The Gillman's overly critical cartoon corner!

Alright... Troll in Central Park... I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. for starters I'll just say that as a child who LOVED his cartoons, even I thought this movie sucked. Then again, I have a penis. And I can't imagine any child possessing said organ could thoroughly enjoy this film past the age of 5. We begin our journey into ecoterrorist cave dwellers in the mystical albeit dismal Land of the Trolls where we quickly learn that flowers are completely OUTLAWED, as are smiles, sunshine, happiness of any kind... blah blah blah. But who cares, they're TROLLS! Doesn't all of this fall into the criteria of what we expect trolls to be. Nevermind, let's move on. We're introduced to Stanley, who is the lone rebel of this otherwise peaceful (yeah, peaceful) race. Of course, it's not ALL Stanley's fault. The Troll Messiah is also to blame for cursing Stanley with a green thumb, and I mean that literally. He actually has a glowing green thumb that can magically grow flowers of both the talking and non-talking variety. Stanley, however has made the best of this handicap by using it to grow a veritable Garden of Eden in his cottage. All goes south however when he decided to plant a "Big Rosie Posie right there in the middle" which grows to an enormous size and gives him away to the nearest NARCS. How ironic that the things he loved so dearly would be his undoing MUHUHAHAHAHA! We're then introduced to the villain... or should I say villainess of the piece, the insidious Queen Gnorga. And after a terrible song about being a stone-cold bitch (There's a pun in there) she banishes Stanley to the dead planet known to trolls as... EARTH! Apparently the troll guide to planets is a little outdated. Originally, Gnorga wanted to turn Stanley to stone, seeing how she had a black thumb to counterattack his green one. And like any inherently evil person, she's addicted to POWER, and wants nothing more to turn the little rule-breaker into a pile of rubble. Personally, I was hoping she would and just spend the remainder of the film reciting Robert Frost poems! Seriously, I would have been an improvement. Instead, Gnorga takes the advice of her idiot husband... named King Llort, which brings to mind any number of Troll 2 references that I'm in no mood to make, and sends Stanley skyrocketing to our wonderful world where "nothing grows". Upon Stanley's arrival on Earth, he is delighted to find out that stuff indeed grows on our planet in abundance! Of course, that initial feeling of relief is dwarfed when you're at the center of the most unfortunate series of events that any cartoon character could ever endure! Stanely goes through so much punishment in the three minutes following his departure from TrollWorld that I almost begin to feel sorry for him... NAH! After his thorough ass-whuppin', he hides out under a bridge (where he belongs) and makes "a little patch of green" to keep him company. What I fail to understand here is that Stanley could just create a flower-lover's wet dream right now along with a posse of talking flowers to befriend and reassure him he's not a total loser, but whatever. Then we meet "the kids" whose names I've thankfully forgotten. All you need to know is that there's a boy and his younger sister. The boy is a brat and evokes no sympathy from me. His little sister is however, the epitome of cute. To the point where it seers your retinas to look at it for more than five seconds. In fact, this whole movie is so cute that it makes me want to throw up. Stanley had rosey cheeks and summons talking, dancing flowers at will, and his mission in life it seems is to turn the globe into an oversized Chia Pet. The rest of the film goes something like this... kid takes sister to the park, sister meets Stanley, boy meets Stanley, Gnorga finds out that Stanley is enjoying his punishment so she goes to Earth to make him suffer, Stanley musters up enough courage to battle Gnorga, good triumphs over evil... BUT WAIT! Stanley then gets turned to stone! AWESOME! If only the movie cut to black right there, and a caption came up that said "In the following days, everyone else in the film died of a highly contagious corrosive enzyme that seeped into their blood stream via direct contact with mutant trolls. Also, the world was repopulated by robots who fart lasers." Maybe then, this movie would have been good in the eyes of a child who no longer sucks his thumb. All I could say, is avoid a Troll in Central Park... he's not a cuddly lovable dumpling of cute. He's the world's greatest ecoterrorist! The ending of the film is testament to that when he transforms all of New York into a ball of grass! It reminds me of more of Creepshow than a children's movie! All in all I'd give it 0.5 out of 5. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to smash my copy. Tootles!