(John tells Grandpa about his new neighbor, a woman)
Grandpa: A woman? Did you mount her?
John: (disgusted) Oh, Dad!
Grandpa: Wait, wait a minute. Has she got big thighs?
John: (thinking) No.
Grandpa: NO?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fellow like you,
I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha.
(Grandpa drops by Punky's mechandise stand while ice fishing)
Grandpa: Two packs of Camels and a cup of your special coffee, you love muffin.
John: Dad, you're suppsoed to be smoking filtered cigarettes.
Grandpa: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
(Max is complaining to the pharmacist about his lumbago)
Max: My lumbago is killing me.
John: Killing you, my ass. He doesn't know the meaning of the word pain. I've got a pinched sciatica that makes your lumbago look like eyestrain.
Max: Pain...he wants to talk about pain? I had a gallstone the size of a baseball.
John: Gallstone? Yeah, gallstones are for pussies. When I had shingles, did you see me in here complaining, huh?
Max: Shingles, shmingles. When I had my ulcers, I was...farting razor blades.
I'm trying to remember the line that goes something like "when you look back on your life, what you regret the most are the risks you didn't take". I suppose I could just rent the movie, but I thought I'd try this shortcut first.
PJ
The line goes like this:
John: All I know is you always regret the risks you didn't take.
I could sit and watch the Burgess Meredith outtakes before the closing credits for hours! "Oh. . . looks like Charlie's taking the ol' log to the beaver!"
"Oh. . . looks like Charlie's taking the skin boat to TUNA TOWN!!"
"Oh. . . looks like Charlie's a tom cat, on the PROWL. Meee-owwwwwwwwww!"
I was wiping tears from my eyes from laughing when I left the theater. The outtakes on Grumpier Old Men are good too. "I've been to Hawaii too. I thinky-wanna-poke-ya! Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya! Ya-wanna-peek-o-peepee?" God bless Burgess Meredith!
(John knocks on the door of Grandpa's ice shanty. Grandpa opens the door.)
Grandpa: Hey! Just finishing breakfast. (sips whiskey from canteen)
*I'll roll you up like a Philly blunt and smoke your bitch ass!*
Grandpa: (refering to the weather) Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?
*I'll roll you up like a Philly blunt and smoke your bitch ass!*
(John asks Grandpa for advice on his relationship with Ariel.)
Grandpa: Mount the woman, son.
*I'll roll you up like a Philly blunt and smoke your bitch ass!*
(IRS Agent Snyder is repossessing John's house and property)
Max: Gustafson's straight as a grizzly's dick. He'd never cheat on his taxes. Never!
*I'll roll you up like a Philly blunt and smoke your bitch ass!*
Aerial's waiting on the steps inviting john upstairs to bed....
John: Theses days they say you have to practace safe sex...
Aerial: John, when was the last time you made love?
John: Ahhhhummmm...., (some date) 1978.
Aerial: I think you're safe.
(Not)Louder Than Concorde...
oh yea, and since i'm watching it right now (fox movie saturday) and i had forgotten how much this line cracked me up when I saw it in the theater....
Max to John while they're standing in the snow and Max is with Aerial:
"Hey Gufstafson, your cat just crapped on my porch for the ninth time...
John: Who says you can't train a cat.....
That's like an old Cosby line from his one man show years ago....
something along the lines on dogs and cats as pets....."Dog's love you unconditionally. Cats may let you pet 'em, but they ain't gonna give you nothing for it."
(like ex-wives....or probably, ex-husbands, too)
(Not)Louder Than Concorde...
I think we're supposed to practice "safe sex" now.
When was the last time you made love?
October...4th....19...78.
I think we're safe.
My dad says this all the time!
shareAlmost every single time Grandpa Gustafson talked I had to wipe tears from my eyes because I was laughing so hard. My fav line he said was "He's taking the one eyed monster to the optometrist." The outtakes on that scene were BRILLIANT!!!
"Try not! Do, or do not... There is no try." Yodashare
"I've been to Hawaii too. I thinky-wanna-poke-ya!
John: All I know is you always regret the risks you didn't take.
I always thought Walter Matthau's first line in the movie was funny.
John (Jack Lemmon) ends up on Max's (Matthau's) doorstep, and Max opens the door and says bluntly, "G'morning d!ckhead!"
Walter Matthau in a deleted scene (sitting in a bathtub) that appear after the end credits:
"If I knew there was going to be a nude scene in this film, I would've asked for another million."
Melanie: Come on Dad. You're a handsome eligable guy. You've got a lot to offer.
Grandpa: Well I got somethin to offer her! Bow wow yow!
hehe i like that one
Grand Pa Gustafson, "Damn Kids".
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John Gustafson: Hey, did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max Goldman: Hypothermia's a bitch-not quick like a stroke.
John Gustafson: A stroke is no damn good! You could end up like a vegetable. Gimme a cardiac any day.
Max Goldman (to Snyder): Mr. John Gustafson? You mean the, ah, low-life, ass wipe, egg sucker, John Gustafson? The man's crazy, loco, always hanging around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's course, if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes. Without it, he could be anywhere, wanderin' around, talkin' to the trees. I'm tellin' ya, this man is a menace! He's always drinkin', startin' fights. Isn't that right?
Grandpa Gustafson: Hey! Drop that fish!
Max Goldman: Mr Gustafson.
Grandpa Gustafson: Don't make me have to separate you two again, dammit! Now go to your shanties, all of ya-you're scarin' the fish away. Damn kids! Kids! Can't live with 'um, can't shoot 'um.
Max Goldman: "Mind your business, will ya", "Mind your own business". Why don't you tie your shoelace. You'll fall on your stupid head! We're havin' a heatwave, here. (Sings)We're havin' a heatwave, a tropical heatwave.
Max Goldman: Dirty rat! I'll show him! Pickin' on people!
Max Goldman: Schmuck doesn't know what's happening.
Jacob: You're a child.
Max: Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me.
Jacob: Oh, it never is. No, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max: '38.
Jacob: It's ridiculous.
John: Wait a minute, you mean, you and she-?
Chuck: I am not talkin' about sex, you dummies!
John: No?
Chuck: 'Course not.
Max: Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?
John: Yeah!
Max: Not you, smartass, didn't ask you!
The Burgess Meredith aftertakes.
Max (this a blooper from the aftertakes): Don't shout at me!
John: I'm not shouting!
Max: Bust my tukus to get down here on New Year's Eve...or, Christmas, or whatever the @%&# it is!"
The expressions on Matthau's face when he first smells the fish in the car's back seat are priceless.
(smelling himself)
Peee-uuu, what the hell is that smell??!!
Sometimes things are right there, you just don't know it right away
I'd go along with that. Walter Matthau's expression as he smells the fish had me crying with laughter.
"The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'" - Spinal Tap
There is one line that makes me laugh out loud every time I hear it.
WEATHERMAN: Is it cold enough out there for you? Brrr! Brrr!
MAX: Oh, shut up, fat ass!
Christopher Penn: 1965 - 2006
Rest in peace, Nice Guy Eddie.
I tell you Burgress Meredith got the best lines in this movie. Everything he says he kills me with laughter. After he said this I nearly die with laughter
Grandpa: (refering to the weather) Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?
Everytime when it gets cold as b***h, I always say the same thing and everybody cracks up.
Grandpa: Colder than a witches titty out here, isn't it?
Mr. Herilty: Hell Yes!
Darielle
WEATHERMAN: Is it cold enough out there for you? Brrr! Brrr!
MAX: Oh, shut up, fat ass!
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Max: Oh I don`t want anything to do with her. See women fall to hard for me, they got obsessed with me. Like one of those fatal attaractions you see on the Donohue Show.
"Kids...can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."
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Wandering around talking to the trees.
facial
During the outakes when Max rings Ariels doorbell and goes= "Oh hello I`m Ronald Reagan I live across the street. I used to be president of the United States...I was also a bad actor" lmao!!!
shareMy favorite is the outtake at the end when Walter is in the bathtub and says: "If I knew there was going to be a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million"
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