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Cyborg 2: Get Ready for Feelings

posted 19 years ago by Sgt_Feelings
13 replies | jump to latest

This movie is a cyborg in and of itself: half nonsense/half Lifetime Original Movie.

As a cyborg, this movie has but one objective: to make you wish that you had spent the duration of the film in a dark room punching yourself in the testicles.

Unlike many people, I did not rent this movie because of Angelina Jolie(I'll explain why I rented it shortly). I am not a big fan of Ms. Jolie's, though I will say that her performance was stellar! Her blank stare and robotic acting really did have me believing that she was an android hooker. If anyone has a clip of her on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' explaining how she prepared for this role, please send it my way. I'll make sure to use it when I try James Lipton for Crimes against Integrity.

So what drove me to rent this movie? One would think that it was the hope of seeing Angelina Jolie's nipples, but it wasn't. No, the reason behind this rental rested solely on one of the images on the cover of the DVD; that of Jack Palance's face! HALF OF HIS FACE WAS ROBOTIC! When I saw that, I imagined legions of "Palances" slowly marching through a fiery wasteland, laying waste to any humans that were foolish enough to resist. In my mind's eye, every member of this Unholy Army of Palances had a red, glowing eye; a red, glowing eye that looked at humans and saw only "meat". They were to be the Architects of Oblivion...a cold, steely Apocalypse...a Nightmare from which Humanity would never awaken. It's a beautiful image that I will cherish till the end of my years.

Like most things in my life, the actual movie did not live up to my expectations. No, there was only 'one' Jack Palance, and the only visable cybernetic enhancements that he had were located on his legs. Sadly, those enhancements didn't really "enhance" anything. That is unless, you count WALKING LIKE A POLIO VICTIM as a super power. At least their was a scene where Jack--grinning like a trigger-happy Alzheimer's patient--got to shoot the hell out of some people. I was waiting for him to yell, "I'm damn tired of paying too much for prescription medication!" Unfortunately, any outbursts of geriatric rage were few and far between.

What the movie did have an abundance of was a poorly developed love story about a man(Elias Koteas, a.k.a. poor man's De Niro) and a cyborg(Angelina Jolie, a.k.a. Demon Spawn of John Voigt). Oh man, can the love between a Romeo of Flesh and a Juliet of Silicon ever be able to last?!?!?! It can if you follow Jack Palance's simple advice:

"You have to TASTE each other's TIME".

Yeah, I'm not sure what that means. However, I am sure that I do not want Jack Palance to be the one to explain it to me. I sure as heck don't want him to show me! As an experiment, I suggest that you ask your signifigant other if he/she "thinks that we have reached a level in our relationship where we can begin to TASTE each other's TIME?"

Alright here's some advice for the "Director's Cut":

1) A Cyborg Chimpanzee. When Koteas and Jolie escape, they should rescue a cyborg chimp from the lab. Small children and NASCAR fans love movies with chimps. Lesser Primates + Shenanigans = Comic Gold!

2) NINJAS! It wouldn't hurt to also have Jack Palance say, "I'll get my ninjas on that."

3) That Asian Guy from 21 Jump Street. Not that he would add anything to the movie, I just feel bad for him. He was my favorite Jump Streeter.

4) Molly Ringwald

5) Give Jack Palance a Red Eye-Laser. That's Red Eye-Laser...not Green! Green Eye-Lasers are for sissies, commies, and draft dodgers. Jack Palance is none of those things!

6) Call the movie "Cyborg 2:Electric Boogaloo". Have Turbo and Ozone from "Breakin' 2" show up and spice things up with their awesome breakdancing moves. "I'm sorry Cyborg Trackers, it would appear that you have been SERVED!"

7) Dr. Tara Reid, Ph.D. Any scenes involving the explanation of hard science should be handled by Tara Reid.

8) Edit out Karen Sheperd. All scenes with Karen Sheperd(Chen) should be cut out from the film, put into an A-team lunchbox, and then thrown into the sun by Superman.

Allow me to close with some "Straight Talk for the Kids":

"Tasting each other's time" is a beautiful thing. If you think that you are ready to "taste each other's time", make sure that it is with someone that you love, and make sure that you use protection.

[–] Sgt_Feelings 19 years ago

Jack Palance should be refered to as a "poet warrior" more often in the film. This would encourage American children to take up the occupation of "poet warrior". As it stands now, the Japanese and India are producing 90% of the world's supply of poet warriors. That is a tragedy.

alright, back to the bad movie battlefields!

[–] 19 years ago

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[–] 19 years ago

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[–] Xindell 19 years ago

While i havent even seen this film (though I am a huge fan of the original, the only JCVD film I like), I have to say you are a muppet for trying to "brand" your halfwit opinions

[–] KnatLouie 18 years ago

LOL, funniest post I have read in a long time!

"No, there was only 'one' Jack Palance, and the only visable cybernetic enhancements that he had were located on his legs. Sadly, those enhancements didn't really "enhance" anything. That is unless, you count WALKING LIKE A POLIO VICTIM as a super power."

"5) Give Jack Palance a Red Eye-Laser. That's Red Eye-Laser...not Green! Green Eye-Lasers are for sissies, commies, and draft dodgers. Jack Palance is none of those things! "

<-- I especially enjoyed those comments. It's so true, it's funny.

But no comments on neither Tracey Walter, Sven Thorsen or Billy Drago? How come?

[–] angelina2719 18 years ago

I only rented this movie to see Jim Youngs in it and his performance was good. He never disappoints. As a whole, the movie was about 3 stars, if that.

[–] scoopofthewine 17 years ago

I have not laughed so much in ages!! Great review Sgt Feelings!

[–] Sgt_Feelings 17 years ago

Sven Ole-Thorsen was great in "Abraxis, Guardian of the Universe" with Jesse Ventura. If you want to hear Sven try to give monologues as a power-hungry alien renegade, then that movie is for you. However, you will have to get ready for feelings, since Jesse Ventura plays an alien bounty-hunter that is SUPER sensitive. He even falls in love with a single mom!

[–] KnatLouie 17 years ago

Haha, yeah I know that already.. I'm probably his biggest fan in the world.

Jesse Ventura/Abraxas talking to a small boy about "two men who were partners" is just great.. and he's doing so with no shirt on, sitting in a bed, looking really perverted.. great scene from a great movie! Also, later Sven-Ole Thorsen/Secundus is taking off his clothes when he's confronting the same young boy, telling him that they're all alone now.. lol.

Secundus: Put your gun in my pocket!

[–] gil-65 17 years ago

Sgt. SIR!

That is the greatest post I've ever read, period. As the sysop of a BBS, I've read more than my fair share. I'm also a screenwriter.

Next movie I get to produce, you get to direct. That was friggin' hilarious. Almost made watching the movie worth it.

I'll be reading all your reviews.

If you're not writing, you should be. If you are, I'd like to be your friend.
[email protected]

[–] DoctorStrangelove 17 years ago

I'm not sure how I stumbled onto this thread, but it was worth it. Bravo.

Last seen:
1776 - 9/10

[–] wally_82 17 years ago

-Ironically, less than 3 weeks after the original post, Angelina Jolie appeared on Inside the Actors Studio, and did in fact briefly discuss her role in Cyborg 2.

From Original Post --- "If anyone has a clip of her on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' explaining how she prepared for this role, please send it my way. I'll make sure to use it when I try James Lipton for Crimes against Integrity. "

[–] ashthepanzerwalrus 17 years ago

One of the funniest reviews EVER. Outside of Neill Cumpston, that is. Is that you Moriarty?

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I was like an egg rolling through time until I was 21. Then the egg cracked and I popped out.