facts about chuck norris

WHY CHUCK IS THE MAN:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that
his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew abeard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming.They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time
machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped
out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand
he bellowed, "Don't *beep* with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The
other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used
their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and
aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
"Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he
exploded.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at
her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger,
by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is currently suing
NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to
drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't
see ChuckNorris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and
*beep* on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his
backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds
later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said,
"Never question Chuck Norris."


Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your
doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections
have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that
shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his
daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she
started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was
impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck
with a roundhouse.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the
fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't
give him exact change.


What d'ya say ya old poop?