What are your favourite quotes, from the show?
One of mine is: "I was in my way to work, with Sir Peter Thornycroft - no relation - one fresh June morning, in early May, and we took the short-cut, across the fields. I stooped, I recall, to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around, I have no idea."
Mr Dalliard, I've gone strange again...
Paquita: 'Your mother ate my dog!'share
Lionel: 'Not all of it...'
" A file's not much use when you're staring down the barrel of a knife"
ah its so funny, still havent stopped laughing..
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.
"What happened to the old John?"
"They pulled it down when they built the car park"
[deleted]
"Men are such bastards"
"Would you care to go for a ride on the ass bandit?"
"I don't call myself a school, no."
"Money? Money?! People give you money for playing that mouth organ like that?!"
"What's so good about democracy?!"
"I don't know much about pornography. But I know what I like."
There are so many more I could put! :) This show is brilliant!
"Other kids pack lunch"
Hugh: you're wasting your time! I work better alone...
Woman: Well perhaps we should just have sex and get it over with!
Hugh: Like I said, I work better alone...
LOL Cracks me up everytime man!!
Kinky 24/7
Lordy, this vox pop gets me every time (giggling now as I remember it):
Hugh: So I said 'Come on mate, it takes two to tango.' And he said 'Yeah, but, it only takes one to get out of my office and not come back.'
Or:
Hugh: I was after a pair of shoes.
Stephen: Ah, very well sir, I shall serve them first.
Or:
Stephen: Who tooold you that you were naked?
Whilst we're on the subject of suchthings, I'm going nothing short of quite mad trying to track down either the lyrics to, or even better an audio file of Hugh's "Little Girl" song. Not even sure if that's the title I'm afraid, but it's the one that goes something along the lines of "Little girl, would you like a sweetie? Will you put your little hand in mine?"
Woman: Oh, Doctor, can i kiss you?
Stephen: If i can punch you violently in the throat, yes
"There are six million people out there."
"Really? What do they want?"
"You're wrong, John - so very wrong! You're standing in my children right now!"
"I'm sorry John, I think I may have misheard you?"
For the benefit of PleaseFreezeMe:
"Little girl, would you like a sweetie?
Would you place your hand in mine?
I promise not to hurt you, or impinge upon your virtue,
All I want is half a second of your time...
Little girl, won't you smile now for the camera,
I know this time I'll get the perfect shot,
Do you think that it would hurt, if you just undid your shirt,
And showed the readers everything you've got?
Little girl, you really mustn't worry,
No-one will respect you any less,
After all is said and done, you know it's just a bit of fun,
Now be a sport, take off that pretty dress...
Little girl, can't you see it, now you're famous?
Your name is on the nation's lips!
At breakfast they'll admire you, by lunchtime they'll desire you,
And by dinner you'll be wrapping up their chips!
Little girl, congratulations on your record,
They played it on the wireless just today,
It was fast and rather naughty, went straight in at number forty,
But the DJ said that that's where it should stay.
Little girl, so you got married to a pop star,
I can hardly work my camera for the tears,
But as you said your fond goodbyes, I got a great shot of your thighs,
Such a shame you were divorced within a year...
Little girl, you're not a girl now and you're not little,
But there's one last thing I'd love it if you'd do.
Although she's slightly shorter, I would love to meet your daughter,
Do you think that she would like to follow you?
Do you think that she would like to follow you?"
I only know that because I worked out the piano transcription for my own benefit a few years ago.
I used to have a lot of down-time....!
"Nine, ten, a big fat hen......the name's Bender."
"We had a pneumatic drill outside our house for the entire night. Luckily it wasn't turned on"
sharehugh: you have a daughter dont you
Steven: henryetter (spelling)
hugh: did he oh im sorry
dam double dam with a pint of dam for the weekend
[deleted]
"Did he? Did he by didgery handpoo?"
"That's just a load of hot air, Peter! You can't dry your hands with hot air!"
"Well, actually..."
"Here's a question......"
"What is it?"
"Ah!"
"It really is a thundering nuisance."
"What do you mean 'claim'? I am Welsh!"
... It's been in my head for two days now. Perfect delivery on that line. Hehe.
- Gengulfus & Pantigrace Titmeaning
That weird guy with the daschunds in the vet's waiting room..........
'I don't like to see poochie-poop on my best carpet, and if I do, Clover knows she can expect a visit from the smack-fairy.'
"Depression is a terrible thing. I've been depressed now for twenty years. My wife says I should kill myself."
"Also a nice malt whiskey, I like a nice malt whiskey. Yes, that's one of the great benifits of being an alcoholic, really."
"STYLISH???!!!"
"I almost care."
"Well, you know what the press is like, they like to blow everything all out of proportion."
"I think, in your case, nature's already done that, Clive."
"Oh, damn it! Blast! Why won't this corking cucumber behave?!"
The entire "It's over!" speech.
"Some glue?!?"
"Good night... if you can."
(street interview)
"Well I'd never suck it."
Hugh: "How many times have walked out in front of a bus, been knocked over, and killed? It's pretty frustrating, isnt it?"
share"You said - and forgive me if I'm oversexed - you said that the BBC motor program Top Gear had become irritatingly faceteous"
"Are you happy, you dismal, moaning, french twat?!"
"It's kind of like a religious esperanto, I you like"
"Nope, I don't think I do."
"Oh, there were really dark... the days... I never really noticed back in the days, but now that you mention it, they were ever so dark."
[deleted]
"Secret vices? I don't know. Rather too fond of chocolate Hob Nobs, my wife tells me I overdo the heroin. Otherwise, not really."
"Well my father voted Labour but my mother was Conservative, so I suppose that should make me a liberal democrat, but really i'm a nazi."
"A what? A cheese and what?"
"Tommy-toe! Tommy-toe! Tommy-toe!"
"Don't say it again!"
{{Vox pop}}
(Hugh holding up a plate) "See this? You could eat your dinner off this."
"Get that ARSE!"
"Sing the song, Vern!"
"I'm singing the song!"
"'Cause I'm a good-ass, mother-liker!"
"Landlord I'll have two foaming pints of your most homosexual beer, please!"
"Oh, and a packet of arse-bandits!"
"You want me to ARSE the PARLOURMAID??"
...God, there are so many I love!
From the dancersizing skit.
Hugh-"Oh, and by the way.."
Stephen-"Yes?"
Hugh-"Love that body."
Stephen-"Thanks...it's mine."
"yes, but i didn't inhale"
from the doctor scene
Hugh: (Dialling) You know it's funny, I drove through High Wycombe just the other day ... (into phone) Hello? Peter here. Get me O'Neill.
Stephen: And fast.
Hugh: And fast. (pause) Say again? Dammit.
Stephen: What?
Hugh: O'Neill's out of town and can't be reached.
Stephen: Dammit to hell and back.
Hugh: Damn blast and double damn.
(Later)
Peter: You never had kids of your own, I believe?
John: You're wrong, Peter. You're so damn wrong.
Peter: Oh. I beg your pardon.
John: You're standing in my children right now.
Peter: I think may have misheard that, John.
John: The company, Peter.
Peter: Oh, the company!
John: I gave this company everything I've got. (Suddenly shouting) Dammit, New York should have rung by now.
Peter: Relax, John. It's still early.
John: I know, Peter. But It's not going to stay early for long.
(John goes to the window)
Hugh: New York'll come through, John. I know they will.
John: (Looking out of the window) I hope so. There are six million people out there, Peter.
Peter: Really? What do they want?
____________________________________________________________________
Mr. Nude the Psychic Spoonbender: I can do anything with a spoon.
Stephen: Can you?
Mr. Nude: Yes, you give me a spoon and I will give you the whole world.
Stephen: Well that's a very impressive claim, certainly.
Mr. Nude: Thank you.
Stephen: Thank you.
Mr. Nude: No thank you.
Stephen: Right. Well Mr Nude, we have a selection spoons here. Perhaps you'd care to give us a demonstration?
Mr. Nude: I'm not a freak, you know.
Stephen: I realise that.
Mr. Nude: Some people think I am some kind of circus freak. I'm not a freak.
Stephen: Well I'm sure that nobody here ...
Mr. Nude: "Freak!" They sometimes shout at me in the street.
(After Mr. Nude has bended a spoon with his hands instead of psychic energy)
Stephen: Are you sure it isn't "fraud" that people shout at you in the street?
___________________________________________________________________________
Stephen: You want me to change your son?
Hugh: Well of course I do. Mine is soiled now.
Stephen: Well I'm afraid we haven't got any spare sons.
Hugh: Well what have you got of equal value?
Stephen: Well there are some locusts in the biology lab.
Hugh: Locusts, hmm. Do I have your assurance that one of these locusts will not embarrass Mrs. Smear at table with foul language?
Stephen: I think I can go that far.
Hugh: Well that's something. How many of them are there?
Stephen: Two ... at the moment.
Hugh: What d'you mean, "at the moment"?
Stephen: Well, it's just that these locusts are married, they've bought the cage, and some furniture, and they're having three meals a day.
Hugh: Hot meals?
Stephen: Warmish.
_________________________________________________________________________
(In this bit, Hugh is a homeless beggar and Stephen is a rich jerk)
Hugh: Well it's kindness as well, isn't it? They're just being kind.
Stephen Just being kind? Just being kind? What do mean just being kind? If they were just being kind they'd put a bullet through your head, wouldn't they? That's what I'd call being kind. Put you out of your misery.
__________________________________________________________________________
(Stephen is a conman posing as a doctor and Hugh is a patient)
Hugh: You're the doctor.
Stephen: Whatever gave you that idea?
Hugh: You did.
Stephen: You're pathetic aren't you?
Hugh: Um.
Stephen: I'm a tobacconist. Isn't it obvious?
Hugh: But the -
Stephen: Yes, I'll grant you it looks more like a doctor's surgery than a tobacconist's.
Hugh: Why?
Stephen: Why? Because you're the kind of git that falls for that sort of thing. It's the same reason that cosmetics sales staff wear white coats, because fools like you think a Swiss name and something called a "skin treatment" must be better for you than a tub of cold cream which is all you're actually getting. You're a credulous git, Mr Pepperdyne. A stethoscope and a plausible manner do not make a doctor. I'm a conman and you are a moron.
Hugh: So you are not a doctor?
Stephen: Could be. What do you think?
Hugh: You really want to to know?
Stephen: I'd be fascinated.
Hugh: I think you've taken a reasonably interesting idea and overworked it. I think what started out as a fairly interesting and amusing statement about our susceptibility to received ideas has become a rambling, vague, ill-thought out piece of drivel and I think you ought to end it now.
__________________________________________________________________________
Our late editor is dead, he died of death which killed him. -John Lennon's Daily Howl
I love the Australian Soap Opera!
Stephen: Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, mate. It’s hard for me to say. The fact is: I’ve been having...well, affair…that’s the only word. I’ve been having an affair with you for some time now.
Hugh: What?
Stephen: It’s true.
Hugh: You bastard!
Stephen: Look, mate, you had to find out sooner or later and I’d just rather it came from me, that’s all.
Hugh: You mean we’ve been sleeping together all this time? Behind my back!
Stephen: I’ve said I’m sorry. I don’t know what else I can say. The fact is…that I was vulnerable and you were there.
Hugh: You leave me out of this!
Stephen: I’ve said I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else I can say, mate.
Hugh: Why am I always the last one to know?
Stephen: It won’t happen again, Vin, I promise.
Hugh: I just wish that if you were gonna sleep with me, you could at least have done it to my face.
Stephen: I’ll bear that in mind for next time.