Favorite MST3K Riff

"Man, that guy's got a small face."

"Where does that guy even keep his acorns?"

"She looks like a drag queen without his wig."

Joe: "What's her name?"

MST3K: (in Angel of Death voice) "I'm Debbie."

The Angel of Death points, Crow says "Pull my finger."

Tom Servo: Soooo, Poodle Hair and Rubber Lips drive off into the sunset. And it's sunshine and roses-ever-after, ay?

Mike: Uh, you seem dubious.

TS: Yeah Mike, I am dubious. I'm dubious. My guess is that on the way home Scrawny Boy there leans over to rub his Carnuba-waxed lips on his little honey and ends up ditching that sweet ride of his. Crow, you with me on this?

Crow: Oh, no doubt. Things don't go near as smoothly as Mike would like us to think.

Mike: Wait, I didn't say things---

Crow: Noooo, Mike's living in a fool's paradise.

TS: Dreamer.

Crow: No happy endings for our heroes.

Mike: No?

Crow: After Teenboy puts his ride in the ditch there, he needs extra money to pay the insurance costs. And to buy a new disc sander and a couple of gallons of Bondo. So he takes a second job at Carl's Jr.

TS: Yep yep, and about a week into his new job, he comes to pick her up in his busted car, wearing a big orange hat and smelling of frying medium, and she cools on the whole relationship immediately.

Crow: Only it drags out painfully for about another month cuz she doesn't have the guts to tell the second-rate Matt Lattanzi to take the train!

TS: Yep Yep Yep, and finally she gives him the news through the drive-up intercom that she just wants to be "friends". And when the whole restaurant is finally done laughing at the poor clod, he walks off the job and drives straight to the municipal liquor store to pick up a quart of lemon-flavored gin and a six-pack of Red Grape Malt Duck.

Crow: Uh yeah, hang on. Mike might think that was the happy ending.

Mike: Ha, you guys really think I'm a naive Pollyanna, don't ya?

Crow: Ummmmmmmm, yes we do.

TS: Hang on, there's more, Mr. Rose-colored Glasses. So he drinks his way through the whole paper bag, drives a good 75 yards and crashes into a pole.

Crow: Well, the car hangs on to the base of the light pole so he can't get out of there. He thumbs a ride back to his house but the police arrive about 45 minutes later, wake him up and give him the Breathalyzer.

TS: He blows a 1.3 so it's off to the crowbar motel for Mike's little pal.

Crow: Well of course, he calls his former girlfriend to come pick him up but Mom answers the phone and hangs up on him.

TS: His "one call" spent, he stays the night at the place with the striped sunlight - courtesy of the county.

Crow: Soon he's straining rubbing alcohol through pieces of burnt toast he found out behind Zelda's Diner.

TS: Um-hm

Mike: Hang on, wait a minute. I think that's a touch bleak.

Crow: Well, you know, maybe you're right, Mike. Maybe they have a wondrous, frilly wedding. In the frou-frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars and polka-dotted toadstools sing "Good Ship Lollipop" to the tiny mice in their little feety pajamas.

Mike: Oh ok, and there's nothing in-between? It's either grain alcohol in back alleys or a happy world of rodents in feety pajamas?

TS: YES!

Crow: I mean, why is that so hard to accept?

Mike: You know, you guys need help. Geez.