The tale of Salazar Slytherin
I couldn't even tell you when I wrote this. I do know that I didn't come up with the name Salazar Slytherin. That was someone else, someone whose name escapes me. What a great moniker.
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In an oak paneled anteroom inside the Los Angeles County Courthouse, a young Snake sits across from his counsel. He is moments away from going before the judge on charges of vandalism, destruction of public property, and evading arrest. At 15, he’s but a young buck but has already lived the life of the street. Adopted and brought to L.A. at birth, he grew up in a lower class, dysfunctional home – unloved by mother, unwanted and abused by his father. Mostly left to his own devices he rarely attended school, preferring instead to frequent the convenience stores and video arcades of his lower class neighborhood. Always a bit of loner, he nonetheless learned from other ne’er-do-well boys the tricks of the juvenile delinquent trade and as a result constantly ran afoul of the law
Known to his lawyer by his adopted name of Salazar Slytherin, the man we will come to know as Snake confers on the course of action he will take in his upcoming hearing. His lawyer needs only to win this case in order to complete a perfect year of decisions, a record he hopes to use as a selling point in the upcoming elections for district attorney.
Lawyer: “Now Salazar, we’ve been over this a hundred times. When the judge reads the charges to you, what are you going to do?”
Snake: “I’m going to look contrite, plead ignorance, and beg for the court’s forgiveness.”
Lawyer: “Correct. You need to impress upon the judge that you come from a broken home, that you have never had the sort of parental guidance that would have permitted you a normal life. You must let him see by your contrition that you are sorry for what you’ve done and that it was and shall remain an isolated incident.”
Snake: “It’s cool.”
Lawyer: “No, Mr. Slytherin, it is decidedly not cool! During all of our mock hearings you have consistently shown a penchant for the sort of flippancy that will surely result in your incarceration. In 5 minutes time you will be in front of a real judge, answering to real charges. A stint in juvenile detention could set you on an irreversible course toward a life of crime. I suggest you spend these 5 minutes soberly reflecting on that possibility.”
Snake stares blankly at his lawyer and fiddles with the zipper on his best leather bomber jacket.
Several minutes later, he and his lawyer sit before the judge as he peruses his docket and the complaint filed against Snake. He periodically adjusts his spectacles and sighs while looking over Snake’s file. Finally, he raises his eyes and calls Snake to stand before him.
Judge: “Mr Slytherin, you have, it seems, compiled a rather lengthy list of transgressions. Nothing extraordinary, graffiti, broken windows, petty larceny, fighting, loitering, and use of abusive language toward an officer of the law, but this latest incident is a tad more serious. Heretofore, you’ve received only slaps on the wrist for your various escapades, but I’m thinking that this time a slightly stiffer sentence may be called for.
Snake: “Well, I’d like you to reconsider.”
Snake’s lawyer yanks him back by his collar and admonishes him.
Lawyer (sotto voce): “Show the judge some respect!”
The judge pounds his gavel repeatedly for order.
Judge: “Mr. Slytherin, I’m going to read to you the litany of charges in this complaint. When I’m done you will tell me truthfully if they conform to your recollection of that evening.”
Snake: “It’s cool.”
Snake’s lawyer makes a growling noise in his throat while the judge sternly looks over his spectacles at Snake before beginning.
Judge: “On the evening of July the 20th, a complaint of vandalism and aggravated assault was lodged by the owner, one Mr. Choi, of Choi’s Coner Store, Recita, against you. According to the police file, interviews, and your own statement, the trouble began when you became enraged at a coin operated video game called Gorf.”
Snake: “It kept laughing at me and calling me a space *beep* (muttering to himself) I’ve never been to space.”
Lawyer: “It was calling you space cadet, you moron!”
The judge pounds his gavel once again.
Judge: “Let me continue, please! Now, you then went to the cooler, selected a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor -- I suppose you forgot your status as a minor -- and plunged it through the video game’s display, destroying the game. Furthermore, sparks from the game’s monitor ignited a nearby magazine stand, causing a small conflagration. It’s reported that Mr. Choi began hollering at you to spray the fire but you instead grabbed a fire extinguisher and doused Mr. Choi.”
Snake: “I thought he said ‘Spray the ricer!’ I could never understand what that old slope was talking about.”
Snake’s lawyer grabs him by the collar and cuffs him about the head.
Lawyer: “Show the judge some respect you little creep!”
The judge bangs furiously on his gavel.
Judge: “That will be all! I do not expect any further outbursts in my courtroom.”
Snake: “You’ll have to excuse him. He’s usually a very mellow guy. I don’t know…”
Judge: “Let me finish! Now, while Mr. Choi attended to the fire, his wife ordered you out of the store. You then demanded a package of Sixlets brand candy before you would leave. After receiving that, she pleaded with you to leave the premises to which you responded, “What’ll you give me? The stakes just went up. Give me your Playgirls!” Propriety prevented Mrs. Choi from granting your request, however she says you marched behind the counter, grabbed the magazines for yourself and stormed out of the store. Mrs. Choi chased you outside the store, at which point you hopped on your BMX bicycle. Onlookers report that you proceeded to ride the bike into traffic, rode in several tight circles while taunting Mrs. Choi with the centerfold of the magazines, and then took off through a red light; coming inches away from being sideswiped by an oncoming car. Mr. Slytherin, is there any facet of this account in which you find yourself in disagreement? Or is this a factual record of your actions that day?”
Snake looks puzzled at this question and unsure of how to reply.
Judge: “Did you destroy the video game, rob the convenience store, and ride dangerously through traffic nearly causing an accident?”
Snake looks at his lawyer, who can only look pleadingly back at him. For a moment he is unsure what to say.
Judge: “Mr. Slytherin, did you or did you not do this?”
Snake rocks back and forth on his feet, a bead of perspiration forms on his brow, his lips quiver as he fights within himself. Then, just as suddenly, he relaxes and a smile spreads over his face.
Snake “You know it!!”
Snake’s lawyer buries his head in his arms and lets out a muffled cry as the judge bangs his gavel furiously
Judge: “Mr. Slytherin. I will dispense with the lecture. I find you guilty as charged. You are hereby remanded to the custody of the State of California. You will be sent to the Rocky Sullivan Home for Wayward Boys until you have attained the age of 18. I hope that you will there commence on the maturation process that has thus far eluded you. This case is dismissed and the court is in recess.”
Appearing uninterested, Snake was led away by two police officers. His lawyer miserably collected his papers from his desk. The judge stomped off to his office, eager to put that morning behind him. Only one person in attendance seemed pleased by what he had seen. Emerging from the audience was a tall gentleman, bedecked in a white blazer with a red ascot. If you had been standing in the hallway that afternoon, you would have seen a broad smile play across his face and heard him incessantly chuckle to himself as he walked away from the courtroom to his waiting limousine.