1. Security isn't a dirty word. Crevice, on the other hand, is absolutely filthy!
2. In the event of stepping on a mine, standard procedure is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
3. The problem with women's bottoms is that they're not big enough.
4. The Dictionary is the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French!
5. If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
"Vegetable rights and peace!"
6. Eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death cannot copmare to 5 minutes with Mr. B and... a pencil.
share7. You must always call it the scottish play rather than Macbeth
From the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success
8. Ill-conceived love is like a Christmas cracker - one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.
"Vegetable rights and peace!"
9. Leaving your cigarillo case on the dressing table could prove fatal.
~ I am the Stig! ~
10. say, "yes it is" and not "that it be" unless you're talking to tourists
11. When facing German machine guns, don't forget to take a stick
12. Jane Austen is actually a huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush
13. always be the first to offer your most enthusiastic "contrafribbularities" and when they are not welcomed, apologise by being "anaspeptic" and "phrasmotic" at causing such "pericombobulation" and if leaving, always promise to return "interphrastically"
14. If you finances fail - make sure your banker's not a bender.
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The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
If you are sailing around the Cape [of Good Hope] then some sort of hat is probably in order.
Jane Austen is a huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush.
The poor old ostrich died for nothing.
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15. Strategic maps in WWI were made life-size, scale 1:1
Cooking with Baldrick 101:
16. Dandruff is the ideal sugar-substitute; mud for coffee; saliva for milk and cappucino foam.
17. It's Rat a van and not Rat au vin. Rat a van is a rat run over by a van.
18. Rat fricassé is similar to Rat sauté but with a slightly larger rat.
19. Secret (and only) ingredient for cream custard: cat vomit
20. Turnips are rude but also delicious. For example: turnip surprise, the surprise being that nothing has been added.
21. The length of the kings rod is known only to the queen and a thousand turkish whores.
22. It's impossible to convince someone that you've just cut off someones head if it's turned green.
23. The Duke of Wellington is a duke not a lord.
24. As well as being the Flanders Pigeon Murderer Captain Blackadder disobeyed some orders as well.
25. Georgina has a great deal more spunk than most women you'll find.
26. There's nothing cushy about life in the women's auxiliary balloon corps.
27. English people have shiny toilet paper.
28. The chances of there being two bullets with Baldricks name on it are very small indeed.
29. Women's bottoms aren't big enough (except nursies')
30. Georges love poems were all writteny witteny by me we i'm afraidy waidy.
31. King and Country is the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
32. When you want something, take it.
33. Fricasse is just a slightly bigger rat.
34. God intended turnips to be unmashed.
35. Bob's an odd name for a girl.
36. Henry XIII had 6 knives.
37. The poor ostrich died for nothing.
38. It was bollocks.
Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
39. In order to avoid going over the top, put a pair of underpants on your head and stuff two pencils up your nose.
Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
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40. The Devil's favourite food is turnip.
41. The Devil's favourite food are also carrots.
42. Plague was carried by seamen.
43. Heaven is for people who like watering flowerpots and singing. Hell is for people who like pillage and adultery.
44. If you're gay, you should seek medical advice.
45. Leeches cure everything.
46. Thinking is sooo important...
47. The color of gold is gold, that's why it's called gold.
48. Chairs are an invention of Satan.
49. Luck sounds exactly like *beep*.
50. Beware all ye who lust for fame. The path of life is most uncertain.
51. Sheep are perverted animals.
52. We need stricter punishments for geography teachers.
53. Honey starts with AB.
54. Never mock a pre-pubescent German, he might imprison you in a comode years later.
55. Shooting pigeons can get you killed.
56. Chaplin's movies are unfunny.
57. Putting underpants on your head and sticking pencils up your nose doesn't actually make you look insane.
58. An unusual gigantic turnip will cost you £400,000.
59. You will get slapped in the face by calling your aunt "aunty".
60. "Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics." - Mrs. Whiteadder
61. Shooting a messenger pigeon is a more serious crime than disobeying direct orders...
62. "job" is a dirty word, "leak" is a potentially disgusting word.
63. Selling fake relics is one of many important duties for Archbishop of Canterbury...
64. A fate worse than death to a British soldier in WWI is: teaching home economics to young German girls in a convent outside Heidelberg.
65. Baldrick is the worst cook in the world
66. There are ameoba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than Baldrick
67. Baldricks Filet Mignon in sauce bernaise look like dog turds in glue
67a. The plum duff looks like a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings...he thought it would go unnoticed
67.b The cream custard is cats vomit
68. If Baldrick served a meal at HQ he would be arrested for the biggest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 friends for a Wine and Anthrax Party
69. Pigeons can't carry a king, there's no basket
70. Bob Massingberd is the finest mind in English Legal History
71. Massingberd got a murderer acquitted, honoured and compensation from the victims family for the dry cleaning bill
72. 'Butch' Oscar went to prison being a whoopsie
73. Baldrick learnt to read and write so he could tell his family about Flashheart
74. His grandma smoked herself to death to collect Flashheart cig cards
75) Never ignore a poo poo.
share76) If your father is a German, you are a half - German, and you married a German then you are as British as queen Victoria;
77) The last part of Baldrick's poem is BOOOM, BOOOM, BOOOM !!!
Hear the words I sing
Wars an 'orrid thing
So I sing, sing, sing
Ding-a-ling-a-ling
78. The Germans like the English obsession with toilet and ze breaking of ze vind
79. Captain Blackadder only smokes after sex, at home he is a 40 a day man
80. Because of the high numbers of mortality in infact, Spot, a dog was the only replacememt to be found to play Jesus in the Nativity(from Christmas Carol)
81. £17 1d minus £17 leaves £38 8s 4d
82. Socks are like sex, plenty about and the Prince Regent is not getting any
83- The best tool to use against a turkish army is a kitchen knife
84- Always go for the girl with the beard. Gives you something to Hang on to!!!!
85-
85. If Ebenezer Blackadder was bad, his decendents would rule the entire universe.
86. If Ebenezer Blackadder was good, his descendents would be Baldrick's slave who had just destroyed his own army by dropping a bomb on them.
87. The Wisewoman is............... A WOMAN!
88. The Wisewoman is............... WISE!
89. Always treat your kite like you treat your woman - get inside her 5 times a days and take her to heaven and back.
90. Example of German brutality is that their operas last 3-4 days and they don't have word for "fluffy"
91. The dinosaurs were in fact wiped out by Baldrick`s underpants.
(From Blackadder: Back and Forth)
"Any plan that involves losing your hat is a BAD plan.""
1) Lord Edmund Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy (though he may need a bath)
2) If you vote for the Standing at the back dressed stupid and looking stupidly party, then you are in favour of abolishing slavery (though you may be only joking)
3) Pit the Younger does not like blackcurrant as a jelly flavour
4) Baldrick was played by a t|t in a beard.
5) If you are not a witch, you must prove it by having someone try to cut your head off. If the sword bounces off your neck, then you are indeed a witch and therefore must be burned to death (unless you were a good person and then you can be burned alive).
6) Some sausages look suspicious, others live happily ever after.
7) Captain Darling likes milk in his coffee.
8) Bob is short for Kate
9) Baldrick knows the feeling of having the wind rush through his hair
10) WWI was not from 1914 to 1917
Sex is the game! Marriage is the penalty
That by adding Ben Elton and co it can make a world of difference. The show just got better and better as each series passed. Well not really. But each series that came after 2 was as good as 2 it's self. 2 3 and 4 is where the show is at for it's finest hour. The first series and the dreadful Back and Forth can rot!.
"As long as Heavy Metal rages. You will live on through the ages"
1. Baldrick gets scruffier looking in each series.
2. Always treat your plane like you treat your women. Get inside of her fives times a day and take her to heaven and back. (May not have quoted that perfectly but I think it's pretty close).
Blackadder is not a tourist.
Blackadder's medium is light.
Blackadder was never offside.
Baldrick often has cunning plans.
For the Germans, the toilet is a mundane and functional item.
For the British, the toilet is the basis of an entire culture.
There is such a thing as a fate worse than a fate worse than death.
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King and Country - soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
Two socks and a hand grenade are patriotic when they're painted being shoved up the Kaiser’s backside.
You can learn a lot about art if you pay attention at school instead of manufacturing papier mache willies to frighten your classmates.
If you want a wimple, you should go BEFORE you start a picture.
One of the first things everyone notices about the realities of battle is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on - neither we, nor the Hun, favour fighting our battles au naturel.
Military maps are unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi.
I know who you are. You're Merlin, the happy pig!