best lines

in the beginning when belushi peers through the blinders and sees gangsters coming out of the car and he says, "....russians...."

ritter says, "who are those clowns?" and clowns pop out

I like when Ritter plans to brain Belushi with the rake at the beginning.
"You know what? I've never even been to college"
"And you never will!...unless you apply yourself, they have forms down at the college you'll have to fill out"

"did you ever stop to think how I would feel when I got done taking my leak?"
"I used to have a pretty good pen Bob"
"pissant little nothing"
"don't make a big deal about it"
"colnel? uh uh that's the deal breaker baby! take a walkski"

When they're locked in the house and the Russians are all around, and the send in the 'negotiator' and Nick takes her to the back room to 'negotiate'.

(Note - I don't remember the exact quotes so don't bag on me if I got it a little wrong!)

Coming out of the 'negotiations' Nick appears with a smoke in his hand.

Bob: I didn't know you smoked.
Nick: Just after sex Bob.
Bob: Well how much is that?
Nick: About a pack a day.
Bob: You know that will kill you?
Nick: It won't kill you Bob, but it will make you very sore.

Bar thugs: "We're sorry. We didn't know you were coming back. Can we buy you a drink?"

Bob: "Don't you think if I wanted you to buy me a drink, I would have told you to buy me a drink?"

ONE OF THE BEST QUOTE MOVIES EVER...

Nick: Haaaapy Piiiiiie? They've got a shelf life of 3 years, Bob. This one's still got two more to go! You know, it's amazing. All life on Earth as we know it could be dead, and these pies would still be fresh.


Thug: Nah. That's Oaf's bike.
Bob: (Looks at the huge Thug named Oaf 'his' pink bicycle) Oaf?
Oaf: Yeah.
Bob: You know, I think that bike's a little small for Oaf.
Thug: Yeah, well, y'know... Oaf likes a small bike.


(Upon seeing the clown at the birthday party while going solo for the first time in the woods, and then clicking off a half-dozen shots of the empty gun at the clown)
Bob: (mumbling) Stupid son of a bitch walking around like that just ASKing to be shot.


(Upon embarking his 'training' of Bob, just outside Bob's house)
Nick: Duck! Get up! You're going to be verrrry good at this Bob.


(Towards the end of the shootout in the street with the Russians. Bob, as you remember is using his finger as a gun)
Nick: You call that cover!
Bob: I've only got two hands!!


(With the Dominatrix, in stages)
STAGE 1
Nick: When does it get to be my turn?
Dominatrix: This IS your turn!

STAGE 2
Nick: It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!
Dominatrix: I haven't hit you yet.
Nick: Oh.

STAGE 3
Nick: You aren't seeing anyone on a... regular basis are you?
Dominatrix: (smiles, smokes her cigarette)

"I've got good news and bad news"
"Whats the bad news?"
"We'll never get out of here alive"
"Whats the good news?"
"We won't be here that long"

Can I get an AMEN??? I agree - awesome lines! My brother and I quote Real Men constantly. How about "Happy Pie??? Huh, you want one?" Or in the garage "And you never will.....unless you apply yourself. You'll have to get an application." (Or something like that.) That whole movie was fantastic.