This Movie Made Me Very Happy


Why? Because when I was in college, I read about it in Cinefantastique -- a good magazine that is now defunct. However, by the time I finished the article, I wanted to kill Steven Paul. He's almost exactly the same age I am (I'm actually 8 weeks older), and there he was, all of 22 years old, being handed a story by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and the likes of Jerry Lewis and Madeline Kahn to work with. The article made much of what a boy genius Paul was, a wunderkind, a prodigy.

I had just graduated. I cleaned and de-veined shrimp for an upscale restaurant. I had no connections, no prospects of finding a better job, my relationship with my girlfriend was jittering apart and there in the article was a picture of 22-year-old Steven Paul talking to Kurt Vonnegut, who has always been one of my heroes. And I hated Steven Paul. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated him!

And so, that is why this movie made me very happy: it was a major league embarrassment. It bombed big-time. Prodigy Boy fell on his ass, then he went on to produce Baby Geniuses, where he managed to score Christopher Lloyd and Kathleen Turner; Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, for which he somehow got Jon Voight on board; Ghost Rider, in which he inexplicably hooked Nicolas Cage, and a host of other flops.

I guess he left his prodigious days back in his teens, but he's still a bazillion times more successful than I am. I don't have a filmography listing me as the producer of 53 flops! How did he do it? He's got three more movies due to be released in 2011 and 2012, and considering his track record it's a pretty sure bet that they'll be flops, too.

Amazing! I want Steven Paul's connections! Whose winkie do I have to suck to do this?

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Brett Ratner
Use Boll
Irwin Allen
Eli Roth
Chuck Lorre


If you're looking for a fair world, run as far away from Hollywood as possible.

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