MovieChat Forums > Conan the Destroyer (1984) Discussion > Things I learned watching Conan the Dest...

Things I learned watching Conan the Destroyer.

posted 16 years ago by agentdc7
35 replies | jump to latest

Play along, people!

1. If people circle around you instead of killing you, they probably want to capture you and torture you to death.

2. Camels can be knocked out by a punch.

3. Amazon women are very scary.

4. If you eat a wizard, you will get magic powers.

5. Crom=God

6. If you stand there and do nothing, a bodyguard will think you're trying to hurt the girl.

7. If a monster stands there waiting for you to hit him, it probably won't work.

8. If you throw a sword through a mirror, the bad guy will be waiting right there.

9. Wizards all look the same.

10. If you want a man, grab him and take him.

11. Having giant muscles protects you from get killed very quickly.

12. If you play tug-of-war against Conan with 2 horses, you will lose.

13. Basketball players protect virginity of one and apparently take many others.

14. It is okay to ask men to judge if other men are handsome.

15. Cannables don't wash people before they cook them.

16. Thieves should be hanged.

17. Conan has trouble counting to 6.

18. People are willing to let you clunk their heads together.

19. When you save/free people, they will follow you where ever you go.

20. 15 year old girls whine and scream a lot.

21. It's always important to flex all your muscles before sword fighting.

22. Swords make clang sounds when they hit dirt.

23. Only pain hurts Conan

24. Toothpicks are very popular weapons in villages.

25. A group of villagers can fight off a group of bandits, but have lots of trouble fighting off one.

26. In a fight, you should drop your sword when you destroy your opponent's weapon and let them pounce on you.

[–] 16 years ago

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[–] Dick_Douchestein 16 years ago

30. Even though a man is a barbarian who lives basically his whole life in the desert and has no access to a toothbrush, his teeth will be white and not rotting out of his mouth when he is in his 30s

31. When defending oneself with a sword, it is best to hold it like a baseball bat

[–] abagadro 16 years ago

32. If you are going to jump off a balcony onto a marble floor, make sure two guys in armor are there to gently break your fall.

33. Hitting a man in armor with a staff will kill him.

34. A fox tail just doesn't cover an ass crack like it used to.

[–] madf80 16 years ago

35. Camel spit is the same consistency as whipped cream or foam.

[–] madf80 16 years ago

36. The best way to decide if someone is handsome is to ask a bodyguard, insult the bodyguard, and then understand that he is handsome.

37. Conan has the authority to release any prisoner of his choosing, and somehow only be resisted by two guys with helmets.

[–] madf80 16 years ago

38. When you ride at an enemy armed with a sword, he will only try to chop your staff into smaller and smaller pieces.

[–] madf80 16 years ago

39. When you're on a boat with your friends headed to a wizard's palace you don't talk or mind getting hit in the head everytime Conan moves the rudder.

[–] madf80 16 years ago

40. The best place to fight is in a ring surrounded by the only thing that can hurt you... broken mirrors.

41. The most efficient pattern in which to break all mirrors in a room is by running back and forth across the room to different mirrors, never side to side.

42. If you're ever in a room full of mirrors, just randomly pick which ones to break. Eventually you'll whiddle it down to the mirrors with your friends behind it and the bad wizard holding them prisoner... no problems deciding which one to throw your sword through.

[–] chromeburn 16 years ago

43. Apparently barbarians keep themselves very clean and like to oil themselves up like a Chippendale dancer while wearing as little clothing as possible.

44. If you need someone's help, the best way to get it is to attack them on horseback with large nets.

45. Barbarians have the whitest, cleanest teeth of anyone throughout all time. Part of their impeccable hygiene.

46. Why use a stable when you can just ride your horse into the throne room where they can crap all over the place.

47. Princesses like 80's feathered hair with bangs.

48. If you want to protect someone's virginity, you assign Wilt Chamberlin to do it.

49. Things just don't get dirty in Conan's world. Everyone is super clean, clothes are always freshly washed, and buildings newly made. But wizards are dirty.

50. You only need four guys to make an elite guard for an entire kingdom.

51. Villagers like to live in mining pits.

52. Grace Jones had a worse performance than her Bond movie.

53. Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlin have the nastiest foreplay I have ever seen.

54. Wizards only sleep on designer pillows and comforters.

55. Real wizards fight like pro wrestlers. Spells are for chumps.

56. Thieves are really good at jumping behind you onto your horse and stabbing you in the kidneys.

57. Thieves also like to rub down Grace Jones.

58. When Conan gets drunk, he gets talky, and he isn't a very good instructor.

59. If the Queen's guards attacks you and you ask their boss why. If he shrugs and says "dunno", that is enough explanation.

60. Amazon women are afraid of mice just like regular women. But they don't want you to know that.

61. If you have something heavy to lift, make sure you have a Bombataa around to help you.

62. Never let the guy who is into S&M choose the guard uniforms.

63. Barbarians make bad diplomats. If you hear them say "Enough Talk!", duck.

64. Wizards and priests never have full beards but long goatees.

65. Mike Tyson and Wilt Chamberline have similar fighting styles.

[–] stcharles 16 years ago

66. Conan will believe you if you say you can bring back the dead
67. 15-year-old girls have British accents despite being raised in what appears to be Yugoslavia
68. Amazon Babe can knock over three guys just by hitting one of them in the face with a stick
69. Painted metal does not match your hair
70. Upon waking up and finding that your friend is not in the room, you do not assume that they are just outside going to the bathroom or something

[–] jjshaffer4 16 years ago

71: When finished using your torch, casually cast it aside... any spot will do.

[–] wile_e_peyote 16 years ago

Telling WILT CHAMBERLAIN and ARNOLD SCHWARZNEGGER to bring back a hot young woman unsullied is probably the dumbest thing one could ever do. But you didn't need to watch Conan to know that.

[–] Dancougar82 16 years ago

73. Cowardly, comic-relief thief sidekicks will claim its bad luck to kill a wizard when the party is cornered and your dagger is gone, yet find the courage to step in and stab a dead monster in an attempt to diminish your glory.
--Dancougar82

[–] 16 years ago

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[–] Kokarda 16 years ago

76. They knew charitable institutions back than

[–] OKLacoste 16 years ago

77. The evil Queen in a fantastic movie is always hot as hell

What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?
Conan The Barbarian.

[–] Dangergrover 15 years ago

The god of destruction, once summoned, can be killed in less than two minutes by jumping on its back.

Jumping from a height of 20 feet up is okay as long as you are holding a battle axe.

Cannibals like to roast the wizards the catch full dressed.

The wizard that brought a man back from the dead in the last movie cant undo a simple rope to save himself from being burned alive.

[–] 15 years ago

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[–] kayokayo 15 years ago

If you watch closely while queenie is about to poison D'Abo in the last quarter of the film , queenie spins and you will see she has no underwear. I was so pleased to learn this.

[–] bud-47 15 years ago

When attempting to lift or use magic to open an unmoveable glass door, nobody will think to use a weapon to simply break the glass.

[–] 15 years ago

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[–] weaselnutz 15 years ago

78. BArbarians are very fashion conscious. When told of a Jewel that will unlock the horn which will restore life to a god who will conquer and enslave the world Conan's only concern about the jewel is "Can it be worn?"

79. Zula is deadly with a spear toss at over 100 yard when killing Jenna sacrificer yet can't hit a rat at 3 feet in a tunnel.

80. Conan was an animal lover. Rather than cutting them down with his sword he is compassionate and only punches horses and camels.

[–] 15 years ago

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[–] matthew-brown1 14 years ago

81.When a Queens castle is nearly destroyed by the storm and there is rubble everywhere the next day it is a nice day and you can clear the place with in a few hours.

[–] Jane2005 14 years ago

Things I learned watching Conan the Destroyer.

Really bad, cheesy movies happen when the virgin isn't sacrificed, and then you become Governor of California.

[–] merlinsbeard 14 years ago

83. When it is time for the mystery to be revealed so that they know what form their quest really must take, it is always told by a tall Chinese man with facial hair.

84. Whenever Conan has to open doors of stone, he is so strong that they bend in the middle slightly, not unlike cardboard.

85. When Barbarians fight, it is important to try not to hurt one another very much. They especially do not like to make contact with fists or feet when they swing or kick.

86. Barbarians are committed to saving the lives of virgins whenever they can.

87. Evil Queens are committed to killing virgins whenever they can.

88. Whenever virgins really look at Barbarians, sweet music begins to play.

89. Conan turned down her offer to rule with her at the end because he needed to find his own Queen and his own Kingdom in the faraway land of Cahl-eee-for-neee-ah.

[–] bryandeth316 14 years ago

90. Dream gods awaken and become an angry, reptillian version of Andre The Giant.

91. Balding thieves are turned on by Grace Jones.

92. Grace Jones looking Amazons support rape aka SnuSnu ("Take him!")

93. The virgin niece of a Queen will be as annoying as Miley Cyrus.

94. You can free a prisoner and not have the entire village want to beat you to death.

95. When everyone else is dressed up, the Barbarian can get away with wearing a loin cloth.

96. The cowardly thief that stabs the already did monster gets the groovy music played for him because he's pathetic.

97. Conan is the ruler of a Third World Country.

98. Innocent virgins wake up screaming to Wilt Chamberlain "I need you!"

99. Conan can bend solid metal bars in two pulls or less in running water while everyone else cries about someone's brother's sister's cousin which means really his own cousin.

100. I really did what I could to get to 100.

101. Of all the males in this movie of every species, Grace Jones is still more man than they can every be.

Am I Insane? YES!!

[–] Shiny-NZ 13 years ago

If you're chased into a cave by magician-monks and you can't find the exit, punch your way out through a wall.

Tell Conan you can bring back the dead and he'll totally do anything you want.

Don't ask Wilt to protect an underage girl's virginity. Duh.

[–] Dream_Demon 11 years ago

105. Conan is in his underwear only for three instances, but one of those instances is really long and has no excuse, another is moderately long and it's only because he didn't want to get his trousers wet, and the third is a bit short but has no excuse since he's in an important ceremony.

106. Conan actually spends more time shirtless than he does pant-less.

107. Between getting out of a collapsing castle and rowing out into a lake towards the shore, Conan apparently found time to get dressed without anybody else on the boat batting an eye.

108. Conan and Malak either ran into the same camel Conan and Subotai ran into years earlier offscreen, or that Conan and Malak had an offscreen encounter with a camel similar to the first one.

109. Thorgrim from the first movie apparently has a mustachioed, long lost twin brother found in one of Bombaata's guards named Togra, and who can last longer in a fight with Conan than his own captain.

110. Queen Taramis has both mesmerizing and pyrokinetic powers, but only uses them to convince Conan to help on her quest to get Dagoth's horn.

Welcome to my Nightmare- Freddy Krueger

[–] double_c 11 years ago

111. Barbarians wear ridiculously outsized codpieces--but they're NOT overcompensating. No, not at all.

Elvis is DEAD

[–] crockett_john 11 years ago

112. Your brother's sister's cousin is a good source of information, but can't be trusted to know everything.

113. Being a crazy village thief qualifies you to be the captain of the guard.

114. Conan is in charge of approving the new hires in the kingdom.

115. Bombaata only makes half-hearted attempts at killing Conan most of the time.

[–] double_c 11 years ago

Going into threads you think are stupid to whine about them is even stupider.

Elvis is DEAD

[–] Dream_Demon 10 years ago

116. Conan prefers to not wear any kind of armor for battle at any point in this movie, yet he certainly wore armor for battle in the last film.

117. Apparently Queen Taramis' city is near the Mounds (and the beach next to it) from the first film. Why else would Conan and Malak assume that Taramis' guards were sent by an angry merchant?

118. Apparently after the Battle of the Mounds from the first film, the Mounds underwent some catastrophe that destroyed the rocks, turning them into a rock pile circle and having the hill that Valeria's pyre was on sink down to level ground.

119. Apparently, evil sorcerers who rely on magic to physically beat strong men to a pulp only know professional wrestling moves rather than actual combat arts.

120. Zula is said to belong to a group of bandits who were killed off, yet their corpses are never shown and Zula doesn't seek revenge against the villagers who killed her compatriots.

Welcome to my Nightmare- Freddy Krueger

[–] dempsey524 7 years ago

63. Barbarians make bad diplomats. If you hear them say "Enough Talk!", duck.

This comment ROFL

[–] 11 years ago

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