MovieChat Forums > Terms of Endearment (1983) Discussion > I felt so bad for Tommy... Please give m...

I felt so bad for Tommy... Please give me your thoughts

posted 15 years ago by christina42007
25 replies | jump to latest

Debra Winger was so childish when she had him and they ignored him... The part when Flap and her go upstairs and leave him alone and he puts on his coat and sits on the outside stairs actually made me get filled up... She doesn't know how to be a mother clearly and I guess since he is the oldest he was the one who suffered...

I thought Winger was selfish especially to Tommy and like she really disliked him because she didn't understand him... She almost seemed childish towards Tommy..maybe because she was young when she had him they had to grow up together...

I actually cried when they left young Tommy downstairs alone to go and have sex... The way he puts on his coat and sits on the steps all by himself really breaks my heart...

[–] mistedshadow 15 years ago

I agree that the Emma character was childish and I too was a bit aghast at the parents virtually having sex in front of their kid, oblivious to him and the rest of the world. But it plays into the unfolding of the movie, as I think that is a depiction of the apple not falling far from the tree.

Since the movie begins and ends with scenes of Aurora you would have to conclude that the theme of the movie centered around her. I think Emma's ineptitude as a parent is just an extension of Aurora's ineptitude. Being a parent is a learning process and I think the movie really is about Aurora's growth and learning process. Despite all the love she has for her daughter that doesn't protect Aurora from making mistakes. The movie starts with her motherly concern for her baby girl and keenly demonstrates her amateur-mom status by depicting her trying to climb into the crib of the baby, and then later climbing into bed with her 5yr old? daughter.

[–] MuchToBeGratefulFor 15 years ago

The part when Flap and her go upstairs and leave him alone and he puts on his coat and sits on the outside stairs actually made me get filled up

What, parents are never supposed to let their kids out of their sight? Ever?

In the timeframe this movie is set in, parents were not the constant roving helicopters that they are today. My parents slept late on weekends, and my brother and sister and I used to go downstairs before them, get our own cereal and watch TV. And we were not damaged by it. Even though maybe they weren't sleeping late after all, maybe they were (gasp) having sex! Parents take this catering to kids too far these days.

You must be the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi

[–] dorky_spunkster_i_am 15 years ago

I agree 100% with you.

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[–] MuchToBeGratefulFor 15 years ago

Thanks, and I'd like to add that Tommy himself did not seem upset about being left alone. He just knew the drill, that he had to amuse himself for awhile, and he had something in his hand he was playing with when he went and sat outside.

What the OP sees as bad in this scene, I see as healthy. Tommy has learned that the world does not revolve around him, and how to spend time by himself. Too many parents today don't teach their kids this, to their (and society's) detriment. He's also learned that, as it used to be before parents lost their way, that his parents' relationship with each other takes priority. Note that he is a happy kid at this stage of his life, and as he gets older he becomes angry and unhappy primarily because his parents' relationship has disintegrated.

You must be the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi

[–] Druff 11 years ago

Yep. It's always so obvious when a poster was born later than the 70s, later than 80s. They're always so completely aghast when they see any parent do anything in a film that doesn't involve hovering over and coddling their children. It's true that parents didn't coddle so much back then, and kids back then were better for it. We grew up to be stronger, more resourceful, and more independent. A lot of kids these days are just blobs of quivering mush. Pathetic.

[–] Harold_Robbins 15 years ago

The scene outside the hospital, in which Aurora slaps Tommy after he says they weren't Cub Scouts because Emma was too lazy, always breaks my heart. The slap enables him to release his tears for his dying mother.

The novel is really all about Aurora, who was softened considerably for the film. The last part of the novel is about Emma, and seems tacked-on and almost perfunctory, as though McMurtry really wasn't interested.

"Somewhere along the line the world has lost all of its standards and all of its taste."

[–] wowcharlie3 15 years ago

I felt bad for him, too. He had all of that anger over what he must have perceived as his mother's lack of attention--but he loved her. Then again, she was ready to leave him, and it all just comes out as anger at her for not being there. That kid that played Tommy was really good in this movie.

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] OldFriendOfTheChristys 8 years ago

The scene outside the hospital, in which Aurora slaps Tommy after he says they weren't Cub Scouts because Emma was too lazy, always breaks my heart. The slap enables him to release his tears for his dying mother.

That part absolutely kills me.

What makes ToE the quintessential tearjerker is how true-to-life it is. It’s almost scarily resonant.

[–] Waldimore 11 years ago

I feel the same way. That scene demonstrates the realities and problems of parenting today and how children are neglected because today's parents feel that claiming "their space," is more important.

Emma wasn't a bad person. She was sweet and uncomplicated. But she also was the victim of poor parenting and so she was one herself. People want children, need to answer the call of procreation, but no one wants to truly sacrifice for their kids.

This is the root of a lot of abuse children suffer today.

[–] lunayoshi 10 years ago

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I know firsthand how not sacrificing for the good of your kids can affect them.

My stepsister immaturely had a kid when she was 19. She had barely finished high school, socialized with the worst kinds of people, and was just too emotionally immature to care for this kid. She kept him anyway. It got to the point where she'd get high or drunk so often, my step-nephew was practically starved for attention and would act out in the most god-awful ways because it was the only way she'd pay attention to him, mostly if he disobeyed her.

My family had to take him away from her twice--once when he was 2 and another when he was 7--because she simply wasn't taking care of him at all. For some reason I can't fathom due to how she treated the kid, she fought with my stepfather for custody and won both times. While we had him, he was such a handful, even my stepfather didn't want to deal with him and his outbursts despite being the one who insisted we keep him, and the responsibilities fell on the shoulders of me and my mom. Eventually my mom said it either the kid leaves or both my stepdad and the kid leave. Then my stepsister won the custody battles and away they went to go on being dysfunctional.

The whole thing wound up ruining my mom and stepdad's relationship and turned me off to children entirely.

Sorry for the mini-biography, but it's just a shining example of how important it is to actually TAKE CARE of your kids. I think Emma got better at it as she got older, but yeah, I feel bad for Tommy.

---------
You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I cant spend the rest of mine with you.

[–] MuchToBeGratefulFor 10 years ago

There is a HUGE difference between parents taking some time for themselves, as Flap and Emma did in this scene, versus being a neglectful and drug-abusing parent as your step-sister is/was.

You must be the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi

[–] sonofbeach-sheet 10 years ago

I always wondered why Tommy was so negative and pessimistic, especially in the sequel, yet Teddy was raised by the same sorry parents and he was a loving and tender kid! Guess it was because Tommy had put up with a lot of crap a few years longer!

[–] fiatlux-1 10 years ago

I always wondered that about Tommy too. I know Emma (and certainly that jackass Flap) were not perfect parents, but he still was a little punk to everyone.

The trouble with kids (including myself back then) is that they don't 'see' their parents as human beings that have serious flaws or are learning to be parents still or have bad moods or just make mistakes.
They see Good or Bad. Available or Not. Smart or Stupid.
Tommy was one of these kids. He needed to realize his mom was flawed like everyone, and learn that she did love him & it was OK to love his mom back.

"I'd say this cloud is Cumulo Nimbus."
"Didn't he discover America?"
"Penfold, shush."

[–] LukeLovesFilm28 8 years ago

You do realize that parents are gods to their children, right? They can't be human or flawed or else, the kid feels lost. It's the parents job to be the adult and put themselves second for the welfare of their child, including the child's happiness.

Let's not forget that Aurora wanted Tommy to call her by her married name for crying out loud. Not "Grandma" like a normal person.

[–] renata77 10 years ago

I so agree! There's like one scene where he is (horrors!) left to himself while his parents go upstairs.

I think Flap was a particularly bad parent, but Emma is very real and loving with her children. I don't think overall that she was a bad parent. How many parents would be able to have that discussion she had with them about her dying? Especially the part where she tells Tommy that it's ok that he doesn't tell her he loves her and "pretends" he hates her, and that he should never feel guilty about that?

However, Tommy was sour and petulant ever since the second actor started playing him. You can see this is due in part to his parents' deteriorating relationship, but he is just insufferable about any minor inconvenience. He gives his parents disgusted glances at every turn. I really couldn't stand him. Someone on another thread noted that it seemed Tommy was just withdrawing in preparation for Emma's death, but in reality that is his modus operandi ever since he turns about 8 or 9.
The actor did a terrific job and I have to say that he made me dislike Tommy extremely - perhaps even more than I disliked Flap. Flap at least had his moments where he was tender from time to time, whereas Tommy just seemed to be a ball of hatred and contempt towards both his parents.

[–] LukeLovesFilm28 8 years ago

OMG. He's a child. His parents are what made him. How can adults get so easily threatened by a child? You all have so much more physical, psychological and emotional power than that child.

[–] LukeLovesFilm28 8 years ago

And I like how you absolve her of her wrongdoings and put all the blame on the man. He's the one forced to work and get enough money to support that family. You ladies never think about the man's perspective. You never think of men as human beings, who have all the emotional capacity you do. All men and even children are to you are tools, to hurt you or make you feel better.

[–] daughterofolaf 10 years ago

Agreed. Completely ridiculous and borderline crazy that someone would even compare these two scenarios.

It wasn't me who was murdered, was it?

[–] LukeLovesFilm28 8 years ago

You're probably one of those wonderful "adult" parents that treat their kids like dogs / property. If the kid isn't being a perfect example of how a child should act, you hit them until their disobedience is corrected. Am I wrong? You couldn't possibly treat the child like a growing, adolescent human being. A human being who is capable of so much more than the fcking obedient dog that you want them to turn into.

[–] MuchToBeGratefulFor 8 years ago

What the hell is this post even commenting on?

You must be the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi

[–] daughterofolaf 9 years ago

This is one of the most ridiculous and immature posts I have ever read. It makes me wonder what movie the OP was watching. I assume you must be really young to have such a silly and inexplicably off-base view. The mother was childish when "she had him and ignored him"? WTF are you even talking about?

It wasn't me who was murdered, was it?

[–] winepooh96 8 years ago

I'm surprised so many posts here are saying that Tommy was nasty to his mother because she neglected him. The way I saw it he was angry towards her because he blamed her for Flap being uninterested in being a father. He wasn't in cub scouts because Emma probably couldn't afford to put him in it. Instead of blaming his dad, he put it all on Emma.

[–] Pmdmnym 8 years ago

I totally agree! I feel so bad for Tommy as well and cry when he sits alone outside. And when she yells at him in the parking lot!!! Dear Lord...

Wait! Wait! Where are you going? I was gonna make Espresso!

[–] OldFriendOfTheChristys 8 years ago

The older I get – and I’m not even a parent - the more I appreciate the scene in which Emma explains to Tommy he never has to feel bad about having never told her he loves her… because she already knows. He is going to realize it someday, like Emma said, and he’s going to feel terrible, but hopefully he remembers his mother’s words and quickly puts it out of his mind.

It’s one of the most expertly written scenes of dialogue I’ve ever witnessed.

Really, just thinking about it makes me emotional.