Braden is a pimp


He's like the badass cousin of Val Kilmer and Christopher George!

He's best friends with Sho Kosugi, packs heat with him to Japan, and takes down ninjas like a dead-eye. I don't think, outside of You Only Live Twice, I've ever seen a ninja felled by gunfire. But it ain't no thing to Braden.

Furthermore (though this may be in dispute) he's the one who sent the ninjas after Cho's family in the first place in order to convince him to move to America and be an unwitting accomplice in his nefarious plans.

The close-ups of his eyes (with an appopriately "Cannon" synth sting) make me forget my own name.

He's secretly a ninja. Think about that. How surprised would you be if you found out your best friend knew ninjitsu and took down mob bosses in his spare time?

He smuggles herion inside authentic Japanese dolls, but gets his friend to do the dirty work.

He puts Caifano in his place.

He puts Cathy in her place.

I suspect he's the brother of Tony Roberts though without a DNA test I can't confirm.

When he says, "You know what to do," it means, "Put Cathy in a jacuzi and turn on the high pressure jets. Oh, and Cho's kid? He goes in the sauna."

He wears a creepy silvery plastic mask over his face when in ninja mode. It would be virtually impossible to see out of that thing, but it looks utterly badass.

His laughter sends fear into the hearts of men. And if he wags his finger at you, you know you're in for it.

His commanding voice shrivels my man parts. "Cathy the dolls are gone! Someone stole them!"

Braden may not be the hero of the film, but he's certainly my hero.

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Plus, he had evil Asian henchmen to watch his ho, and his eyes could glow green with ninja magic, like a Lite Brite.



"Two tigers cannot live on the same mountain"

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LMAO at the Lite Brite!

And let's not forget that he can have both thighs deeply gashed open, and not only does he instantly stop bleeding, but his sneaky ninja pants mend themselves within seconds!

But wait a minute -- what about that heroin-in-the-dolls scheme anyway? I assume his heroin buyers would have to buy the entire doll to keep up appearances -- it wouldn't look good if he'd broken them open like so many piñatas, then had the gallery sell expensive, handmade, imported dolls with duct tape all over them. But that means the buyers are paying for the heroin and the dolls themselves. That's bad business. Today's savvy consumer knows better than to pay extra for that sort of overpriced over-packaging -- indeed, that's why no-name brands are so popular. You'd think a badass ninja would be more financially sensible.

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[deleted]

Oh no my friend. If you're dealing with Braden and his heroine comes shipped and delivered in expensive, hand-made Japanese dolls, then the dolls you shall buy. A standard was set and one would be smart to abide...least you get and shuriken in the face.

Lol

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well said! I must agree - Braden is the real deal.

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