MovieChat Forums > Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1982) Discussion > A few things Sweeney Todd taught me (spo...

A few things Sweeney Todd taught me (spoilers galore!)

posted 17 years ago by Sunflower64
57 replies | jump to latest

I see these things on the message boards all the time and I love them so I thought I would start one for Sweeney Todd. Here's what I got.

1. Human flesh smells terrible but tastes great.

2. If there's woman following you around, claiming to know you, stop and take a good look at her. She probably does.

3. If you're eating a pie and suddenly find a hair, stop eating. This goes double if you find a fingernail.

4. When your boyfriend vows he'll kill a dozen jailers to set you free, this most likely means he will freeze when confronted with one. He may even drop the gun in your lap and make you do it.

5. No matter how much you love a guy, it's not a good idea to let him believe his wife is dead when she really isn't. Especially if she lives in the area. He probably won't forgive you. He'll probably throw you alive into an oven.

6. How many varities of yellow hair there are.

7. We place A LOT of trust in our barbers. A lot.

8. Giving symbolic birds as gifts can be a real turn-on.

9. Nothing rhymes with locksmith.

Now Father, you're living in the past. This is the 14th century!

[–] Goofy_Elfman 17 years ago

10. Continually make fun of products traveling salesmen are vending out.

"I don't like so much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets."

[–] Zarten 17 years ago

11. if your cat runs away don't eat at near by places

To die to be truly dead that must be glorious.

Queen Bleeder

[–] marseilletarot 17 years ago

12. A sheltered girl who dresses up in a sailor disguise is just asking for it.

13. When you go to a person's house to accept their apology, LEAVE the minute you see everybody wearing pig masks.

[–] x_Sparky_x 17 years ago

14. One should always be suspicious of the overnight success of a pie-shop.
15. When you need something to fill up the end of a first act, go for cannibalism dripping with puns.
16. "To seek revenge may lead to hell, but everyone does it and seldom as well."
17. Never take the phrase 'It's a small world' with a grain of salt.
18. When seeking bloody revenge, make it easier on yourself and just kill everyone. It gets things done faster.

-----------------------
†Daintier, Smarter, Better Dressed†

[–] sldrobinson892 17 years ago

19. If you have to lock someone up who's found out about your evil cannibalizing scheme, don't make it the place where you keep your dead victims.

[–] xoangel2789xo 16 years ago

20. The buddy system is always a good idea...especially when you're going to get a shave...or if not, stress to the barber that people know where you are and that you have a lot of family and friends that would notice if you mysteriously went missing.

[–] Remus07 16 years ago

21. If your barber dies, don't cremate him. He'll just crawl out the other end of the oven and start singing and shaving again.

22. Don't piss off your barber.

[–] xoangel2789xo 16 years ago

23. When the guy you're madly in love with realizes that you've been lying to him about his "dead" wife...RUN for the door!!!

Official Bleeder

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] gnta53 16 years ago

25. When going to the barber, stomp on the floor around the barber's chair to make sure there aren't any hollow spaces.

[–] elphaba_thrpp 16 years ago

26. Never throw the adoptive mother figure of a mentally unstable kid into an oven. Especially if he may be watching. Especially, especially if he isn't very fond of you in the first place, considering you've already killed half of London including his former master(No matter how much of an obnoxious con-man he was).

27. The secret to making good meat pies is to put the meat through the grinder three times. Or you can just use human meat. Whichever works best for you.

Screw the rules, I have money!

[–] cryptkeeper3000 16 years ago

28. There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled with *beep* and the vermin of the world inhabit it, and its name is London.

29. Just because your wife poisoned herself doesn't mean she died.

[–] gnta53 16 years ago

30. There's no place like London.

[–] elphaba_thrpp 16 years ago

31. Occasionally listen to the bizarre ramblings about local eateries made by the demented, homeless women that live on your street. They may be on to something.

Screw the rules, I have money!

[–] gnta53 16 years ago

32. You shouldn't be surprised that your average barber has been to the mountains of Peru, or sailed the seven seas.

[–] elphaba_thrpp 16 years ago

33. The ideal retirement spot for most mass murderers is by the sea.

Screw the rules, I have money!

[–] SilverRubies 16 years ago

34. if your barber starts singing when he's shaving you, it's perfectly normal. odds are, he's going to kill you soon.

You have to say that. You're my mother.
SilverRubies

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] elphaba_thrpp 16 years ago

36. London asylums have the worst security ever.

Screw the rules, I have money!

[–] x-italian-bella-x 16 years ago

37. Nothin' can harm you, not while I'm around.

[–] HaulAway 16 years ago

37. Politician is best served on a bun. (You never know when it's going to run.)

38. If someone says that their meat pies are the worst in London, believe them.

39. Learn forgiveness and try to forget.

40. Life is for the alive.

Don't judge a book by its movie.
Official Bleeder

[–] x-italian-bella-x 16 years ago

41. When your barber's right arm isn't complete without his blade, don't just assume it's because he loves to shave your face. Chances are, there's more to it.

[–] Pixie_Doll120 16 years ago

42. never look inside a meat pie

43. be suspicious of barbers.

44. the lives of the wicked should be made brief for the rest of us death will be a relief.

45. people taste yummy.

viva la vie boheme!

[–] snowboard360 16 years ago

46. Stick to priest

[–] CleoMarie 16 years ago

47. Toby likes throuwing old women out.

We must be lonely side by side. It's a perfect way to hide.

[–] beckeis 16 years ago

48. When the girl says "Kiss me!" just do it or you may not get a chance to do it again.

[–] HaulAway 16 years ago

49. Don't wait, even when someone tells you to.

50. If you hear a click, it's not the gate. You don't have a gate.

51. Friday is virtually Sunday.

Don't judge a book by its movie.
Official Bleeder

[–] rtm_rules 16 years ago

52. If your barber starts singing, just go along with it, you will be fine ;)

Never Forgive, Never Forget

[–] cedockery9 16 years ago

48. Poet isn't good to eat because you can never tell if it's deceased.
49. If a woman tells you her pies are the worst pies in London, you'd better believe it.
50. If a barber holds a razor up to your throat while both of you are singing songs about pretty women, it's probably not a good idea to go back to that barber ever again.

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] cinemastupid 16 years ago

47: Die, damn you die!

48: beggar women who ask to push a well wisher's parsley may be your wife.

49: Slit the throat of a guy who black mails you, and you would still have your marbles.

50: This is piss, piss with ink

*beep* you! You sit down!

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] spradlingsings 16 years ago

53. Tuesday is ALSO virtually Sunday
54. Nothing brightens like a nice bowl of gillies.
55. George Hearn can do no wrong. He gave birth to Chuck Norris by singing him into existence.
56. If a man sings beautifully enough he can be a murderous psychopath who looks like hell and it won't matter. He will be HOT. Hot hot HOT.
57. There is a rat heaven. Jesus is there.
58. If you are held captive by a lecherous old man, don't wear a light fabric. Like muslin. Stick to burlap.

[–] fortunaewow 16 years ago

59. Everyone goes down well with beer
60. Trap doors are a barber's best friend

[–] elphaba_thrpp 16 years ago

61. Bringing back the supposedly dead wife is the best plot twist EVER!

[–] ceres_andraste 16 years ago

62) Pigs can spit.

What is the velocity of an unladen swallow?

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] Director4697 16 years ago

64. Ink and piss does not grow hair, but it does eat through your boots.

65. There are in fact 12 bells in the tower of Bray

66. If a pie tastes so good that you shout out "GOD THATS GOOD", chances are theres something other than what you thought was in there, take the Bic Mac...

67. a barber shop that sits on top of a meat pie emporium is TOO much of a coincedence.

and i guess since number 35 has been deleted:

35. Crazy Beggar Women always want it "Snuggly Harbored"

[–] Jillywinkles 16 years ago

56. If a man sings beautifully enough he can be a murderous psychopath who looks like hell and it won't matter. He will be HOT. Hot hot HOT.

YES!

[–] cinder-daemon 16 years ago

68. Stephen Sondheim can do no wrong!

69. Selling human pies is a nice, respectatble business.

I~O #10

Here's to being an "us" for once, instead of a "them"! LA VIE BOHEME!

[–] mrsramthun 16 years ago

70. Circling an asylum a dozen times is wise , because you may have missed something you didn't see the first ten times you walked around the place. :)

[–] BSEJ87 16 years ago

71. The waltz will always end with one person dying
72. If the recession causes the price of meat to continue to soar, with the price of meat what it is, when you get it, if you get it...

[–] mrsramthun 16 years ago

73) Roaches can apparently survive being baked and are impervious to the fire and heat needed to bake the pies.

74) Human remains have a habit of disappearing and reappearing in the cellar (as toby is eating the pie and discovers the finger in it.)

75) A barber will almost always have his shaving implements handy when challenging someone to a shaving contest.

76) it's alright for an italian barber to enter into a wager under false pretenses but will try and blackmail you for doing the same thing.

77) When a fellow barber gets an evil grin on his face after viewing your razors , you might want to think twice about entering a shaving compition with him.

78) You might want to think twice about entering a judges house when he opens the door , especially after an old beggar woman warns you that there could be a whipping involved.

79) Human remains are not noticeable in the grinder until you take a bite out of a pie and find a finger in it.

80) Apparently cats have no odor when being baked into pies but human flesh smells horrible.

[–] cinemastupid 15 years ago

81: God, that's good

82: Keep it off your boots sir, eats right through

83: The Beadle bleeds more than everyone else put together

My God! You're greasy.]

[–] bsa_victor_441 15 years ago

84: If you want a meat pie in 19th century London, your choices are
pussycat and human flesh.

[–] cinemastupid 15 years ago

85. Apparently, human flesh is fit for a king

86. An Irish barber named Danny can feed enough people at a crowded grand opening.

87. Razors can sing "Yes"!

88. In 1843 or something, razors have buttons on their sides.

*beep* you! You sit down

[–] HinaElena 15 years ago

8. Giving symbolic birds as gifts can be a real turn-on.

Oh so funny!

...
Hop away, horny toad.
...

[–] cinemastupid 15 years ago

89: If people you don't know are singing a letter out loud, don't listen. The plan backfires (I know from expieriance)

90: If Sweeney was like a perfect machine at the time, then in 1843 London, machines usually backfired and cause you to be murdered by an autistic young man.

[–] kingfisherofthesea 15 years ago

^Didn't understand number 89.

91: People tend to speak (or sing) out while others are talking (singing) esp when they're excited.

92: Your hair stands on end and changes colour when you've gone mad.

93: Beadles are horny bastards and Judges are pedophiles.

94: Birdcages can be easily be torn in half.

95: Priests taste heavenly because they're virgins, but are not as hearty as Bishop yet not as bland as Curate either.

96: Sweeny Todd is "at your...disposal."

[–] cinemastupid 15 years ago

97: In 1843, people can have marriage plans when they don't even know their fiance's name.

98: It doesn't arouse suspicion when three different pie flavors taste the same.

99: The clergy is really too course and too mealy.

!!!1!0!0!!!:Grocers, squires, and vicars look alike.

[–] freakygirlhere 15 years ago

100. A tot of gin can lure a nosy boy away.

101. If you hear a factory whistle, someone you know has just died.

If I were Jewish, I'd make a broadway musical about that statement

[–] anti_blondine 15 years ago

102: 19th century barbers, besides cutting your hair and trimming/shaving your beard, also provide soothing skin-massages.

103: No one seems to find it peculiar that a barber from London speaks with an american accent.

104: Assistants to faux italian barbers have unexplained problems with their feet.

[–] ChocolateButt 15 years ago

105. When blackmailing a man that is clearly funny in the head, ensure that you maintain at least ten feet of distance, lest his reaction to your exploitation should be a tad over the top.

"The road to hell is paved with adverbs."
Stephen King

[–] mattimeo8 14 years ago

106. If you’re eating a pie and you find something unusual in it, stop eating.

107. Cows don’t have fingernails.

108. Always knock before entering a room.

109. When a serial killer starts preaching about forgiveness, run.

110. When waltzing around a bakehouse, ensure all oven doors are locked.

111. If you meet a seemingly mad beggar who tells you they know you, stop and take a good look at them. They’re probably right and it will save you a great deal of grief later on.

112. If you hear someone cracking jokes about the different flavours people have, be afraid. They’re probably not joking.

113. Locking someone you intend to kill in a room leading to a potential escape route isn’t the best idea in the world.

The chaos of freedom is the organisation of equality.