let's redo the whole movie line by line
i'll start. let's skip over the prologue.
Down with smut! Down with smut!
You bought this house with the profits of porno!
shareChildren are going to hell because of your theater!
Children under twelve, a dollar fifty!
Please show Bambi! Please show G-rated movies!
Elmer! Thank God you're home!
Get off of me! Why haven't you notified the press?! Think of the publicity! The the-ate-er will be packed tomorrow night!
Elmer, please don't call the press!
It's bad enough already
All the neighborhood women spit at me in the shopping mall!
You wouldn't be in the shopping mall if it wasn't for my the-ate-er.
Hello? Channel 12 news?
This is Elmer Fishpaw, 538 Wyman Way.
I'm the owner of the Charles Art Theater.
I thought you might want to send a mini-cam crew to my home.
Mini-cam? Elmer, please!
The Citizens for Decent Films are violently demonstrating on my front lawn!
FILTH!
Oh, Elmer, there're more of them out there. I'll never be able to show my face in church again! I'll be excommunicated because of you!
Stop that yammering and fix me a drink!
Oh!
What do we love?
Decency!
What do we hate?
Filth!
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
Here, Bonkers!
Here, Bonkers!
Here's little Bonkers!
Bonkers is Daddy's little baby.
Bonkers knows who's boss in this house
Here Bonkers!
Give me a little kiss, Bonkers!
That a little doggie...little doggie!
You are so cute, Bonkers!
Oh, Elmer, that dog stinks to high heaven. You'll be permeated by his odor.
Yeah? Well, this whole world stinks, Francine, so get used to it! You and that big nose of yours are starting to get on my nerves. Snortin' around the place like a goddamn anteater.
I've about had it with you! Gimme that drink!
Yes, dear.
Hurry up!
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
What do we hate? Filth!
Lulu! Dinner's ready!
I'll be down in a minute!
Dexter, honey, dinner's on the table!
(Dexter peruses foot fetish clippings...)
Elmer, dinner's served!
I'm in here waiting for it!
Elmer, let's try and have a pleasant family dinner. Let's try to be kind to the other members of the family.
I'll try Francine, but don't go riling me up! Choose your words with care, and I won't get riled!
Yes dear...
Oh, Lulu, your hair looks so pretty!
I know.
Dexter, did you do your homework, honey?
Sure, sure.
Can we say grace? Can we at least do that?
'Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen!'
<doorbell rings>
Don't answer it!
It's a TV crew!
I'll handle that. You all stay here.
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
Mr. Fishpaw, would you step out please?
Why certainly!
<crowd boos>
Mr. Fishpaw, I'm Jerry Haller from Channel 12 news.
I was wondering could you make a comment
on this demonstration against your X-rated movie theater?
I'll show any movie I wanna show!
This is a free country isn't it?
Our current attraction is "My Burning Bush."
We have shows daily at 2,4,6,8 and 10:00!
<Laughs>
Leave us alone! Please, leave us alone!
My family hasn't done anything to you!
<crowd laughs>
I'm a good Christian woman!
<falls, scrambles toward door>
Two! Four! Six! Eight!
<Dexter is 'huffing' some under-the-kitchen-sink cleaning chemical.>
(- meanwhile -)
All that free publicity! I can't wait to see the 11:00 news.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
What the hell?
Excuse me, my name's Freddy Ashton. Uh, I'm sorry if I caught you at a bad time. I have a date with your daughter, Lulu.
She didn't say anything to me about a date. It is a school night, you know.
Yes, ma'am, I know. We're going to work on our term papers together. Down at the library.
You take care of this, Francine. I'm gonna pour myself a big drink and get into bed. I've got a big day countin' money tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Mr. Fishpaw. Have a nice night!
I think it's disgraceful the way your neighbors act, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Very kind of you to say so, Freddy. Won't you sit down?
Thank you.
I didn't get your last name.
Ashton.
You're not by any chance a friend of Bo Bo Belsinger's, are you? You see, Lulu's forbidden to see him.
Oh, no, ma'am.
Ooooh, aaaaah, hiiiii, Freddy!
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
Where did you get that outfit?
I borrowed it! Do you like it?
That's a new garment, Lulu, I can smell it!
Have you been shoplifting again?
I bought it with money I saved.
What money? You don't have a job.
Boys at school give me money.
For what?
For dancing at lunch period!
You dance lewdly for the boys at lunch period?
For a quarter I will!
Stop that dancing!
Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw. Puberty brings on strange behavior in adolescents.
I'll take good care of her. Have a nice night!
Yes...uh
Goodbye children! Don't be late, it's a school night! Freddy, drive carefully! Lulu, you have 15 cents to call home--?
I sure do!
Well, be a good girl...bye!
Lulu, you look so nice tonight.
Oh, Freddy, you're so polite!
We're gonna have such fun!
Okay, bird brain, it's gonna cost ya ten bucks. Pull down by the golf course.
Lulu, don't try to shock me 'cause it's not gonna work. We're going to the library to study.
Too cheap, huh?! Come on, get this junk heap movin'!
Lulu, stay on your side!
Give it some gas! Give it some gas!
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
See you later, chump! Bo-Bo!
<kiss>
Lulu, we'd better be getting to the library.
You ain't going anywhere with this little lady, f_ggot!
I believe I had a date with her, Bo-Bo?
Get lost moron!
See you later, Freddy!
Go on, get out of here!
Yeah! Shake it all! Come on, get down! Hot damn, yeah! Shake it Lulu! Let's go!
Come on, yeah! Come on, girl!
Look what I got!
All right!
Let's go downtown and play some pool!
Later that night...
Woo! Woo!! Yahoo!
<Bo-Bo swats Jewish man...man curses in Hebrew>
<Bo-Bo laughing>
<Bo-Bo swats Asian woman...woman curses in Chinese>
<Bo-Bo swats Grizelda/Sister of the Church>
You white h_nky! You crazy cracka'! What's wrong with these children of today?!
Don't he know he just hit one of the sisters of the church?!
I'm sick and tired of what these children are doing--!!
<The good sister proceeds to hijack a bus full of passengers and chase Bo-Bo and Lulu and friend. She catches up with them, corners them and pops one of their tires.>
I don't know what's happening. Let's get out of here!
<Sister starts to slap and punch the *beep* out of Bo-Bo.>
Help! Help! I didn't do nothin'!
<Lulu stands by screaming again and again.>
( - meanwhile, Dexter's spying on an unsuspecting young woman with binoculars, as she clips her toenails. - )
Oh, oh, ohh, don't stop, ohh...
( - and Elmer and Francine are in bed, watching the 11:00 News - )
'Baltimore Police today reported they had no suspects in the Baltimore Foot-Stomper Case. Described as a thin, white teenage male, the Stomper struck twice this week seriously injuring the feet of two Baltimore women.'
Come on! Where's my footage?!
'Miss Betty Lazinski, a waitress at the White Coffee Pot Restaurant, was released from the hospital today and talked with Channel 12 News.'
'Some people think this is funny but I have three broken toes to show for it!'
'Did the Stomper say anything?'
Come on! Come on! Where's my footage?!
'He didn't say nothin'! He just stomped on my foot!'
'In other news...'
Shut up! Here it is.
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
<newscaster>
...picketed the home of Mr. Elmer Fishpaw today. Mr. Fishpaw is the owner of the Charles Art Theater,
a local X-rated movie house.
2,4,6,8! X-Rated movies we all hate! 1,3,5,9, G-rated movies are mighty fine!
The pickets, led by Mrs. Jeanette Smise of Townsend, feel he should change the theater's policy by showing only G-rated family movies.
Why his theater caters to sex offenders!
We visited the Charles Art Theater today but were unable to find a ticket buyer willing to be interviewed on camera.
Sir, would you like to comment on the movie you've just seen? Excuse me sir, pardon me, would you like to comment on the movie? Excuse me sir, pardon me sir, pardon me sir, would you like to comment on the movie...?
Mr. Fishpaw, when contacted by Channel 12 news--
Here I am!
--responded to the protesters:
I think my theater helps stop rape!
Mrs. Fishpaw, however, refused to talk with reporters.
Oh! No...oh!
I've never been so humiliated!
<Elmer laughs>
In other news, a member of the Charles Manson family escaped today from the California Institute for Women at Frontera, California.
That's all?!
She was identified as--
They didn't even give the showtime!
I have never been so embarrassed.
Yellow journalism, that's what it is!
Oh God, it's not fair!
What the hell are you doing?
Saying my prayers, Elmer. Asking God to forgive you for showing dirty movies!
I don't believe this! I got a goddamn nun for a wife!
Francine tries to get frisky with Elmer
I'm not in the mood!
<FART>
Oh!!
<Elmer talking in his sleep
Oh...oh...oh...Oh Sandra! Oh, easy, San--
Sandra??
Sniff Sniff Sniff Sniff Sniff!!!!!!!
The White Gables Motel?? Oh!!
<SOBBING>
( - the next morning - rooster is making 'cock-a-doodle-do' noise - alarm buzzes - )
Get up, Francine, you big oaf! I want some breakfast!
What time is it?
Time for you to get that fat @ss out of bed, that's what time it is! I guess I'll have to fix my own cereal!
( - downstairs in kitchen - )
ahhhhhhhhhh!
You pig!
You're the pig!
Sit up straight.
Why don't you let that hair grow, boy? You look like a fruit with that short hair.
Why don't you drop dead?!
ahahahahaha!
You're just askin' for it.
ahahahahaha!
How's my baby doin' in school?
I learned all about my cervix in sex education class yesterday.
I gotta go.
Me, too.
Good morning, darling. I don't know why I slept so late.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See ya later. I got a busy day.
Oh, Elmer!
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
(-Bonkers growls at Dawn-)
Ooh!
(-Francine's mother comes into the house-)
Francine? Francine!
I'm in the little girl's room mother!
Can't you do that later? I don't have all day you know! I'm missing valuable shopping time.
Mother please, I'll be out in a second!
I don't know why you bother. You've always retained your fluids!
(-Francine's mom steals some money-)
Hello mother.
TSK Good Lord, Francine! You've put on another 20 pounds!
Au revoir, Heintz.
Should I go to the laundromat now Madame or wait for you?
You can go now Heintz. I'll BEEP, BEEP, BEEP if I need you.
As you wish Madame!
Ooh its Cuddles!
Good Lord Francine, don't you know it's bad luck to let retarded people in your home?
Call me a cab, this instant!
But mother, she's my best friend!
You're best friend?! She was your cleaning lady, Francine! Are you that unpopular that you seek
out the social company of your maid?
But she's not a maid anymore mother, she inherited a great deal of money from a family she used to work for.
Money or not--oh, the injustice of it all! She was a scrub woman! Give her car fare, a ham at Easter, but for God's sakes, don't hang around with her! Are you going to call me a cab or do I have to walk?!
Yes mother
Good God!
Hi Francine-y.
Hi Cuddles. You remember my mother, La Rue?
Enchante...
Well, well, well. Off work so early? Scrubbed out any interesting toilets lately?
Mother, please.
Thank God, my cab.
Oh, Cuddles, I'm so glad you're here.
Francine, I'm in a heavenly mood today. I just got my second installment of my inheritance. Let's celebrate!
That calls for a big lunch.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
This house is just like "Architectural Digest," Francine.
Thank you, Cuddles.
Cuddles, I've been so depressed lately.
Why, you should get out more. Bachelor cotillions, parties, country clubs. I've been on top of the world lately with my debutante party coming up.
Oh, Cuddles, you're too old to be a debutante. Just because you've inherited a lot of money doesn't mean you're suddenly socially prominent.
Broadway doesn't go for boooooze and dope!share
I've already rented the hall, Francine. November the 10th.
It will be a beautiful affair. Every little detail will be perfect.
I wish I could be more like you, Cuddles. Always optimistic.
I look into my future and all I see is a long, dark highway filled with endless toll booths and no exits.
I'll be quite blunt with you, Cuddles. I think my marriage is...on the rocks!
<RRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGG>
Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Fishpaw? This is Sandra Sullivan, your husband's secretary. Elmer asked me to call you and let you know that he won't be coming home tonight. He's been called out of town on business.
I see...I see, thank you.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh! <Sob>
She fell for it. Oh, God, what she must look like!
Wanna see a picture of her?
Oh, God, yes. This I gotta see.
The bitter truth.
Oh, ahahaha! Elmer, she'a an absolute cow!
Elmer, I have something to show you.
You know what these are? Yes, sirree! Oral contraceptives!
They'll suppress my ovulations through hormones.
I got somethin' for you, Sandra. I got condoms. Red-hot prophylactics. Black, your favorite color.
Oh, go, honey!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
Oh Elmer, you do that so good! Come on honey, move for me baby!
<MEANWHILE BACK AT THE FISHPAW'S...>
Maybe he really did go out of town, Francine.
--sniff No...no, he's having an affair with his secretary...and I have the proof!
Look what I found in his pocket, a Mastercharge receipt, dated yesterday...
from the White Gables Motel!
RRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGG
I'll get it, Francine. Ello-hay? Old-hay on-ay! For you, Francine.
Hello?
Mrs. Fishpaw? This is Mr. Kirk, principal of Overlee Junior High School.
Hello, Mr. Kirk.
Is Dexter ill today?
Why no, Mr. Kirk, Dexter's in school.
I'm afraid he's not, Mrs. Fishpaw. Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand
and the Baltimore County School Board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system.
Why Mr. Kirk, I'm as upset as you to learn of Dexter's truancy but surely expulsion is not the answer!
I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer. It is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane and a hazard to the safety of the other students. We have no choice, I'm sorry.
Good day, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Hello? Mr. Kirk? Hello? Hello?! Oh! Dexter's been expelled from school!
For what?
For truancy!
It's just those common Baltimore public schools. God, I wish I lived in Connecticut!
The principal said that he was...insane!
He's probably out playing polo with his friends.
Oh Cuddles, do you think there is something...wrong with my son?
( - Meanwhile - Dexter is smoking a cigarette and looking wasted out of his skull as he lurks in a parking lot outside of various offices and shops. He watches women's feet as they come and go. Then he spots a woman coming out of a store and...)
<STOMP!!>
<Shrieking and screaming>
GOD! HELP! OH MY GOD! HELP!
<Dexter laughs hysterically>
IS ANYBODY GONNA HELP ME?!
( - Back to lunch with Francine and Cuddles - )
If my son does have emotional problems, I can only blame Elmer.
Oh, Cuddles, go to the White Gables Motel for me and call me if you see his car! <sobs>
Oh, you mean like a spy, Francine?
Yes.
You got yourself a deal!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
BEEP BEEP BEEP
Ach, my goodness!
<Cuddles moves stealthily towards the driveway...>
Hurry, Heintz. Emergency, emergency! Hurry Heintz!
Don't ask any questions. Make a fast right. Circle the block.
Head straight to the White Gable Motel, and hurry!
Yes, ma'am!
Hurry, Heintz.
Lulu? Lulu, is that you? Lulu, oh, hi honey.
Oh, Lulu...home from school already?
Unfortunately, yes.
Did you have a nice day? Lulu, your mother is speaking to you!
Did you have a nice day?
<Lulu opens soda, shakes it, sprays over Francine's clean kitchen...>
AAAhhhh!
Lulu! I'm trying to clean in here! Oh!
I got my report card today. Want to see it?
Have you done any better this time?
Lulu! You have failed every single subject again!
Oh no, ma! They changed the grading system. "F" is for "Fantastic"!
You little liar! It's a good thing you're not Pinocchio, your nose would be a mile long!
I swear to God on the Bible its true!
Stop that lying!
I got voted president of Student Council today.
Liar mouth!
I'm a cheerleader too!
Liar! Liar!
I'll tell you another thing mother, I quit school today and I'm gonna get me a job
as a go-go girl down at the Flaming Cave Lounge!
You'll work at the Flaming Cave Lounge over my dead body!
Now you go to your room and you stay there until I call you!
HA!
Oh! Ah!
<Lulu stomps upstairs...>
I'll work where I wanna work! You've never worked a day in your life! Fat cow!
I'm not gonna stay in this stinking house!
<Lulu climbs out window, meets up with Bobo...>
Hi Honey!
Hey baby, come here
*SMOOCH*
Come on, let's get out of here...I hate this place!
All right
Oh, you're all beat up!
Ah, it ain't nothin!
<Car peels out...>
<MOTEL White Gables>
Any sign of him, Heintz?
Not yet, Madame.
<Elmer and Sandra pull up to the motel lobby to check-in.>
(laughing) You devil, you.
You wait 'til I get in that room!
Oh, I can't wait, honey.
I'll be right back.
Okay, you hurry up now.
Oh, Heintz, she's straight from the gutter!
A sporting girl, I would imagine.
A 'fille de joie.'
It saddens me that you have to see anything zees common, Madame.
Purr Francine! Purr, purr Francine.
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
<MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE FISHPAW'S, FRANCINE IS WATCHING THE NEWS...>
...in other news, James Wemo, accused of the August 9th bombing of the Maryland Censor Board Office has pleaded "not guilty" in federal court today....and this just in folks...the Baltimore Foot Stomper has struck again. Baltimore County Police report the stomper has attacked a Mrs. Shirley Evans just a few minutes ago at the Crockfield Mall and Channel 12 News was there:
I don't want to be on television! My foot! Not now!
Mrs. Evans was rushed to the Mercy Hospital Shock Trauma Unit for emergency treatment. Many Crockfield Mall shoppers witnessed the attack:
I seen it, man! I seen this weird-looking dude run right out and stomp on this h_onky lady's feet!
Police released this composite sketch today in the hopes that someone would identify the stomper.
<Francine takes a good look...>
If you have any information, police have asked citizens to call the Stomper Hotline.
Just dial "STOMPER" S-T-O-M-P-E-R.
<Francine smells something and starts sniffin' around...>
<Francine takes vacuum attachment and goes outside to find Lulu and Bo-Bo 'huffing' in Bo-Bo's car.>
You'll be ready for the back seat in a minute.
<Francine pulls Bo-Bo's passenger door off as Lulu screams. Francine pulls them both out of the car and starts fighting with Bo-Bo.>
Trash! Don't you touch my daughter!
Take your hands off my boyfriend!
That's my car!
Come on! Come on!
My God!
Hit her, Bo-Bo! Hit her!
<Francine and Bo-Bo wrestle with vacuum attachment. Bo-Bo gives her a half-nelson with it as Lulu laughs.>
That's what you deserve, you big, fat galoot!
It was nice beating you, Ms. Fishpaw!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
<Dexter stumbles home doing poppers, stoned out of his mind...Francine sniffs him out...>
Dexter, are you alright? Dexter, what's wrong? Dexter, talk to me.
<Dexter looks down at Francine's feet...>
Dexter, its your mother. Dexter, what is it? What's wrong, honey?
Mom...Uhhhhh....
Dexter, what are you doing--?
<!!!STOMP!!!>
AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! Dexter, do you want to see a psychiatrist honey?
NO!
But I love you--Dexter...Dexter! Oh...Dexter...oh, honey...honey! Dexter!
<Lulu throws a vase onto the floor...SMASH!!>
Oh!!! Oh!!! You had better watch yourself young lady! You're going to be in real trouble!
Well mother, I guess I should tell you I'm two months pregnant right now!
You're WHAT?!
I'm knocked up and that's that!
Who did this to you?
Bo-bo! The man-I-love!
I'll never allow you to marry him!
Marry him? Are you kidding? I'm getting an abortion and I can't wait!
I cannot take another heartbreak..I just cannot take it! Do you think I'm made of steel, Ms. Lulu?
<RRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGGG>
HELLO?!
He's here, Francine. At first I thought he was walking a dog, then I realized it was his date.
I'll be right there! Oh!
<Elmer and Sandra are havin' a party in a room at the White Gables Motel. Meanwhile, just outside, Francine, followed by Cuddles, sniffs her way down the row of rooms...>
God, Francine! Hasn't he ever heard of the Hilton?
Wait 'til I get my hands on him!
They went down that way, but I don't know which room.
I picked up her scent already. Cheap 'Midnight in Paris' perfume. I can smell it anywhere!
This is it. Hold this. One, two, three...<CRASH!>
What the hell?!
Coitus interruptus?
Get outta here, Francine!
<FLASH!>
Caught you, didn't I? Right in the act of adultery!
<FLASH!>
Well, I won't stand for this, Elmer. I want a divorce! And a big, fat settlement to go along with it!
You'll never get a penny outta me, you fat hunk of cellulite. I only support the women I love.
See these rings? Guess who bought them for me? If you want, you can look at my clothes. They're the finest of polyester and I didn't pay for them.
Don't worry, Francine. I hear every word that this scag says and I'll testify in court.
Come on, Sandra. Get dressed. Let's go to some snazzy cocktail lounge and celebrate my new freedom.
But Elmer, what about Dexter and little Lulu?
Those two little bastards are a perfect argument for birth control.
Children would only get in the way of our EROTIC lifestyle.
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
You piece of trash!
Bye-bye!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You'll hear from my attorney!
Sueeeet!
Oh!! Oh!!
Oh, Francine, don't worry. You'll get another man. Don't worry, everything will be all right.
Take it easy on that sauce! Don't drink too much, Francine!
<Mopey music...Francine drinks, and drinks, and drinks...AHH!!...wakes up with a KILLER HANGOVER...stumbles to kitchen and phone rings...>
RRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG
Hello?
HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! SNORT SNORT SNORT SNORT...
Elmer!
<Francine takes a swig of PEPSI (tm) and Bonkers growls at her...GRRRRRRR!!!! Francine then starts sniffin' around and the doorbell rings....DING DONG!!>
Hi, Ms. Fishpaw. This'll be $14.88.
I didn't order anything!
But this is 538 Wyman Way, isn't it?
I didn't order anything. It's just my husband harassing me. Please leave me alone! <SLAM!>
Wait a minute! Come on, lady, open up! It's getting cold. <KNOCK! KNOCK!>
Yo, pizza! <RING, RING, RING!>
No, no, no! <sob, sob, gulp, gulp.>
<RING!>
No!
<BRIIINNGG!>
Hello?
Ooooh, ooooh, aaaahhhh!
Leave me alone!
Ooooooh, oooooh, aaahhhhh, oooooh!
Having a little wake-up cocktail?!
You're father has been tormenting me all morning!
That's no excuse, you big drunk!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
What do you think you're doing?
I need money for a cab! Have you forgotten today's the day for my abortion?
Lulu, there's a living thing inside of you. Oh, Lulu, have the baby. We'll raise it together. We'll get a little bassinet and some Pampers. Oh, Lulu, that baby is part of you!
It's stealing part of me, you mean! I can feel it like cancer getting bigger and bigger, like the blob. One day, it'll rip me open! And it'll be there in my life ready to rob me of every bit of fun I deserve to have!
<Dramatic music>
Lulu! Lulu! Lulu...!
<Francine starts a'sniffin' around once more...SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF...sniffs out a bottle of booze in the closet and takes a swig...drops bottle...>
Nooooooo!!!!
<LaRue barges into house while the door smacks Francine on her @ss...>
Look at yourself!
Please...!!
You better get yourself to an alcoholics meeting before you end up in the poorhouse!
What's in the bottle, mother?
Your beloved booze, Francine! Want a little scent?
Please..please don't do it to be, mother! I need a drink...!
Want some??
Oh..oh...oh! <GULP...then...SPIT!!>
You see what an alcoholic you are?! You'd even drink gasoline if it was in a bottle! You stink like an alcoholic! Positively disgusting!
<Francine sobs while LaRue storms out slamming door after her...SLAM!!>
<Elmer gives a neighborhood public service announcement over his loudspeaker:>
Francine Fishpaw lives at 538 Wyman Way. She weighs 300 pounds and is an alcoholic. Hahahahaha!
No!
She eats an entire cake at one sitting. You should see her stretch marks. Hahahahaha! Because of her drunkeness, BOTH her children are delinquents. Hahahahahaha!
No! No!
She's the hairiest woman I've ever laid eyes on. Hahahahahahaha!
<DING! DONG!>
What's the matter, ma petite?
Speak English, Cuddles. Please speak English.
You want a little drinkey, Franciney?
Oh, God. Help me up. Please!
You're so cute when you get tipsy.
Oh, Cuddles, I am an alcoholic!
You should get out more then, honey, and forget your silly-nilly problems.
You got to get me to the alcoholic's meeting.
I'll take you to your club meeting, Francine. But first you're going shopping with me. I simply cannot stand another day undecided about my debutante gown.
I've gotta get to the alcoholic meet-
<Francine collapses>
Heintz! Heintz! Hurry, Heintz! Hurry!
<BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!>
Hurry! Come on! Come on, Heintz!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
Oh, Francine! Hurry...!
At your service, Madame.
Mrs. Fishpaw and I have decided to view the new Paris creations, Heintz. I would like it if you would help me get her into a more presentable outfit.
Yes, Madame.
Come on Francine, we're going shopping.
Mrs. Fishpaw, come on, let's go. This way, Mrs. Fishpaw. Upstairs. Let's go upstairs, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Upstairs?
This way...yes ma'am.
<On the way to the hospital, they pass a man who gives Francine the eye while he "adjusts" himself...Francine can't take her eyes off the mysterious stranger who stares back at her....she looks just as good going as she does a'comin'.............>
<Francine and Cuddles are in an elegant clothing boutique. Francine looks queasy.>
<BURP!>
Look at this dress, Francine. Isn't it ra-sha-sha?
It's very pretty, Cuddles.
Oh. OH! Oh, a Halston! How au courant! I'm going to try this one on, too, and I'll be right back! Oh, this place is glamorous!
Oh, hurry. I don't wanna be late for my meeting.
<Cuddles is in the dressing room pulling on a dress and...>
<RIP!>
God! Damn these designers!
<Meanwhile, Francine starts to puke into her handbag as the sales lady looks on in complete mortification.>
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
<Meanwhile, Betty Schaefer from Sunset Blvd. is shopping for groceries unaware she is being followed by Dexter who is stoned out of his mind. She eyes him suspiciously as she continues shopping. Dexter checks out her banging feet...Betty is wondering WTF is wrong with this dude?>
<Back at the clothing store...>
Madam, you will simply have to leave this store immediately or I will be forced to call the security guards!
You're really gauche, madam! A regular little cochon, and that means "pig"!
Oh!
Come on, Francine. I see we should have gone straight to Peck and Peck after all!
<Back at the grocery store, Dexter can take it no longer...he leaps from behind some shelves, then...>
<!!!STOMP!!!>
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
<Dexter laughs like a madman...2 men rush to Betty's aid and subdue Dexter...>
Call the police! Call the police!
<Meanwhile, at a local AA meeting...>
Fellow members, we have someone new with us tonight. Her name is Francine Fishpaw and she an alcoholic.
Francine, come up here and witness for us.
Step up there now! Come on! Come on! Get up there! Hurry up! etc.
I-I-I really don't know what to say.
SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!
Well, m-my name is Francine Fishpaw...
AND? AND? AND?
AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!
<APPLAUSE>
<Meanwhile at the local Abortion Clinic, Lulu sits in the waiting room, reading "Farrah's World.">
Miss Mallon, we're all ready for you.
Thank you.
Now, don't be afraid. This'll all be over before you know it.
<sobbing> I guess I made the right decision...
Don't have this abortion!
How does it feel to be a murderer?!
Killer! Murderer!
Babies wanna live, too, you know!
Suppose Einstein's mother had an abortion?!
Noooo!
Or John F. Kennedy's, huh?!
Nooo-o!
What if Mary and Joseph had an abortion?! What then?!
PRO LIFE! PRO LIFE! PRO LIFE!
<SLAP!> That's from Jesus! That's what He would do, you murderer!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
<Meanwhile, back at the Fishpaw's...>
Thank you, Heintz.
<Francine finds Lulu about to take a hammer onto her stomach...>
Oh! Ah! Ohh!!
You're going to hurt yourself!
Stop spying on me! Leave me alone!
<Lulu starts to ram her stomach into the couch...>
Lulu, stop it! Yes, I need the number of the Home of the Shepherds Flock. Lulu, stop it! Thank you...
Lulu, stop!
Home of the Shepherd's Flock.
Yes, this is Francine Fishpaw of 538 Wyman Way. I need an unwed mother's home. My daughter is pregnant and trying to induce a miscarriage!
We'll be right there!
Oh!! No!
<The nuns screech up to the Fishpaw's and race towards Francine's house...>
Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee...blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus--
She's in the living room! Thank God you're here! It's all right Lulu! It'll be OK!
<The nuns drag out Lulu and stuff her into the truck of their car...>
Get in there!
You can't do this!
<A stormy night at the "Home of the Shepherd's Flock">
Girls! Instead of Rosary tonight, we have a special treat planned for you.. We're all going on a hayride.
A hayride?!
<clap, clap, clap, clap, clap!!>
Bring proper clothing and proceed to the wagons IMMEDIATELY!!
GO! <whistle!>
<The girls all climb into a hay-filled wagon in the pouring rain. They start to move...>
Oh, God, it hurts! It hurts! Somebody help me!
Stop this faking! Prostitutes and devils' witches lose their babies. PRAY with us, girls!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
<Meanwhile, back at the Fishpaw's, Francine is having a HOT dream...a HOT pizza delivery man has come in through the kitchen window, he strips to his jock strap showing his HOT @ss and begins to RAVAGE Francine...she is SO turned on she pleasure herself in ways Elmer could NEVER do...she fantasizes about TODD TOMORROW and MOANS WITH PLEASURE...........>
<The next day, the cops pay the Fishpaw residence a visit...uh-oh!>
DING DONG
Open up, Mrs. Fishpaw! We have a search warrant!
DING DONG...DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG
Knock it down! Let's go!
Check everywhere! I know the evidence is around! There's gotta be some kind of shoes here!
This whole family is sick, man. Rip it off, let's take a look.
RRRIIPPPPP
OH!
Mrs. Fishpaw, I have a search warrant signed by Judge Solomon Wise to search this entire house!
For what?
Your son's been arrested for being the Baltimore Foot Stomper.
Dexter?!
Come on Jack, let's search the house.
Looky here!
Look at this.
It's sick. Sick!
Can you believe this? He is the foot stomper!
We got it.
I knew it.
This stuff'll hold up.
Take it downtown.
<Meanwhile, outside Heintz and Cuddles drive up in her limo. Reporters swarm around as Heintz opens the door of the limo for Cuddles...>
What is your name, sir?
Are you related to Dexter Fishpaw?
Are you a member of the Fishpaw family?
<Cuddles poses demurely for photos in her tennis whites.>
What's your name?
Are you aware Dexter's been arrested?
<Meanwhile, Francine is in the kitchen attempting to hang herself from the fridge...>
Anybody home?
Oh, God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?
Come on. We're going on a picnic. Come on. Come on! Come on, Francine.
<Fire trucks come roaring up the street, sirens blasting...>
Oh, Cuddles, Elmer sent the fire trucks!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
Bravo! Bravo! Good work! All right! Nice going! Nice going! Bravo! Bravo! There she is!
<Crowd hounds Francine and Cuddles as they make their way to the car...>
You terrible person!
Gosh Francine! Maybe we'll get on TV tonight!
Oh...no!!
Want some hooch, Francine?
Oh, thank you, Cuddles.
God, Francine! You're the most drinking-est gal I've ever seen!
Oh...oh Cuddles, maybe I should get out of Baltimore!
<TODD TOMORROW pulls up next to Francine, gives her THE LOOK and does something creepy with his tongue in his cheek. Francine seems smitten with this HOT piece of @ss. TODD winks at Francine and drives off...>
<...Cuddles and Francine arrive at a field by a forest for a picnic...>
God, Francine, There must be a God. Everything is so beautiful!
Aw, you gotta have some faith, Francine. Everything will be all right.
Oh, this is nice. Come on. Here, help me with the tablecloth, will you Francine?
Okay.
Come on. Let's sit down. Look, Francine: Tab for our diet. Ain't that great? Look, cups...and, ooooh, sandwiches! Wow!
Francine, happiness is a picnic in the woods.
Oh! <SOB! SOB!>
God, look around you, Francine. Look at the nature. Look, Francine, it's beautiful.
<Ants suddenly appear en masse all over their food and clothes.>
Oh!
Oh, Francine! I got ants in my pants!
<SNIFF, SNIFF - scratch and sniff #6 - as a skunk shows up>
I smell something. I smell something.
A skunk, Francine!
A skunk!
A SKUNK!! Oh, my God!
Call the manager! Call the President! Call the FIRE DEPT!share
MEANWHILE...BACK AT THE FISHPAWS...LaRUE IS UP TO NO GOOD...
[Reading Francine and Elmer's divorce papers]
Well, itsn't that something?!
[Phones up Tod]
The divorce has finally come through!! Two thousand a month and the house!!
Time for us to move in on that pot of gold!
DING DONG...DING DONG
Someone's at the door, I'll call you when I get home.
LaRUE OPENS THE DOOR AND SEES TWO TRICK OR TREATERS...
Trick or treat!!
I'm sorry, but I don't live here and no one else is at home.
What...no candy?
I'm sorry, but I forgot it was Halloween.
You know what no candy means, don't you?
Halloween just slipped my mind this year!
That means...trick!
TRICK OR TREATERS BARGE INSIDE AND RANSACK THE LIVING ROOM!!
Stop it! Leave that alone!
Lady, when we say, "Trick or treat," we mean it!!
TRICK OR TREATERS REMOVE THEIR MASKS AND THEY ARE REVEALED TO BE...
Kill her.
Next time,
you won't be so selfish...
and ignore little children
on holidays!
Maybe we have an apple
or something.
Too late now, Grandma.
No candy means death!
<BANG!>
AAAAH!!
Let's destroy this place!
<LaRue shoots Bobo!>
See you later!
<Bobo kicks the bucket>
(LuLu walks in the house, having escaped the unwed mothers home, only to find BoBo dead on the floor)
Bo-Bo Boo-o-o-o Bo!
(Francine is dropped off at home after the picnic)
(Cuddles calls out from the back seat of the limo):
Good night Francine
Sleep tight
Don't let the bedbugs bite
Don't forget to wash your clothes
(Chuckles to herself)
(Francine walks in the house and sees the dead BoBo and her mother lying on the floor. La Rue points to Francine accusingly):
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked.
Not Bambi, Benji!!!
--
"What goes on out there, is a disgrace": http://deathwishcreeps.com