MovieChat Forums > Mommie Dearest (1981) Discussion > 'Eyebrow Royalty...'

'Eyebrow Royalty...'

posted 9 years ago by cookiela2001
63 replies | jump to latest

At the risk of self-congratulation, I must say this was my personal favorite of all my posts. And yet, imdb erases old, neglected threads after a while : (

YET THEY CANNOT ERASE IT FROM MY HARD DRIVE!

Winning!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mayer: Joan, my Joan. You're in a position to do me a favor that will be as big a favor for you as it is for me.

Joan: You don't have to ask! You only have to tell me.

Mayer: Good. I want you to leave Metro.

Joan: Leave Metro? Leave Metro??

Mayer: Your eyebrows one after another are losing money. Theater owners voted them "Box Office Poison". Still, for years I've paid no attention. You know me, Joan. I don't give up so easily.

Joan: It's the makeup, L.B. Bad pencils, bad tweezers - -

Mayer: Bad with you, good with others.

Joan: No, listen to me L.B. I have been BEGGING YOU... begging you for a good eyebrow pencil . Now you've always given me my share of bad pencils because you knew I'd make them work. Well, I can't keep doing it, L.B.!

Mayer: Listen with your ears and not with your eyebrows. With me, feeling is more important than eyebrows. You're a great star! You're eyebrow royalty! But styles change. They'll leave. We had 'creative differences'. Other studios will think they're smarter than L.B., they'll try to finesse me. You'll be offered two, three, four new sets of eyebrows. You may even get a waxing!

Joan: Will you be sorry then?

Mayer: I'm sorry now. But here there's no feeling, no hope. New faces, new eyebrows, breath of fresh air. Who knows? Don't do this to yourself.

Joan: I'll have my maid and studio people clear out my eyebrows. I've got a lot of pairs to collect.

Mayer: It's done, Joan. They've packed your eyebrows, they're loading your car.

Joan: You mean everybody already knows?

Louis B. Mayer: That we parted friends because we didn't agree on eyebrows.
.
Joan: Will you walk us to my car?

[Mayer doesn't answer]

Joan Crawford: "Eyebrow Royalty".

[walks out alone]

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Why can't YOU ALL give my post the RESPECT that it's ENTITLED TO ? ! ? !

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[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

This is WONDERFUL!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Board Member: The condolences of every person at Maybelline are with you. Al Steele helped make this company and you were by his side, sharing the eyebrow pencils and the tweezers. And we want to give you ample time to repay your eyebrows, plenty of time. We'll have to take the No. 2 Cow Patty Brown. You wouldn't want to use that eyebrow pencil, anyway.

Joan: What eyebrow pencil? I've got tweezers.

Board Member: Your husband had to borrow to pay for the construction of your eyebrows. We loaned him considerable eyebrow pencils to meet requirements his makeup didn't cover.

Joan: You think you're very clever, don't you? Trying to sweep my poor little eyebrows under the carpet. Well, think again! I'm on the board of eyebrows of this lousy company.

Board Member: We assumed that you would no longer want to be on the board...

Joan: Al and I helped build Maybelline to what it is today. I intend to stay with it!

Board Member: We appreciate your devotion and eyebrows, Miss Crawford. But we have retired you from the board of eyebrows.

Joan: You drove Al to his grave and now you're trying to stab me in the eyebrows? Forget it! I fought worse makeup artists than you in Hollywood. I can win with eyebrows!

Board Member: We don't want any hard eyebrows...

Joan: You don't know what hard eyebrows are...until I come out publicly against your product. You'll see how much you tweeze!

Board Member: It's hardly necessary to make threats you surely don't mean.

Joan: Don't fock with my eyebrows! This ain't my first time at the beauty salon. You forget the press I delivered to Maybelline was my eyebrows. I can use them anyway I want. They're swords, they cut both ways.

Board Member: The board has failed to realize the extent of your interest in your eyebrows. We...misjudged. We shall be pleased to have you stay on.

Joan: Thank you, gentlemen. Now, let's get to work.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Joan: You drove Al to his grave and now you're trying to stab me in the eyebrows?

!!!!!!

hahahahaha

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

"My eyebrows! Someone stole BOTH my eyebrows!"

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

That's good, darling. They were thoughtless, selfish, spoiled eyebrows. Now they won't wake you up when you need your rest. *Mindlessly drenches elbows with a copious amount of lotion and stares off into space.*

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

If she doesn't like you, she can make your eyebrows disappear.

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[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Dear God, I hope that isn't what the ax was for.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Then I'm not going to play with your eyebrows anymore, EVER!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

I'm sorry I did that. I'd have rather cut off my eyebrow.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Carol Ann! I've asked you to keep the children QUIET today! And for Christ's sake, get them OUT of my eyebrows!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Why don't you put that BITCH of an eyebrow where an eyebrow ought to BE?

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Well, that's good, but you've got to push off more with your eyebrows. Come on, let's see another one!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Eyebrows are bigger and stronger than you... and eyebrows will ALWAYS beat you!

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Ah, but nobody ever said that eyebrows were fair, Tina.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Ma changed eyebrows faster than she changed bedsheets.

.

[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Ya have ta MOVE the potted palm before ya CLEAN the eyebrows!

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

I had seven eyebrows with Groucho. I lost 'em all.

[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Please, eyebrows... eyebrows, please!

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Oh, "Pally." That's what he calls you when he can't remember your eyebrows.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Times are tough. Still, I treat you to a lovely evening. And I get smart-aleck eyebrows!

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[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Eyebrows. The first word I ever heard out of any of you was that word, "eyebrows." There'll be time enough for eyebrows when I'm old, if I ever am old. Oh, but not now.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Why can't you give me the EYEBROWS THAT I'M ENTITLED TO??? Why can't you pluck me like I'd be plucked by any AVON LADY on the STREET???

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[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

My COMPLIMENTS to your eyebrows and their IMPECCABLE reputation!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

I think you're OVERPLUCKING, Miss Crawford.

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

And I think you're UNDERPLUCKING, Mrs. Chadwick!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

If you're plucking, you're wasting your time. If you're not, you're wasting mine.

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[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

I may as well have "property of MGM" tattooed on my eyebrows! Dammit, Perino's is MY PLACE!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

The candidate is found to be an unsuitable eyebrow.

.

[–] thenakedeye 9 years ago

I took the best eyebrows I could find. So you could eat and have a place to sleep and some clothes on your back.

[–] kindheart02 8 years ago

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[–] washcloud 9 years ago

...Okay - allow me to wrap this thread up :

NO - WIRE - EYEBROWS.

Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past

[–] !!!deleted!!! (61689113) 9 years ago

Jesus Christ!

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Okay - allow me to wrap this thread up

You expect me to ignore my eyebrows?? They're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really MADE ME!

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

NO...WIRE...EYEBROWS! What're wire eyebrows doing on this forehead when I told you: NO WIRE EYEBROWS, EVER?! I pluck and I pluck till I'm half-smooth and I hear people saying, "She's getting hairy." And what do I get? A daughter...who cares as much about the well-defined eyebrows I give her...AS SHE CARES ABOUT ME! What're wire eyebrows doing on THIS FOREHEAD?! ANSWER ME! I buy you professional pencils and you treat them like they were some crayon. You do! Three hundred dollar pencil on a wire eyebrow. We'll pluck how many you've got, if they're hidden somewhere. We'll pluck...we'll pluck. GET OUT OF THAT MAKEUP KIT! All of this is getting plucked! Pluck. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck. You've got anymore? We're gonna see how many wire eyebrows you've got on your forehead. Wire eyebrows? Why? WHY?! Christina, get out of that makeup kit. Get out of that makeup kit. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care if your forehead is stretched out from wire eyebrows. And your eyebrows look like some two-dollar-a-week pity job by some two-bit back street hooker in Oklahoma! Get up. Get up. PLUCK UP THIS MESS!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

(silence as Mommie is heaving)

(beat)

(Christopher appears)

GO BACK! STRAP YOURSELF IN!

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

She'll pluck me if she found out!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

I fix all my uncles' eyebrows this way...

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Obviously you don't understand. What you're really doing is denying one of your eyebrows the opportunity to live a wonderful and advantaged life! How sad that is. Good afternoon.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Tina, eyebrows can be...taken the wrong way. Understand?

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[–] 9 years ago

[deleted]

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Oh, take your shoes off. I just washed that eyebrow.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] deem_bastille 9 years ago

what about... the eyebrow pencil?

I can handle the pencil.

Reading the paper can really be depressing. Mr. Dithers fired Dagwood again.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

God, call me Barbara. They're teaching you some fancy eyebrows at Chadwick!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

I know that she wants to have an affair with Robert. But, are you sure his electrolysis is final?

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Look at this eyebrow! Do you call that clean? Do you?

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] thenakedeye 9 years ago

You've never spoken of your tweezers, where you came from... So perhaps it's natural maybe that's why the eyebrows left!

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world. You, all of you, here and everywhere, gave me these eyebrows tonight. And I accept them from you and only you. I love all of you. Now please forgive me. Good night.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

You guys in Hollywood. All you think about is blusher, foundation, eye liner. Why don't you try to understand an eyebrow?

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Probation. This is appalling! I have devoted myself to making Christina a proper young lady. That eyebrow should be EXPELLED!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

We are leaving. Obviously, her eyebrows cannot be controlled in this environment.

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Oh...good! I want some help here! I want ALL of these eyebrows cleared out of here now. Carol Ann, Christopher, start clearing away all these eyebrows, start gathering them up. Go on...get the pencils and the tweezers! Tina! Bring me the wax!

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Miss Crawford, I've always been such a fan of your mother's eyebrows. I do hope you feel we've done them justice. Actually...I worked from my own personally autographed photo of your mother.

.

[–] alec_senna 9 years ago

Christina, you haven't touched your eyebrows.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

It's got all this red juice, when I push on them...

[–] deem_bastille 9 years ago

LEFT EYEBROW! RIGHT EYEBROW! DAMN IT!!!!!

carol anne, I have ASKED you to keep the eyebrows quiet today! now for Christ's sake get them out of the garden! have tina bring me up my eyebrows!

Eyebrows...
The first word I ever heard..
...out of any of
you was that word...
...'eyebrows'...
There'll be time enough to pluck my eyebrows
when I'm old,
if I ever am old.
Oh, but not now.

Reading the paper can really be depressing. Mr. Dithers fired Dagwood again.

[–] cookiela2001 9 years ago

Ya know, hard eyebrows is good for people, I tell ya, it is. Would I be where I am if I hadn't had 'em? I could teach a kid to look after his eyebrows and amount to somethin'...I could!

.

[–] mistymj 8 years ago

Most hilarious eyebrow filled post ever!! I may have peed a little!

[–] thenakedeye 8 years ago

Reporter: All of Hollywood knows of your generosity in adopting these two homeless eyebrows, and might I say they are beautifully behaved.

Joan: Thank you! I feel that eyebrows mixed with Vaseline, is such a good recipe...

[–] NBates1 8 years ago

Carol Anne! I have asked you to keep the eyebrows pencilled today, and for Christ's sake get them AWAY from that shaver!!!

"We all go a little mad sometimes..." - Norman Bates

[–] 8 years ago

[deleted]

[–] thenakedeye 8 years ago

Should I send out for more perma-bond?

Oh no, Miss Crawford. The studio sent over a new batch. We've got plenty.

You're all so gracious to help, and this double strength epoxy is doing a wonderful job!

[–] j13106 7 years ago

Clever, entertaining thread. Thanks, folks. 😄