The Definition of Happy


From the character of Beth, played by Mary Tyler Moore (during the golf course scene):

"Happy? Ward, you tell me the definition of happy, huh? But first you better make sure your kids are good and safe. That no one's fallen off a horse, or been hit by a car, or drowned in that swimming pool you're so proud of. And then you come to me and tell me how to be happy."


video clip: https://streamable.com/of4e

This is the line from the movie that stuck with me the most, but I don't really know what it means. Beth is an interesting character--highly flawed, but not evil. Is she blowing off steam about how no one understands her anxieties? She gets criticized for not attempting to see things from other people's point of view (specifically Conrad's), but here she seems to be arguing that no one else is doing the same for her. We can't truly understand another person's anguish, no matter how hard we try to. We're all on our own, we have to help ourselves.

I just made all that up in 60 seconds.^^ The next time I analyze it, I'll probably come up with a different result. But I want to hear what other people think about Beth's Definition of Happy. What does she mean?

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I have never lost a child, but I have heard people say that while you may learn to go on, you are never truly happy again. I think that is what Beth is trying to convey.

You must be the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi

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I think the definition is pretty obvious. What she is saying is that she is sad because she has lost a child and almost lost another one to suicide. Her brother Ward is happy because he has never experienced any of that. So until he walks a mile in her shoes, so to speak, he will never understand what she's been through.

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It was also the first time Beth appeared to admit, publically, that she wasn't OK and that Ward's empty gesture of her wanting to be "happy" was just that. Besides, being "happy" is so subjective that it seemed almost Ludacris after the damage of Buck's death and Conrad's near-suicide caused them. She didn't lash out or get angry until Calvin mentioned Connie coming with them next time (or similar) because she was so steeped in this Golf and BBQ wonderland that she could bury herself in. Once the façade was out, she dug into Ward with that scary (but eerily true) warning about his own son drowning - and if he could every really be "happy" after that.

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My parents lost a child beforw I was born, it is a terrible loss. For my parents what kept them together and helped them move on was the fact they already had a child, my older brother, and they turned to him, and kept themselves together because of him. It never fully heals it's true, I have talked about this with them many times, but for them having another child, spending time with him and devoting themselves to him was a source of happiness and healing. My birth was a bit more difficult as it brought out their fears of losing another child, but you know, a cute little baby can change your mind on that, and my brother adored me when I was born.

As for Beth, her brother's offer may have been empty or maybe he would have done everything he can to help her, Calvin also consistantly offers his help and wants to ne there for her, the only reason she is "on her own in this" is because she refuses to accept help, or open up.
With her rant about happiness she stops the conversation dead. She decides and in that way communicates that they have no right to speak or be a part of the conversation, allowing her not to deal with her feelings or actually opening up to someone. I personally wouldn't back off there but from what I've come to see people usually get scared and weird around mothers that lost a child, especially if they are parents themselves.

P.s. In one of my psychology classes we went to a clinic and talked to a mother that had recently lost her daughter, most of the students froze and half of them were crying along with her. Taking everything she said at face value (like saying her son isn't important because he isn't aware of what's going on, but the son is 9 years old) and mostly incapable of questioning some of her perspectives or even noticing aditional problems in the family.

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This is the line from the movie that stuck with me the most, but I don't really know what it means.
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Beth had every right to feel the way she did over her anguish\grief over the loss of Buck; but was she was really grieved over the suicide attempt of Conrad? She was part of the reason. The main problem with Beth, was the way she "dealt" with what she was feeling. She appeared incapable of expressing herself in a genuine, open, honest and loving manner. This would be due to her narcissistic personality. As long as all was right and hunky dory in her controlled and image conscious world, then her own sense of what she would have "perceived" as happiness—this could be put down to material things—would have been intact.

What I see Beth was expressing with her outburst here, was that she was only lashing out and projecting about something she didn't have anymore. She still couldn't acknowledge it within and it became about someone else. Any happiness she felt before or after was irrelevant, as I feel it would have only been a sort of phony "contentment" she had before Buck's death. How come she couldn't be happy that her other surviving son hadn't fallen of a horse, or been hit by a car, or drowned in a swimming pool...etc, etc? Surely when one's son dies and another attempts to commit suicide because he blamed himself, then some serious family emotional issues need to be addressed, which she appeared incapable of doing. She was only pretending and lying to herself. This is what Calvin was attempting to get across, that she didn't really care, especially about Conrad.

Exorcist: Christ's power compels you. Cast out, unclean spirit.
Destinata:💩

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This line of the movie seems like one of the rare occasions when Beth was being genuine and heartfelt. Most of the time she is very superficial and maybe even a little bit phony.

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I think what she spurted was more like a 'real' feeling for herself, or some sort of acknowledgment finally at what was really going on. I can't recall the exact scene verbatim or how it played out; but wasn't it also born out of Calvin's mention of Conrad? If it was heartfelt Mr H, I see it only being heartfelt in the sense of Beth's own personal self-centeredness or self-absorption. If this was a rare occasion for Beth to give out some sort "real" feeling, then it was also a rare occasion for Calvin to see that his wife was only being "genuine" on behalf of herself.

Exorcist: Christ's power compels you. Cast out, unclean spirit.
Destinata:💩

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You have to remember that Calvin's preceding line to Beth was, "He [Conrad] just wants to know that you don't hate him." Beth responds very defensively stating what she perceives as a truism, "Mothers don't hate their children." I think her brother was genuinely trying to support her. I don't think it was an "empty" gesture. He had the misfortune of choosing the wrong word "happy." Beth jumped all over that because she was feeling defensive again.

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