Hawk Rules!!!
I remember seeing this in the theatres when I was a kid and
it still makes me smile thinking of it.
BUT...
This movie was so bad it gave me cancer!!!!
Let's break it down...
1. The Elf. We see him buy a dozen or so arrow tips in the beginning
of the movie then pop off like a thousand arrows in a fraction of
a few seconds!!!! Ow! Ow! Cramp!!!
2. The Cockney Guy. I loved that automatic crossbow. They shot those
teenie-weenie little arrows that dropped a guy like a bolt of lightning!
How the hell did that bowstring keep going back to take another arrow??
3. The "Giant". I use that term loosely because they didn't even bother
using special effects to make him tall. They just got a guy over 6ft
and put him in front of the women and that short guy.
4. Hawk. OMG, where should I even begin? The fact that he had the power
to line up his enemies nice and neat and have them conveniently raise
their sword just in time for him to open their bellies (with no blood,
of course!) Or his little cross with the teenie-weenie knife inside
to drop that guy later on. Or his magic sword that had no real magic
powers? Crikey!!!
5. The witch. Aside from her ripping off the swirly ring-deal from Superman I
to teleport Hawk here and there. She goes to this skanky pig healer to
this broad with uber-powers. And I have to admit, she cleaned up nicely
at the end..
6. Vultan. Oh poor, poor Jack Palance. Well, his summer house in Bermuda
wasn't going to pay for itself!! And nothing like unbearable pain right
in the eye from a demon to make your burns feel better...???
7. The Slave guy. The fat guy they stole the money from? They put this
hammer thing like two feet above his head and he manages to brain himself
with it. It should have ripped his jaw out if it was really that heavy...
8. The Nuns. I think more than one gave up their virtue to Hawk and his
friends. So much to being married to Jesus...
Let's face it, this movie was bad, bad, bad. But I loved EVERY minute of it
as a kid, and to me that is what movies are all about...