Things I learned from 'The Competition'

1. We've all seen the dress.

2. We are not going to hear Gretta's story.

3. The Russian kid's got baby brown's and they dress her up two years younger than she actually is.

4. If you're a world-renowned conductor, you can have people over to get high and listen to weird music.

5. Teardrops on boobs is a Country standard.

6. The cello tickles Heidi's nose.

7. The maestro's a %$#@

8. The gold medal can make your boobs a lovely shade of puce

9. Heidi is waiting for the new spring collections of periods to come out.

10. Jerry DiSalvo is scared out of his tiny mind.

1. Mark Landau/Adam Stern carries piano-tuning equipment around with him at all times.

2. Medieval folk festivals in San Francisco are places you should look for scorned lovers.

3. Paul & Heidi are terrible dancers.

4. Jerry DiSalvo looks like a younger/thinner version of Richard Kind (from Spin City).

5. Downward sloping streets of San Francisco are terrible places for learning how to drive.

6. "Opening your hands" should have a soothing effect on aggressive french sailors.

7. The way Heidi plays the Volshteyn makes people forget about their sciatica.

If your five months away from the age cutoff date, be sure to play Beethoven's The Emperor but tell Jerry you plan to play the Saint-Saens.

Paul can park his car anywhere he wants to on Fisherman's Warf.

Heidi is out of the mood to play the Mozart but...

Andrew is not in the mood to conduct the Prokofiev 3rd.

Paul does not claim to be a conductor, but he has conducted! However he doesn't like using a baton.

Andrew doesn't understand the "rhythmic precision" Beethoven is setting us up for in the 3rd Movement of the rondo in The Emperor Concerto -- even though virtually every conductor conducts it this way!

It appears that if you to be a finalist at the Arabella Hillman piano competition, you don't have to play the entire concerto, you can just play select highlights.

The Prokofiev 3rd requires an entirely different set of orchestrations -- including castanets --- but clearly everyone you need to play it is downstairs smoking, waiting to play the Saint-Saens.

"Poor Jerry" has a fantastic body and some idea of how to use it.

You have to marry the piano the way a nun marries Jesus!

Heidi likes to wear Jordan Marsh mix and match.

Heidi had a thing for Marshall Goldman, who turned out to be gay, no big surpise.

Jerry DiSalvo plays piano better than Liberace.