Riekiebol's 'Happy Birthday Claire!' Yes Minister thread

Yay! Thou art back! Can't wait to read your stuff...but I think I might already have mentioned that at some point... Anyway, meanwhile I've had the chance to put some of my writing skills *ahem* in practice by writing two scenes for our uni's Christmas Pantomime called Robin Hood and the Singing Nuns... *ahem* It's a really weird play, but it was fun to write and it's got lots of references to different British comedies in it, especially Blackadder...I even put some Yes Minister in (I couldn't resist). And I'm going to play two little parts in it myself...

Check the Panto poster here...
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y36/Riekiebol/colourposter.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~

Het is echt waar, ik heb het in m'n dromen zelf gezien.

Yes, please, please pleeeeeease! I want to read your overview of the stories. And can't wait to hear about Humphrey. He's my favourite and I was kind of disappointed with Jonathan Lynn's explanation.

Nag nag nag. No, just joking, I hate workloads. Especially as I now have to teach myself my entire chemistry book as I don't understand a single thing my teacher's saying. *cough* But I would love an overview of your stories - you do know that Humphrey's supposed to have kids, right? But if you want to change that, fine, as long as it doesn't turn into a soap opera. There's just a few things I'd like to say about you're stories - firstly, they're good. It was quite brave to put one up when there weren't any others for Yes Minister, and Bernard and Hen's relationship is absolutely adorable. I often check for updates (no, I'm not trying to nag you), and I'm glad that riekiebol started writing too, as they're both really good in their own ways. That having been said, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism, if you wouldn't mind.
I don't want to be mean or rude or anything, but I couldn't help noticing a few typos here and there. I know it's difficult 'cos it's so easy to type the wrong key and not notice, but if you want you could e-mail the chapters to me and I could check them over. For example, in one of your chapters you said 'She sensed that that everything was right between Humphrey and his wife', which I don't suppose you meant to say. Don't worry, there's only a few and they aren't at all bad, but sometimes they can take your attention away from the story. If you don't want me to beta - read, then don't worry, it's just a suggestion as you don't seem to have much time and you prefer to write things out by hand. But if you do want to, I'd be glad to help. My e-mail's [email protected].
Secondly, Hen is a pretty cool character. Like riekiebol said, sometimes I step away from the fic and remind myself that Hen isn't actually a character in the series. However, sometimes I feel as if she is coming close to being a Mary - Sue. You actually handled her character quite well compared to some of the fics I've seen - she doesn't immediately prove herself to be better than Humphrey, or have super powers, or some sort of sixth sense, and I could see her and Bernard's relationship growing throughout the chapter instead of them magically falling in love and snogging in the first chapter. But maybe you could tone down her beauty a little bit - I liked your latest chapter, but their reaction to her nightdress was a little Mary Sueish. There's nothing wrong with her being attractive, of course, but her being moderately attractive is fine. I like the fact that she's Humphrey's godaughter - it gives him a real reason to dislike the relationship, but maybe Hen has a little too much control over Humphrey. I know you explained this to me in one of the reviews, but Humphrey has been in the civil service all his life. He's an expert at throwing up smoke screens and arguing trivial points until everyone's forgotten the original point. He wouldn't have got so far so quickly if he'd proved he couldn't do these things. However I really like the way you showed that he has a tender side and dislays this towards Hen, and that could account for him not trying to confuse her or dismiss her opinions out of hand.
I know that Hen is a strong woman who won't just give in to anyone. The balance is really difficult to get - a female character who is strong enough to be interesting but not so fiery and strong willed that it becomes cliched. But anyway, I don't think that he would ask her whether or not he could sack Bernard, nor say it so openly. But then again, you've chosen to write about a fandom which has very complex characters, and it's difficult to get that across in quite a short space of time. But I think you have a good idea of what the characters are like and you show it through speech very well - just having Bernard say 'gosh' seemed so in character and it's small details like these that make you appreciate the writing even more. Bernard's still extremely endearing and lovely, Jim's oblivious but not too weak willed and Humphrey's critical and cynical whilst showing that he has a more tender side, which is cute.
Please don't take this too hard - I love reading your stories, and I think you've created some wonderful relationships between canon and original characters - Alex's personality was so different to what I was expecting, yet it seems to fit, and Hen should be stuck in the episodes. I understand that you're doing this for fun and that you're not taking it deadly seriously, which is fine. All I'm trying to do is give you a little feedback which may improve your writing, that's all. But let me say again that your fics are damn good and I really enjoy reading them, and I know I'll enjoy seeing the writing improve and the characters grow as you go on. Good luck and I hope your workload eases off soon!