There are very many to choose from, but I reckon it's:
HACKER: "You mean to seriously tell me that winking at corruption is government policy?"
SIR HUMPHREY: "No, no Minister! It could never be government policy, that is unthinkable! Only government practice."
Incidentally, for my money, the best from Yes Prime Minister is where Humphrey has been cleared of being a Soviet spy, and Hacker addresses him:
HACKER: "Ah! Goofey... er, Humphrey!"
There are so many brilliantly constructed and sophisticated quotes, but I must say that my favourite is:
'I AM NOT THE PRIME MINISTER'S MOTHER-IN-LAW, BERNARD!'
It's actually an exchange from the first episode of YPM ...
H ... With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!
PM ... I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
H ... It's a deterrent.
PM ... It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
H ... Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
PM ... They probably do.
H ... Yes, but they can't certainly know that you probably wouldn't.
PM ... They probably certainly know that i probably wouldn't.
I can't remember the exact wording of Humphrey's subsequent rant, but that may very be the best usage of dialogue in Britcom history.
"This Is ReGodDamnDiculous!"
Agreed, a great little exchange. I looked up the rest:
SIR HUMPRHEY: βYes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there's no probability that you certainly would!β
HACKER: (After a long pause) β....what?β
Sir Humphrey: "Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well?"
Jim Hacker: "That's all ancient history, surely."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing [the EEC] up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased, it's just like old times."
The list of excuses from the question of loyalty episode. I think its from YPM but I've always loved repeating to my friends that I took my polisci degree with
"One must first get behind someone, in order to stab them in the back!"
Not even Machiavelli compares to that!!!
My Movie rankings :http://www.imdb.com/mymovies/list?l=7360696
Jim Hacker: Brussels is a shambles. You know what they say about the average Common Market official: he has the organizing ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish.
shareA Question Of Loyalty contains my favourite quote from... well, any sitcom ever:
Betty Oldham: "Look, Sir Humphrey, whatever we ask the Minister, he says is an administrative question for you, and whatever we ask you, you say is a policy question for the Minister. How do you suggest we find out what is going on?"
Sir Humphrey: "Yes, yes, yes, I do see that there is a real dilemma here. In that, while it has been government policy to regard policy as a responsibility of Ministers and administration as a responsibility of Officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of administration conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the policy of the administration of policy."
Betty Oldham: "Well, that is a load of meaningless drivel. Isn't it??"
How do you start to answer this question but a couple spring to mind-
Hacker tries to argue with Humphrey on the appalling consequences of smoking.
HA- Statistics can tell you whatever you want PM.
PM- Even the truth?
Also Humphrey adisng a nervous Hacker confronting a select committee- "stall them minister-talk to them about the nature of truth."
There are literally dozens of fantastic quotes from Yes Minister / Yes Prime Minister, but a couple that spring to mind are:
Jim Hacker talking about his daughter "You can't reason with her - she's a sociology student you know!"
Humphrey to Jim "It takes two to quango"
This one's in YPM "A Conflict of Interest"
[Discussing the importance of what newspapers say]
HA: The only way to understand the press, is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices
JH: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country... The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country... The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country... The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country... The Financial Times is read by people who own the country... and The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country... and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
HA: Well Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
BW: The Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits
Classic Bernard at the end. Either this one or one of Humpy's famous incomprehensible rambles
Another one from YPM, but it is great stuff:
Humphrey: Hello, Arnold. How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?
Arnold: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about that.
Humphrey: Hello, Arnold. How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?
Arnold: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about that.
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It's actually an exchange from the first episode of YPM ...I think the rest was: "Yes, but although they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't know that, although you probably wouldn't, there's no probability that you certainly would."
H ... With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!
PM ... I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
H ... It's a deterrent.
PM ... It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
H ... Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
PM ... They probably do.
H ... Yes, but they can't certainly know that you probably wouldn't.
PM ... They probably certainly know that i probably wouldn't.
I can't remember the exact wording of Humphrey's subsequent rant, but that may very be the best usage of dialogue in Britcom history.
I have to agree there. Bottom can be every bit as highbrow as Yes Minister. I liked the scene in 'The Official Visit' when they're all trying to get into Hacker's sleeper on the train.
Sir Frederick: (Fred Elliot from Coronation Street) Can I come in, Minister?
Hacker: Well you can try.
The way Sir fred pusshes Bernard out of the way is classic. Also when he said things like 'I think you'd carry more wieght, minister' and 'rumblings in the interior'.
Anything pointlessly convoluted said by Sir Humphrey (followed by a perplexed 'What?' from Jim) and anything pedantic said by Bernard 'Oh shut up, Bernard'.
I can always remember when Sir Humphrey wants to stop Hacker from going ahead with something, he would say "That's very brave of you."
And then the reaction and look on Hacker's face. But that's a bit hard to quote.
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Hacker: "Humphrey, I've been thinking."
Sir Humphrey: "good."
Bernard: "(On the phone) No we can't arrange the seating alphabetically, we'd have Iran and Iraq next to each other. Plus Israel and Jordan in the same pew. Yes I know Ireland would be there as well, but that wouldn't make it any better; Ireland never makes anything any better!"
Bernard: The petition is here, should I file it?
Jim: File it? Shred it!
Bernard: Shred it?
Jim: No-one must ever see it again!
Bernard: In that case Minister, I think it's best I file it.
Humphrey: 'Under consideration' means we've lost the file.
Jim: What about 'under active consideration'?
Humphrey: That means we're trying to find it
Annie: Has anyone got brains?
Jim: You mean Education?
Annie: I know what I mean
Jim: What about the M10? That was only completed a few years ago. Don't Cambridge colleges give as good dinners as Oxford?
Bernard: Oh yes Minister, but it's been years since we had a permanent secretary of the Transport Department from Cambridge.
Jim: Modest wage? Humphrey, you earn thirty thousand a year! That's seven thousand more than I do!
Humphrey: Comparatively modest.
Jim: Compared to whom?
Humphrey: *thinks about it* ...Elizabeth Taylor?
Jim: Humphrey, surely you're not comparing yourself to Elizabeth Taylor.
Humphrey: Of course not, Minister... She didn't get a first from Oxford
[During a dinner at Bailey College]
Jim: (drunk) You know... *points at Humphrey* I can't send /him/ to prison!
Humphrey: *looks utterly mortified*
[Jim has phoned Humphrey in the middle of the night]
Humphrey: (Still half asleep) ...what time is it?
Jim: About two in the morning.
Humphrey: Dear god, what's the crisis?!
Duo Maxwell: [On suffocation] Oh, this is such a lame way to die. This is so not cool!
My favourite has to be Sir Humphrey getting cornered and referring to himself as:
Humphrey: ...one who the present interlocutor is in the habit of referring to by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
Yes, it's funny how Humphrey tends to retreat into complicated grammar when under pressure (And not only English grammar - I love Humphrey and Bernard discussing Latin and Greek grammar while Hacker looks on in bewilderment)
Duo Maxwell: [On suffocation] Oh, this is such a lame way to die. This is so not cool!
This line is incredible...
I often use this line to ease up tense situations, and it always gets a laugh...
My favourite one is when the Burandan ambassador from Africa comes to Visit the PM.
After the ambassador leaves, the PM is furious and says something like ...
PM : This is appalling, the Man must be Blackballed!!!
Bernard: I think he's already black balled <---- ROFL!!!!
Humphrey: YES, THANK YOU BERNARD!!!!! <---- ROFL!!!!
Bernard explaining the differences between the honours, CMG, KCMG and GCMG;
Bernard: Of course, as far as they're concerned, CMG stands for "Call Me God", and KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God"
Hacker: What about GCMG?
Bernard: "God Calls Me God"
Quite simply one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Derek Fowlds deserves just as much praise as Paul and Nigel.
Millenium Hand and Shrimp
In the episode where Humphrey's mistake from 30 years ago is going to
result in the loss of approx. 40 million quid in land and buildings, when
he hands Hacker the standard list of reasons why documents have been lost.
Appleby: ... and documents lost during the floods of 1967.
Hacker: Was 1967 a particularly bad year?
Appleby: No minister, a wonderful year! We lost no end of embarrassing documents.
Brilliant!!
I remember the one from "National Education Service", where Dorothy, the PM's political advisor recommends abolishing the Department of Education and Sciences.
" Abolish it! Eliminate it! Exterminate it!!!!"
Another classic one is:
Hacker: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by people who actually do run the country; the Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
Great quote about the UK newspapers! It certanly explains the points of view in a nutshell!
shareI recently hired this on DVD and I loved a scene where the three leads are trying to justify the construction of a new chemical plant that produces a harmless chemical that sounds similiar to a toxic one.
Disgrutnled MP: Sir Humphrey do you even know what inert means?
Humphrey: Of course I do!
DMP: What does it mean then?
H: Well...I...it's...it's... it's not ert!
DMP: Really? And what is a 'compound' Sir Humphrey?
H: Well...it's...I mean... you know what compound interest is don't you? Well compound interest, that's a jolly good thing isn't it! It's like that.