Things one learns from I,Claudius...

1 - Make sure your coughs are cured before an audience with the Emperor, he may want to cure it later

Don't go to visit Tiberius in Capri. Just don't.

Don't invite Caligula to your wedding, or introduce him to your wife, or your daughter, or your son.

It's better to be laughed at than executed, your body thrown down the Weeping Stairs and torn apart by the rabble until there's only a trunk left, your skull carried off to the public baths and used as a ball.

If Livia invites you to dinner, just go ahead and slit your own throat.

And most importantly:

Being born into the richest and most powerful family in the world isn't actually that much fun.

That's one a lot of us could stand to remember.

* * * FedEx just took NINE days to send me an "overnight" package. * * *

When your wife locks you out of your bedroom, go talk to your mother about it.

Don't call the emperor's daughter fat to her face.

Don't believe someone when they say "there'll be no pain" especially when they are holding a dagger.

When you are emperor and you're in a tight political spot "find a dog who'll eat a dog".

Don't force your soldiers to say "give us a kiss" when they have to communicate with one another.

Don't allow yourself to be afflicted with that "infantile disorder known as republicanism".

Don't put anything important in writing.

Don't have public orgies if you want to keep your infidelity a secret.

Don't bother to have any sons if you are only a descendent of Augustus and not Livia.

Make sure you enjoy any and all dance performances by Caligula.

Don't let Antonia find out that you've been mistreating your children.

If you're emperor just do what Livia says. It'll be easier in the long run.

If you're a pretty noble woman and you have one or more extramarital sexual partners you WILL suffer an early death. (Julia, Livilla, Drusilla, Messalina, and in the book Agrippinilla.)

Ancient Romans had doors with modern doorknobs and other hardware (or the cut-outs for such hardware).

Ancient Romans had perfect teeth.

Ancient Romans used forks. However, the secret was lost until they were invented all over again several centuries later.

It's been said before but bears repeating: TRUST NO ONE!

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Sic transit gloria mundi, sometimes Tuesday is worse.
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Rome controlled lots of very tiny islands.

"Laudius" means "Jackass".

Greek Tragedies are easier on the eyes than Roman Farces.

When Caligula asks you a question to which there is no safe answer, take another sip of wine.

Never be a witness to someone's alteration of their will.

If you have gout, don't pray to Augustus.

Saying "not slept" won't save you.

Groping your great-grandmother isn't very nice.





"I am embarrassed. I never made love in Technicolor before."

Quality of wits is more important than quantity.