Favorite Lines


Here are mine:

Death(to a youthful Woody): You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again.

Woody: Don't bother.

Death: It's no bother.



Woody's Mamuschka:(upon seeing him recoil from the thought of going to fight in the war) He'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines!

Woody: Thanks a lot, Mom. (to us) My mother, folks!



Diane(instructing Woody how to kill Napoleon): And Boris, make sure the pistol is pressed against his temple or his chest. And don't pull the trigger, Boris, squeeze it!

Woody: Jeez, where'd you go to finishing school, on a pirate ship?

reply

My favorites....


Anton: Grushenko? Isn't this the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?
Boris: I'm not so young, I'm thirty-five.



Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

reply

Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris: But as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

Napoleon impostor: History will remember my name. Sidney Applebaum!

reply

Sonja: Wheat...
Friend: Did you say...wheat?
Sonja and friend: (in unison, a Bergman style shot) Wheat...
Boris: I'm dead and they're talkin about wheat.

Napoleon: This is an honor for me.
Boris: No, it's a greater honor for me.
Napoleon: No, a greater honor for me.
Boris: No, it's a greater honor for me.
Napoleon: No, a greater honor for ME.
Boris: Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.
Napoleon: And you must be Don Francisco's sister.
Sonja: No, YOU must be Don Francisco's sister.
Napoleon: No, YOU must be Don Francisco's sister.
Sonja: No, YOU must be Don Francisco's sister.
Boris: No, it's a greater honor for ME.
Napoleon: I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.
Boris: She's a great kidder.
Sonja: No, YOU're a great kidder.
Boris: No, YOU must be Don Francisco's sister.

Sonja: He kissed me.
Boris: Any place I should know about?
Sonja: He warmed the cockles of my heart.
Boris: That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.

Sonja: Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.
Boris: Yes, I've said that many times.

reply

Napolean: Do you find me attractive as a man?
Sonja: Yes, I think that's your best bet.
Napolean: How much of your feelings for me are because I've conquered half of Europe?
Sonja: Oh, I'd say half my feelings. It evens out.
Napolean: I wonder if you should be more difficult to conquer than Russia.
Sonja: Well, I weigh less.
Napolean: I'll go to your room after dinner.
Sonja: Good, I'll go to yours.

reply

I think my favorite part of the movie had to be when Woody Allen got shot out of that cannon, and you see him fly perfectly straight through the air behind a couple of guys talking. I cracked up at that.

reply

From all the lines, my absolute favorite is this...

Countess Alexandrovna : You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris : Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

reply

the part where Woody is talking to the french couple haha then woody called him

"What else, my royal nothingness?"

or something like that ROFL

reply

Spanish brother and sister, not French couple, you egg!

reply

Something to the effect of, "And he who puts his faith in God shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months, with an option to buy."

"If we're driving on the Autobahn when it happens, can we still use the diamond lane?"

reply

My favorite line is when Woody says:
"If a man said that to me, I'd break him in half!"
The man replies:"I am a man!"
and Woody says:"I was talking about a much smaller man"

reply

He always wore black and had a long beard. For years I thought he was an Italian widow...

I remember when I saw this in the movies, I was laughing so hard that people in the theater were laughing at ME laughing.

reply

Dimitri Petrovich! I would like to buy your land!
This land is not for sale! One day I hope to build on it!

reply

[deleted]

Boris' Aunt: I think that 'The Magic Flute' is one of Mozart's finest operas.
Boris: Yeah, it's a hell of an opera, isn't it.
Boris' Uncle: That is the Countess Alexandrovna. Ample bosoms, eh?
Boris: I'd say ample enough for a regiment.


Soldier (coming upon several dead soldiers): That was Vichinsky from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris: What did you do, place?
Soldier: God is testing us.
Boris: If he's going to test us, why doesn't he give us a written.


Soldier (holding huge handful of hair): I have a lock of my wife's hair.
Boris: Jeez, she must be running around bald.
Soldier: Do you have a lock of your sweetheart's hair?
Boris: No, she's married. I have a lock of her husband's hair. It's the best I could do.

Sonja: I mean, let's you and me kill Napoleon.
Boris: Sonja, have you been drinking from the glass we use for the Village Idiot?

reply

I love when Boris and Sonia are in bed together after they are first married.

Boris (narration): Things were a little tense at first.
They are in bed, Boris rolls over and touches her on the shoulder
Sonia: No, not here

reply

Some of my favorite lines from Love And Death, there are just to many to mention, are:

12:06am

After they make love and the whole room is a shambles

COUNTESS ALEXANDROVNA: You're the greatest lover I ever had
BORIS: Well, I practise a lot when I'm alone.

The Duel Scene with Anton Ivanovich Lebedekov and Boris

ANTON: At last, you're late, Boris Grushenko, we thought you weren't coming
BORIS: Well, I overslept
ANTON: Can you be so relaxed and confident?
BORIS: I hate to shoot anybody before my morning tea. I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs
MAN WITH GUNS: I implore both of you, come back to your senses. There's still time to call it off, with mutual consent, with no loss of honor.
BORIS: Since you put it that way, maybe I will hop back into bed.
ANTON: We'll do it now. And to the death
BORIS: Oh, I can't do anything to the death, doctor's orders. I have an ulcer condition and dying is the worst thing for it.

Boris looking at the camera before the fake Napoleon's death

BORIS: Look at him. If I don't kill him, he'll make war all through Europe. But murder? What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together on Crete for the summer. a, Socrates is a man. b, All men are mortal. c, All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. Once, some Cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. But, you know, some men are heterosexual, and some men are bisexual, and some don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers. My problem is that I see both sides of every issue. I'm too logical. You know, the world is not logical. If it was logical, how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but every time I said something, they'd smack me. So, you know, I'm just racked with guilt and I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. And not only that, but I'm developing a herpes on my lip here and that is really killing me.

Boris with the angel of God.

BORIS: Who are you?
ANGEL: I am an angel of God
BORIS: You're kidding.
ANGEL: Fear not, Boris. You have led a just life, and at the last minute, before the execution, the emperor plans to pardon you.
BORIS: Really?
ANGEL: He will make a great personal show of his generosity, and you will have learned your lesson, but you will not be executed.
The Angel dissapears. Boris starts talking to himself, with a light shining on him.
BORIS: Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. He that abideth in truth and will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall, he shall... The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And...
The light dissapears on him
BORIS: Wait, I have more about the wicked man
The light returns on him.
BORIS: I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, os you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is OK in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched. I thank you.
The light is off.

reply

1) You love Russia, don't you? You want to make a career out of the army, don't you?

2) "Shall we say pistols at dawn?" "We can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it"
"For disgracing the honor of Countess Alexandrovna." "I let her finish first."
"I call on your seconds." "I didn't give her seconds."

3) The screenplay:
I hope you had a good time.
I did, I had a good time. What's this sore on my lip? Doc, what's this sore on my lip?
You have a social disease, my friend. If you don't cure it, you will go blind!

4) After many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing in the world are blonde, 12 year old girls.

5) What would Socrates say?...........

6) Some Jews are smart. Although I hear their women don't believe in sex after marriage.

7) What would you say if I said you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen?
I would say, what a mad fool he is.
What would you say if I suddenly put my arms around you?
I would say, what a mad, impetuous fool he is.
And what would you say if I kissed you?
What a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.

There are many, many more memorable sequences. I think I can safely say this was the funniest movie ever made...

reply

Perhaps, my favorite movie line of all-time....

Sonja (on death): "Whats it like?"
Boris: "You know the chicken at Kresgie's restarant?"
Sonja "Yeah..."
Boris: "Its worse.
Sonja: (as an afterthought) "Worse than the chicken at Kresgies...."

I like using the line a lot myself, although, no one else really gets it.

reply

All these are great and here is one no one mentioned yet:

Napoleon to the Chef: We must develop zi Napoleon before they develop zi Beef Wellington!


...AHHH...this movie cracks me up everytime


R

reply

A very funny line that no one mentioned is, "One day I was walking through the woods thinking about Christ. If Jesus was a carpenter, how much did he charge for bookshelves?"

DUELIST: You saved my life how can I repay you?
BORIS: You can get off my toe.

COUNTESS: You're the best lover I've ever had
BORIS: I practice alot when I'm alone.

And then there's the whole Greater honor for me/Don Fransisco's sister thing. that is hard to memorize but hilarious.

"...Some men are heterosexual some men are bisexual some men don't think about sex at all they become lawyers..."

"Thou shalt dwell in the Lord's house for six months with an option to buy."

The wheat scenes.

RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN: So who is to say what is moral
SONJA: Morality is subjective
RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN: Subjectivity is objective
SONJA: Moral notions imply attributes to substances that can only exist in relational duality
RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN: Not as an essential extention of ontological existence
SONJA: Can we please not talk about sex so much?

"Somehow Young Nehamkin's son was older than Old Nehamkin. I could never figure out how that was possible."


reply

Every Line is Classic. Every one!

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

reply

[deleted]

Man there are so many good lines in this movie. The "I practice a lot when I'm alone" is pretty good.

There is a great small moment in this movie (it's not a LINE but just a very funny moment) when Boris - disguised as Don Francisco- is being taken away by the French and he says "fellows, this is something Don Francisco does not take lightly" and then we see the real Don Francisco walk pass them.

He He..

Oh, and how about the BLACK Russian officer? HA HAAAA

reply

"Oh, and how about the BLACK Russian officer? HA HAAAA"

Was watching it tonight after having not seen it since the 80s and, as I listened to the Officer barking at Woody, thought 'Ahhhh, a hat tip to Lou Gossett Jr. in 'An Officer and a Gentleman".... then remembered this movie came out 7 years prior to 'AOAAG' LOL !

(he said in the off chance that 'Drumm09' re visits this thread 7 years after leaving the above quote :-)

reply

I'd say that all of the greatest lines were covered here, except for one of the best dialogues.

The wheat dialogue! Come on! It's so great!

Sonja and Boris are thinking to the audience and at one point Sonja's funniest line is

"and what if I feel trapped? I can't breathe?! Quick open a window! No not that one, the one in the bathroom!"

and then boris is talking about wheat...no specific line is funny about that, just the fact that the thoughts contrast each other to the point of ridiculousness, and their facial expressions are amazing.

reply

Heres a few I liked that haven't been mentioned

Sonja: To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

Natasha: I never want to marry, I just want to get divorced.

Sonja: Boris is trying to commit suicide - last week he contemplated inhaling next to an Armenian.


Sergeant: If they kill more Russians, they win. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.
Boris Grushenko: What do we win?

Boris Grushenko: There are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.

Sonja: Violence is justified in the service of mankind.
Boris: Who said that?
Sonja: Attila the Hun.
Boris: You're quoting a Hun to me?


Boris: In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

I like the scene with the old priest(forget the character name) I think it goes something like this not totally sure:

Sonja: I know some people say your senile but I know yor a wise man and your my only hope
Old Priest: The most important thing in life is young blond 12 year old girls
Sonja: Oh, I was depending on you!
Old Priest: You're forgiven.

Also the scene with the black drill instructor in the french army where in a southern accent when he says "you're the worst soldier I've ever seen".

reply

Napoleon: "Are you alone? I thought I heard voices."
Sonja: "I was praying."
Napoleon: "I thought I heard two voices!"
Sonja: "Well, I do both parts."

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

reply

My favorite W.A. film. Very underrated. Two of the lines mentioned made me think of one of woody's essays, where he says that someone committed suicide by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

reply

Um...does this film have a duel scene where Allen fires a gun in the air and the bullet comes back down and hits him in the head?


Cigaretes raped my mother and killed my father

reply

Not exactly, in the duel scene Woody gets shot in his left arm by his opponent, he doesn't want to shoot back, shoots his gun in the air in stead, and the bullet comes down and hits him in his right arm.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

reply

Thank you very much for that. That scene has been annoying me 4eva, cos I didn't know what film it came from. Cheers for that, I'm off to watch it now!


Tutor Wot can u tell me about Ryan?
Alex He has a brother called Kiel

reply

"Ohh, if only we were children again!"
"Yea, preferably French children."

"If Napoleon conquers Russia, he'll burn down half of Europe!"
"Let's hope he burns the side with our landlord in it."

"We'll have 3 kids!
"yes, one of each kind!"

and when woody allen puts on the mittens while having sex with Sonya.
and when woody picks both pistols in the duel.

reply

I love all the lines in the film
But I am surprised no one mentioned this one:

after Boris was fired from the cannon and caused the French surrender.

Boris- my brother Ivan however was not so lucky, he was bayoneted to death by a

Polish conscientious objector.

reply

lool, so many hilarious lines in this film.
The old senile guy is brilliant.

"Get off my beard you little jerk!"
"What did you say the fish was called?"
"Didn't you say something about fish?!"

Genius. I also like the bit where a man slaps Woody and demands a duel, then another guy slaps him and Woody goes:

"What is this? Slap Boris day?"

Love and Death is pure genius and definitely one of Woody's funniest.


Film and Jim Carrey fansite with forum:

http://cablogula.tripod.com

reply