The Dead Parrot Sketch - Come On In!

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c - hello, i wish to register a complaint. hello, miss?
o - what d'you mean, miss?
c - oh, i'm sorry i have a cold. i wish to make a complaint
o - oh, sorry uh, we're closing for lunch
c - never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot, what i
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique
o - oh yes, uh the Norwegian Blue. what's wrong with it?
c - i'll tell you what's wrong with it my lad. it's dead that's what's wrong with it
o - no, no it's eh it's resting, look
c - look, my lad, i know a dead parrot when i see one and i'm looking at one
right now
o - no, that's not dead it's uh resting
c- resting!?
o - yeah, resting, remarkable bird the norwegian blue init? beautiful plumage
c - the plumage don't enter into it. it's stone dead
o - no, it's resting
c - alright then, if it's resting, i'll wake it up.
(to the parrot) hello, polly! i've got a nice, fresh
cuttlefish for you if you wake up mr polly parrot
(quickly hits the bird cage) o - there, he moved
c - no, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!
o - i didn't!
c- yes you did!
(to parrot) hello polly! wakey wakey! (hits parrot on counter) rise 'n' shine!
(hits parrot on counter repeatedly) this is your 9 o'clock alarm call! (throws
parrot up and it falls to the ground) now that's what i call a dead parrot.
o - no, he's stunned
c - stunned!?
o - yeah, you stunned him, just as he was waking up, norwegian blues stun
easily
c - look, my lad i've had enough of this. that parrot is definately deceased.
and when i bought it, not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total
lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged-out after a long
squawk!
o - well, he's pining for the fjords
(pause) c - ''pining for the fjords''?!?! what kind of talk is that? look, why did it fall flat
on its back the moment i got home?
o - oh, well, the norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back. beautiful plumage
c - look, i took the liberty of examining that parrot, and i discovered that the
only reason that it had been sittin' on its perch in the first place was that it had
been nailed there
o - oh, but of course it was nailed there. i mean, if i hadn't nailed it there, it
would've muscled up to those bars and voom!
c - (picking up the parrot) look here, mate. this parrot wouldn't voom if you put
four thousand volts through it. it's bleedin' demised.
o - no, it's -it's pining
c - it's not pining. it's passed on. this parrot is no more. it has ceased to be.
it's expired and gone to see its maker. this is a late parrot. it's a stiff, bereft
of life. it rests in peace. if you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be
pushing up the daisies. it's rung down the curtain and joined the
choir invisible! this is an ex-parrot!