Favorite MST3K quotes

OK, it's been awhile since I saw this episode, so help me out if I get anything wrong.

Mike: (After Ivan uses his new bow and arrow for the first time) "Wow! It barely works!"

Ivan: (To Nastenka) "Will you marry me?"
Tom: "Um, I'm 9."

Crow: *teardrops hit the water and make a 'ding' sound* "With retsin!"

Jack Frost: (After Nastenka touches Jack Frost's ice staff) "Anything that touches my ice staff will be frozen forever."
Crow: "Well then maybe it should be kept in a safer place!"


Mike: And the cudgels came down way earlier than next winter and maimed several children!

Crow: (closeup of grizzled bandit)The Human Schnauzer.

Crow:(after Ivan gets new bow and arrow) Now start runnin' shroom!

Servo: (mushroom guy disappears)Wow! Didn't know there were that many landmines left in Narnia.

Crow: (after ice sleigh appears to ridiculous sound effects) Who's making that sound?

Mike: Wait'll I open her up on the freeway!

Mike: (hunchback fairy is arguing with Ivan)Awww no! No- no leg kicks please!

Crow: (trees attack)Quick, give him Dutch Elm disease!

Ivan: Its the first time I've sat on a shovel.
Mike: The flat part anyway.

Mike: (at Ivan looking in water)Salmon!

Mike: Maybe I'm crazier than an outhouse rat.

Mike: Forget the good deed, eat her!

Mike: (as Jack Frost)Hey its supposed to make her sleep forever! Now wheres that bird?! Out flying around somewhere?!

Crow: So, Frost, you killed her. Thats the long short of it.

Crow: (a crowd gathers to laugh derisively at the ugly stepsister)And the freelance Shame Squad is there!

Mike: (girls finally yell and run away upon seeing bear cubs)Delayed Reaction Syndrome

Mike: This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume-


Tom:"Ah, the world is thrown into chaos;earthquakes, floods...but thats fine, you
knit your sock."

Tom:"Now to go find Forrest Gump, stick him in the eye, and KILL HIM!"

Ivan:"How long are you going to water that stump?"
Crow:"I mean how dumb are you?"

Mike:"You just got yourself a big sled load of whoop ass, Frost."


Nastenka's Stepmother: "C'mere you little viper!"
Crow: "Someone needs viping!"

Servo: "Come on girls! There is a bubushka sale at Bloomingdales!!!"

Ivan: "What is your name?"
Nastenka: "Nastya"
Crow: "Ms. Jackson if youre nasty."

(After Nastenka's Stepmother grabs her head in frustration)
Crow: "My bubushka! Oh, I have it on..."

"Forget the pooch, where's the hooch!"


There are tons of Father Mushroom riffs. here are few that I remember:

"What did mushroom eat for hallucinations?"

"I thought Jerry Garcia was Father Mushroom"


Servo: "I'm gonna keep doing this until somebody notices me"

Nastenka "My father calls me Nastenka"
Ivan "Nastenka?"
Mike "It means stump waterer"

Not sure if that last one was mike though!


Crow: It's "Rex" ma'am.
Mike: If I catch you, you're in my omelette so fast!
Crow: Now start runnin', 'shroom!

I'm sorry...I thought you was corn."



*Nastya is knitting really fast*
Servo: SUUURGE!!!

*Ivan sees Nastya for the first time*
Crow: That's a girl! I thought I was a girl!

Nastya: My name is Nastenka.
Servo *as her*: It means stump-waterer.

See the lies, spirit dies, your disguise: Monster size.


Crow: Am I un-BEAR-able?

Mike: Forget the good deed, eat her!

Servo(talking like Yogi Bear): I've got to go find a pic-nic basket!

Crow: What kind of bear am I?

Servo: Cymbol Fist: the new action hero!

Mike: Jack Frost opened fire on a set of willows today...

Crow: Yes, every culture's mythology features the hero chasing a pig-sleigh!

Mike: I should have all these caterpillars removed

Mike: So, she sleeps forever in only a relative sense

Crow: She's a maniac, maniac...

Crow: Ooo, self delivering lumber!

Mike: Why are you so mean to me, Tanta Ernest Borgnine?

Servo: They're singing about controlling their nose hair

Crow: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.

Mike: Big Bird got developed

Mike: Those winged monkeys now use jetpacks!

Crow: She's 800 years young!

Crow: So what, are we looking for Waldo here?

Servo: Do I crap in the woods?

Mike: So if you speculate about doing good it's better than actually doing good?

Nastenka: I know you're not...
Mike: But what am I?

Crow: Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the Unstable House!

Mike: And so the first plot point is knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a movie guys!

Mike: Heh heh, we're gonna starve this winter
Servo: Well, I suppose we should go back to being ugly
Mike: Let's go frighten small children

Mike: ...And the cudgles came down earlier next winter and maimed several children!

Servo: I'll strip if you want me to

Servo: I think he's missed the point of juggling

Servo: A young Mike Nelson!

Crow: And a bag over the head completes the look!

Nastenka: Thank you rosy fingered dawn!
Mike(as DON Corleone): Someday you'll return the favor.

Ivan: You must have a very wicked stepmother
Mike(as Nastenka): Yep, standard issue

Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.

Servo: Someday I'll be a real boy!

Mike: Now he's haunted by other vegetables he didn't eat as a child

Mike humming the Benny Hill theme as the trees start running away.


My fave is when the clubs fall down at the end and Crow (?) goes:
"Oh, yeah! It's raining cinematic pay-off!"


It's the 1978 Cadillac sleigh!

- Movie: "So be it"
- Comment: "So vee et? I told you this was a commie movie!"

Do The Mussolini! Headkick!


'You're going down, Mushroom Boy! You mincing little fungus!'


Voice over for the pig sled: IIIIIIII'm BACON!! Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!!!!


Oh my God I am dying.

I'm also sitting in a library, reading all of these and covering my mouth and snorting and trying not to guffaw. I think I'm about to be kicked out.

It was worth it, I'm so going home and watching my taped copy again!


Concerning the evil step-sister:
Crow: "It's Tom Petty!"

And as Ivan pleads with the eternally sleeping Nastya towards the end:
(I believe this was Servo) "Take on me. Take me on."

You're jackin' in it, travel.



Why is the coat rack on fire?


This is one of my favorite episodes. Pretty underrated I'd say; not many people mention it when discussing the top episodes. But it's really funny; alot of it has to do with the fact that it's already so hilarious by itself just by virtue of all the weird stuff that happens. Then when Mike and the bots add their part, it's a riot.

Mike: "Oh jeez, I stepped in my own scat."

Ivan: "How long will you go on watering it?"
Crow: "I mean how dumb are you?"

Mike: "Hey he can always get a job as a sports mascot."

Mushroom: "Just look at yourself and ask--"
Servo: "Do I crap in the woods?"

Mushroom: "Here's my advice to you--"
Mike: "Shave."

Crow: "Alfalfa's greatest role."

Servo: "It's a Burger King birthday crown."

Stepmother VO: "...take her far into the forest and leave her. I never want to see her again."
Servo (as Nastenka): "Do you have to play that tape Dad it's a little hard on my self esteem."

Crow: "Oh I forgot to preheat the oven, darn."

Mike: "You know, I'm from Wisconsin, I've seen plenty of this. Can we move on?"

Mike (as Nastenka): "I pray for the death of Jack Frost."

Servo (after Jack Frost quickly turns and runs): "My muffins!"

Jack Frost: "But any living creature who touches my magic scepter will never wake up again."
Crow: "Admittedly it's a design flaw, but..."

Servo: "Very confusing lesson."
Mike: "So if you speculate about doing good it's better than actually doing it?"
Crow: "Apparently."

Crow: "Well that's taken care of, now what are you going to do about the fact that you're Finnish?"

Mike: "Still, it was good for him to get out of the basement for awhile."

Ivan: "Nastya!"
Mike: "I need a haircut!"

Voice: "Look who's here!"
Servo: "Thank you anonymous voice!"

Crow: "Why is she putting Bisquick on her face?"

Nastenka: "Grandfather Frost found me in the forest. First he took me with him to his dwelling."
Mike: "Then he kind of killed me."

Narrator: "...and left her beneath a tall pine tree."
Mike: "Where she drank herself into oblivion. The end."

Mike: "And a months rations are gone in an hour."

Servo: "Cymbal fist, the new action hero."

Crow: "Uh, did somebody drop some femurs over here?"
Servo: "I think he's missed the point of juggling."

Crow: "They're frantically hoping he has a louse comb."

Crow: "Fins celebrate the New Year by hurling giant beefsticks high into the air."

Ivan: "You must have a very wicked stepmother."
Mike: "Yep, standard issue."

Crow: "Whoa there's a bull snake on her neck."

Mike: "Yogurt is not a finger food."

Ivan: "And it's the first time I've sat on a shovel."
Mike: "The flat part, anyway...."

Mike: "Scott Hamilton's interpretation of The Three Bears."


I'm just gonna start from the beginning and work my way through the movie ^_^

"Ah Roseanne!"
"Now don't wave Grandma's funk over here, please!"
"She keeps knitting, and knitting, and knitting!"
"I wish she'd take that rat out of her mouth"
"You want a stinkin' sock, I'll knit you a stinkin' sock, stinkin' sock!"
"Oh fly specks, they've been aiming"

"Hide the chickens ladies, I'm on the prowl!"
"Oh she's mooning us!"
"And you are...?"

"Ah a ah a ah! Mornin'"
Sheep:"Moornin'" (Ivan chops a block of wood) "Hey watch it!"
"Well the chores are done for the day."
"I'm only going for a paper"
"I even made him lunchables!"

"Damn, hobbits!"
"Ooooooo loook!"
"Uh, I lost a Titelist 3 down here, anyone? Oh what a beautiful muska(unable to spell), oh what a beautiful gumski(still unable to spell)"
"He's got Playboy!"

"Ivanushka, I got a new church hat!"
"Rum tum tilly dow, Tom Bombadillo!"
"Come 'ere you twisted little wood ear, I'm gonna..!"

"Heckle and Jeckle in, The Ten Commandments!"
"I still havn't found the men's room."
"Ehhh...it was a good run!"

"I want to be the girl with the most cake."
"And it just rolls back down the hill."
"That's a girl, I thought I was a girl!"
"Why do continue to water the stump?" "I mean how dumb are you?"
"Every guy I meet is either gay or a bear"

I'll stop there, and continue later.



"Mmm, My famous yankee bean soup"

"Clear out the bathroom"


On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!


Crow: "So you killed her, Frost? Is that pretty much the long and short of it?"

"It is not heresy. And I will not recant."


"Proving once again that slightly unatractive people ARE evil!"

"Get down in that basement, old man!"

"Ugh, when am I going to pass this witch?"

"Well, it's good to see they've gotten past the oven incident."

"I've got to learn to ride a tricycle in a hurry."

"Heckel and Jeckel in: The Ten Commandments."

"I always pick that little guy off my pizza."

"And they became professional Faberge egg immitators."

"And They Lived Happily Ever After..."
"Yeah, until the mushroom guy moved in..."

Come down off your cross, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it.


-The Muchroom guy appears-

Tom: Hey! It's a Paul Williams doll! (if anyone knows who Paul Williams is that's incredibly funny!)


[Nastya knits quickly] Crow: [in peewee herman voice] "She keeps knitting, and Knitting, and KNITTING!!

[ivan and nastya in sled looking up at trees] Mike: "Big Tree's the new Imax feature."

Nastya: "A bird!"
Crow: "Let's eat it!"

Mike: [after ivan throws a feather to learn his destiny] "aww...my destiny sucks...it's a swamp!"


(Evil stepsister dusts off her hands and prepares to assault Grandfather Frost)
Mike: You just opened up a whole sled-full of whoop-ass."