Monologue for 12-12-1984 xmas in the Reagan years

'Have you been out shopping any of you...how many have your Christmas shopping done...we hate you people. The stores are going crazy. I was in the May company today...i go there for my christmas jokes..I was in the elevator, rode up a couple of floors, it was so crowded a lady turned to me and said 'was it as good for you as it was for me?"
Toy department is interesting this year...in the toy department i saw a lady..i said, "boy those cabbage dolls are ugly." she said "This is my son."
i was also in KMART this morning. No, i wasn't shopping, i was auditioning the KMART announcer in case Ed dumps me.
"Whats the big toy this year? outside the cabbage dolls, they are the hottest item i guess. Robots? Young people today are conservative. I saw a kid asking Santa for a box of Reagan logs.
There is a wild department store on Santa Monica boulevard, you should go in there. Today, a guy hopped onto Santa's lap and Santa said-"Now it's my turn."
I like the variety of cards you get this time of year, from people who serve you throughout the year, did you get your crd from your postman yet? It said-if you want to see your tax refund alive don't forget your christmas tip."
Speaking of the cabbage patch dolls, apparently they are being counterfeited, and thousands of them are flooding into the country and i guess people think they are the real thing, to combat, one company is putting out a new doll called border patrol Barbie.
While you're here, if you are going to spend christsmas time in Burbank, i recommend the Burbank ballet, putting on their traditional christmas ballet, 'the knee cracker.'
Do you miss New York City this time of year?
ED: Yes
It's really christmas back there, they unveiled yesterday on fifth ave, a giant snowflake two and a half stories high. No, really, isn't that great. It's the biggest flake in New York, unless, next to a guy named Earb who moons window store mannequins.
According to newspapers, for the first time in ten years, the whitehouse will have a nativity scene of the whitehouse grounds, It's nice to know that there are at least 3 wise men in the vicinity of the whitehouse.
unfortunately in the tradition of the whitehouse they laid off the three wise men and retained the ass.
The President won't be surprised on christmas, they already announced his gift-he's getting a pick up truck, that's right, a pick-up truck for the ranch. I understand today Nancy , bought a designer pair of fuzzy dice to hang from the rear view mirror.
A government panel today came out with the finding, that a nuclear war would create enough dust and smoke to blot out the Sun. You get the feeling we've had a nuclear war in LA and nobody told us. Californians are a little blasé though, i told this to my neighbor in malibu today " do you realize after a nuclear war you would have an entire eternity of freezing weather? He said, "yes, but there is no humidity."
Some more good news, starting in Feburary the post office announced the price of a first class stamp is going to twenty-two cents. Now, our executive producer, mister Fred D Cordova found a way to beta that. He mailed out his Christsmas cards for the next five years.

note: This monologue almost perfectly illustrates the Reagan years, even the talk of Nuclear Winter. the fun of the 1970s was long gone.