The best bad review ever
I can't post this as a review, since Olde Englysshe is seen as misspelling, for some reason. This appeared in Time Magazine on November 8, 1954, author not identified, and deserves to live:
The Black Knight (Warwick; Columbia) starring Alan Ladd and Patricia Medina, and photographed in Technicolor is reviewed by Time's Camelot correspondent.
“Thynggs are tuffe here, ywis. Thre times in this dretched yere hath this our Fayr Demesne been sore aforbled of the hungrie bande that Slounketh out of the Woode called Holly. Nay, the Table Round hath more mouthes in this twelve-month fedd than ever it didde the whiles Kyng Arthur supped him there. First comith that pritty knight Sir Robert, the Taylor yclept, and feigneth to bee Launcelot, and then harde after hym ye yongg esquire Robert a Wagner, yt callith himselfe Prince Valiant.
“And nowe is al Reasoun disperplyd, for lo! ther rideth out of the Weste upon us Sir Alaine the Ladd, whych is siccar the most onnatural knight that ever was my doole to see. Ho! Ho! For he kann not gat his legs arounde a propre Hors, beeing knocken knee. Therefor muste an other ryde into battail in his stead, whiles hee sits pyght and pritty on a woodan tubbe ycovered in hors hyde, and doth preetende to make he onslaught—slishe! slashe!--a-striking o' the air on's Sworde, and a-brasting of's cheekes wi' greate shoutes wold fright, I trow, the Lice offe Launcelot.
“Nay, more, nor kann this knight e'en parler ye Englysshe langue, bot muttereth mayhappe in Frensshe, as, 'Yagottalissena me, Englans gonnabeen vaded.' Aye, say'st'ou, but when ye Ladd doth feutre him into Patricia's chambre for love's sake, aye, what then? What then bot shande and shame to the Table Round! for hee doth take Discretion for ye better part of Valoure. O Fye!
“Wherefor have Sir Gawaine and his brethren sworne a greate vow to journee to the Holly Woode and onloose the fayr Colhumbia, allso to slay the dreadful dragoon Matr Ogol Dwynma Yer, and anie other of his breede yt they shal finde. Avaunt! Eftsoons be al mal engine full awroke!”