Bang!
Always wanted to start a story with a bang.
And not just a story, a wild, wild west story to boot!
It all started with a certain invisible ingredient - found in pepper sauce, potato salad, deviled eggs, and -
Catsup!
But that's getting ahead of things. The best place to begin I suppose is the day Sherriff Ludwig received a firefly telegram while riding tall in the saddle atop the fabulous Tennessee Stud - Mr Tom.
Time: As dawn breaks.
We see cactii and rattlesnakes across the landscape; a tumbleweed orgy here and there in the background.
Along a trail beside the trickling Rio Grande, we see a tiny goldfishie, sporting cowboy hat and star, astride a black stallion.
The desert is hushed, save for the baritone singing voice of Mister Tom, the Tennessee Stud, wafting above the sun-dappled haze:
Mister Tom
(Singing)
"They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes, I've been black but when I come back you'll know, know, know."
(looks at Sheriff Luddie and winks)
"I ain't got the time, and if my daddy thinks I'm fine,
He tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go, go, go!"
Sheriff Luddie
(sighs)
You know, Mom used to sing me to sleep with that one. . .
Mister Tom
. . .mine, too. . .
Sheriff Luddie
(wipes a tear away)
They just don't write lullabyes like that any more!
Mister Tom
(Shakes his black mane in the negative)
Nope!
A gunshot rings out.
Mister Tom
(Stopped dead still, whispering)
Are you okey-doakes, Sheriff?
Sheriff Luddie
(Clutching Tom's mane; whispering)
Okey-doakes. You?
Mister Tom
(still whispering)
Not leaking yet.
We hear the sound of water hitting a rock.
Sheriff Luddie
(whispering urgently)
Well, what's that?
Mister Tom
(turning to look at his partner, whispering)
What do you think!?!
And I'm . . . Link!
. . .we see a pinpoint of a bright light, zooming dead-on towards Sheriff Luddie and Mister Tom.
Sheriff Luddie
There's the bullet!
Mister Tom
Talk about 'delayed reaction'!
The streaking light stops dead before them.
Barney the firefly
Good morning, gentlemen!
Mister Tom
(stamps the ground)
Barney! Don't do that!
(hands a telegram to Sheriff Luddie) Sorry, Mister Tom! Had to get this to the Sheriff via shotgun express!
Sheriff Luddie unwraps the telegram.
Mister Tom
What the haps, Luddiefishie?
Sheriff Luddie
Looks like we've got a mysterie to solve. Thanks, Barney!
You're welcome!
And I'm . . . Link!
(cocking an eyebrow up to Barney)
I'm supposin' you want a lift back?
'twould be nice.
Mister Tom
(sighs)
Okay! Climb on. . .
Barney flies over and lands on the end of Mister Tom's tail.
You usin' a new shampoo?
Mister Tom:
Same ole Garnier Fructis I always use!
Mister Tom rares back his tail.
And your back forty smells minty fresh, too!
Mister Tom flicks his tail and catapults Barney.
(as his voice goes further and further away) See ya back in toooooooooooown!
Mister Tom
I'll give him minty fresh when I sees him next!
(turns his head to look at Sheriff Luddie)
You ready to git?
Sheriff Luddie
(pulling his cowboy hat low on the head he's got)
Let's hit it and git it. GIDDYAP, go!!!
And I'm . . . Link!
Are there any water holes around these parts?
(Jerks his head once to the left)
There's that itty-bitty ditch there called the Rio Grande
We better pull in then for a pit stop. This bowl seems to have developed a leak!
I just hope there aren't any wild, ravaging, hungry and crazed predators lurking about with beadie eyes.
We see Mister Tom walk off the trail carefully and at an angle towards the river.
Mister Tom
Let's also check that vessel for cracks and broken glass. Can't have you getting splinters in yer tail!
There was a cracking sound. Water started leaking out in five directions, and just as Mr Tom, the gallant Tennessee Stud got near the shore of the slow moving waters the entire goldfish bowl disintegrated!
Sherriff Luddie just managed to land on the edge of the shore with one mighty leap but a quick glance at the inviting stream revealed two eyes looking right back at him, and two manacing snippers in an upraised position!
Knowing a moment of hesitation could mean ending up in smaller bits than a clumsey Humpty Dumpty -
Sherriff Luddie was quick on the draw and about to unleash a firestorm of hot lead on the snipper clippers above his head and reaching out of the river for him when a friendly but unknown voice said, "Let me give you a lift to safety, stranger."
Easy there, pardner; no need to drag out the cannons!
Boris gently scoops Sheriff Luddie up with his closed claw and *plop!*s him into the Rio Grande.
We see Sheriff Luddie dive down into the river and gracefully wiggle up to the surface.
Mister Tom:
(calling from the bank of the Rio)
Well, Esther Williams? How's the water?
And I'm . . . Link!
(spewing water like a fountain at Mister Tom)
Deelicious!!!
Mister Tom
(bowing to their new friend)
I say, Very Red Stranger, I thank you for coming to the Sheriff's rescue. . .
(In a friendly spirit) Boris is the name. . .
Mister Tom
Well, howdy-do, Boris! I'm the Fabubbleous Mister Tom and this is. . .
Sheriff Luddie:
Sheriff Ludwig Van Goldfish!
Sheriff Luddie. . .Mister Tom. . .what brings you to these parts?
Mister Tom
Actually, we were returning to town when the bowl broke. . .
Good thing you were close to the river. . .
Sheriff Luddie
(puzzled)
Saaaaay. I thought lobsters were salt-water creatures. . .
And I'm . . . Link!
We are, Luddie.
Sheriff Luddie
But how can you be here?
Taste the water.
Sheriff Luddie does so.
Sheriff Luddie
What is that???
Sulfer.
And I'm . . . Link!
(Incredulous)
Sulfer???
Oh, don't worry. . .there's not enough to harm, but there is enough to make the H2O properties right for me.
Ah-so! And OK for me!
Mister Tom
(Startled)
And who is THAT!?!?!
And I'm . . . Link!
. . .with his fins full-sail, fanning slowly in the water around Sheriff Luddie.
Behold, Fish of Gold! I am Sony!
Mister Tom
(Marveling)
Well, look at you! You go, boyfriend!
Sheriff Luddie
(Not too friendly)
You're sure a long way from home!
Wii are. But, here we be!
I met Sony just about a week ago. . .
. . .and I have been here for just about a month!
Mister Tom
Only in Texas!
And I'm . . . Link!
. . .on the trail above them all, we see a big, brand new wagon, driven by
Henry the bat.
OnBowl services! Someone needs some assistance?
Mister Tom:
(Turning to look)
Gentlemen, there's the calvary to the rescue!
How did you do that???
Mister Tom:
I subscribed the last bowl crack the Sheriff had. . .
(to Henry)
Got enough room for two more passengers?
I have two big tanks, as a matter-of-fact. . .one fresh-water, the other: salt!
Mister Tom;
(to the finny-dippers)
There we go, gents! Let's get you out of the brimstone and back to town!
But, where will we stay?
Sheriff Luddie:
(as Henry and Mister Tom gathers the three up)
With us, of course!
Mister Tom:
Absolutely!
Are you sure?
Mister Tom:
Yes, my blue beauty! Now, let's hie our hides back to town!
We see Mister Tom and Henry plop the Sheriff and Sony into the fresh water tank and Boris is cradled into the salt water tank
Sheriff Luddie:
Mister Tom, go on ahead to the office. . .I got a message coming.
Mister Tom:
I thought the telegram was the message. . .
Sheriff Luddie:
It was. . .but there's more!
Mister Tom:
(to Henry) You got this covered, friend?
100%. Git-a-long, bang-tail!
Sheriff Luddie
See ya back at the office!
Mister Tom:
Boris. . .Sony. . .see ya in town!
And Mister Tom departs.
OK, Sheriff. We're off and bringing up the rear.
Sheriff Luddie
Thank you, Henry!
Our view rises up into the air, where we see Mister Tom at full-gallup on the trail back to town. Henry follows behind normal speed with the flat bed wagon with two tanks, as Sheriff Luddie, Sony and Boris converse with each other in the tanks. . .
And I'm . . . Link!
You guys been living in that Rio Taco Grande for a while then?
These bowls are pretty nice, much more roomy, must be the Delux.
I read about a model just like this in Better Bowls Magazine, but I didn't know Mr Tom the Tennessee Stud subscribed.
The treasure chest is standard you know, but the skeleton is optional.
Boris, if you look inside your treasure chest you might have a skeleton too, but I bet there's something else in there too. Bet it's a piece of paper with something written on it. Bet it's a triangle shape.
(flips the small chest open with his right claw and pulls the slip of paper out)
Well, I'll be!
(he hands the slip over the two walls of glass to Sheriff Luddie)
I don't have my reading glasses on. . .what does it say?
It's difficult to make out.
Wait, I'll get the magnifier glass Mr Tom gave me! I'll be right back!
Now I can see better...
It's a map!
And there's hundreds of tiny footprints that go to a mountain, and the mountain is on the triangle piece you found. The mountain is shaped like an hourglass!
But who has footprints that small?
Stop the wagon!
(Bringing the wagon to a screeching halt)
What's all the hubbub, Bub?
"What kind of &#@%ery is this?" -Amy Winehouse, "Me & Mr. Jones"
LOOK!
It's an ant, lucky we stopped, he was in the direct path!
And look, he is waving.
Boris, what are you doing out of your bowl?!
Donut holes. I always carry them with me, for a pick-me-up!
(Hands three to the ant)
Here ya go, pardner!
ooo
"What kind of &#@%ery is this?" -Amy Winehouse, "Me & Mr. Jones"
Look Boris, he's pointing at the map!
And now he's pointing that way, west by east! Do you think he's trying to tell us something?
'Road construction ahead, exit right?'
What do you make of it?
"What kind of &#@%ery is this?" -Amy Winehouse, "Me & Mr. Jones"
We're going to be late getting to town. But we just have to go that way and see what the ant is telling us.
Look, the ant just got on the wagon with us! Hope the horses can handle the weight of an extra passenger.
Hello, sailor! New to these parts?
. Howdy. The name's Harrison.
Well, Harrison. . .what can we do you for?
. This is the Sheriff Luddie?
Sheriff Luddie
(Waving from the tank)
I am!
. We got a huge problem, Sheriff, that I think you should know about. . .
Sheriff Luddie
What is it?
. That big bag of wind Dean is a-headin' our way, and all of us is in danger!
Dean? Who's Dean??
Sheriff Luddie
Dean is an ill-wind that blows no good. . .Mister Tom was concerned he would be high-tailing it to Flooriday. . .
. Well, he's not heading there. . .he's on his way here and to the Yucatan!
Huh?
You can in Yucatan!
. Well, Dean's gonna try here, and we need to get the town ready. . .
Sheriff Luddie
"What kind of &#@%ery is this?" -Amy Winehouse, "Me & Mr. Jones"
So, you guys don't talk much I guess?
share (answers his cell phone) Hello? Are you sure? Well, we'll miss you, but we understand. Drink a margarita for me, 'k? Bye.
Sony closes his cell phone.
Who the heck was that???
Dean. He decided to blow us off and go to Mexico instead. . .
Sheriff Luddie
So, that means we're safe, then?
Let's head on back to town!
. . .a dark figure lurked behind the saguaro cactii. . .
"It was the third of June; another sleepy dusty Delta day. . ."
"...So you see, that's how Tom Hanks ended up in Texas with a map in his hand, turning around in a circle," concluded Sherriff Luddie as he finished retelling the tale of Chuck Noland to Boris and Sony and Harrison and Henry.
When suddenly a voice was heard coming from a tall sagitarius cactus...
"But which of the directions did Tom Hanks finally pick?"