Deflate Gate

Deflate Gate: The Epitome of American Society

It's all anyone is talking about right now. So I don't forget this Earth-shattering scandal when I look back on this later – The New England Patriots stand accused of possibly using balls filled with one less pound of air the league regulations in the AFC Championship game. Take a moment to absorb the sheer magnitude of this situation. Balls may have been improperly inflated in a football game.

I am not certain our nation can endure such an embarrassing crisis. Never mind the political and bureaucratic corruption. Forget about socioeconomic inequality. Stand aside all you abused, homeless, starving, and neglected. We have a real problem on our hands with the amount of air in these footballs.

Clearly the balls were the primary reason for the Patriots' 45-7 victory over the Colts. There is no possible way the media is “blowing” this out of proportion to gain attention and therefore ratings by pandering to the blue-collars and effectively distracting them from legitimate local, national, and global issues. Not a chance.

I may not sleep until this issue has been properly addressed and swift and severe punishments have been enacted. In fact, we should consider freeing criminals (including rapists, murderers, and pedophiles) to make room in our prisons for the entire Pats roster and any and all staff members potentially involved.

Perhaps our elected officials will finally take a strong moral stance and demonstrate undoubtedly that such egregious misdeeds will not be tolerated. Needless to say, this shameful scandal has “knocked the wind out of us all.” “Left us feeling deflated?” “Flattened our integrity?” Oh pardon me... I should have kept the aforementioned anecdote to two choices as to which Americans are accustomed.

Sincerely,

Everyone in this country who is NOT a complete moron