American ReJEWnion

My wife Deborah and I were thrilled when we found out the sequel to American Wedding was hitting the big screens. When we saw the first one back in 2003, we were expecting a light romantic comedy with the quirky Eugene Levy. Well boy were we wrong. This flick was raunchier than Tom Hanks Bachelor Party! It was laugh-inducing. We loved the character of Stephen Stifler. I couldn't stop immitating him after the flick ended. I was calling Deborah a "finch-f@%ker" for weeks.

So the wife and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings before the movie and ate pizza. Our little slut of waitress was wearing a low cut tank top. I told her I wanted some soda pop. But she kept insisting that I try the new Bud Light Platinum. The bottle was so cool that I had no choice. After having one, I ordered either 6 or 9 more of them. We walked out of the place trashed out of our noggins.

Deborah decided it would be a neat little idea to sneak in beer to the cinema. We went to the beer distributor and got a 30 caser. It was like we were in college all over again. Deborah was sneaking keystone ices in her purse. The ticket taker took our tickets. But then it happened, a beer fell out and started spraying all over the floor. The theater worker grabbed her walky talky to get security. Before she could, I told her to freeze. I told her I have connections to the H.U.A.C. and could have her body buried in Asia by next Wednesday evening. The lady put down the walky talky and politely let us by.

So anyways, the movie started and it was spectack. We were introduced to the main cast and what they've been up to for the past 9 years. They showed Jim, Michelle, Kevin, Finch, and even Stiffey. Then they introduced us to this new character named OZ. What the heck? Why did the bring in this new guy? He wasn't in the first American Wedding movie. Do we really need this new character? He's not even funny.

Aside from that, it was great that Kevin got more screen time. He seemed like the odd man out in the first movie but at least he had a story line in this john. Also why did they tone Stifler down? In American Wedding, I always looked at him as an adult with tourettes and a hyeperactive-like child quality to him. In this movie, he seemed like a normal guy but acted immature at times.

But in the middle of the movie, I noticed that someone stole my briefcase full of keystone ices that I snuck into the matinee. I looked up behind us and saw a bunch of middle schoolers chugging my stones. I said "hey give me my booze ya little twits." One of the little brats threw an unopened can and it hit Deborah square in the head when she wasn't looking. She was knocked unconscious. The kid then pulled out his house keys and told us this is how real men drink beer. He stabbed an unopened can with his key and started chugging it. The problem was that he did it wrong and a piece of the can broke off. This led to shards of glass going down the bloke's throat. The boy was dead. The police arrived and arrested Deborah. She was still passed out and had no idea what was going on. Detective Dan quickley realized it was Deborah who bought the middle schoolers keystone ices and took her away. I was fine with that because I'm not trying to get cornholed in prison. But anyways I hope they make American Pie 3 with the two strippers from American Wedding as the new principals of East Great Falls High School!