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Have you ever had someone in a circle of friends try to turn everyone against you?

posted 5 years ago by MovieBuff224 (5053)
25 replies | jump to latest

Two of my good buddies and I do a lot together, have taken several trips and the brother of one them is sort of an outcast and is unhappy with his life and constantly tries to knock me and talks behind my back.

He is part of the group in that no one else in the circle of 4-5 of us has any issues with him but for some reason he is hell bent on bringing me down. I think it is because I came into the circle a little later than everyone else and have planned a few of the trips we’ve taken that he has been unable to afford to go on so he sees me as a threat and/or is jealous of us taking these trips without him.

He frequently talks down to me in the group chat and tries to emasculate me and find any way he can to criticize or belittle me. It’s gotten so bad that he does middle school level stuff that goes well beyond gossiping, just the other week we were all sitting on a floating dock at the lake and I heard him casually say to a girl we had just met “he smokes pot and has really bad anxiety!” Fortunately most women see right through this sort of cock blocking and it backfires but I just couldn’t believe it.

I don’t know what to do, he’s put me in a really uncomfortable and difficult spot. This is my closest group of friends I do almost everything with, he will always be there because it is his brother but my friends have done little to stand up to him. They’ve both acknowledged the issue but are not the most confrontational people at all and repeatedly tell both of us they don’t want to take sides or get involved, even though he is the problem and I only ever defend myself. Any suggestions?

[–] ShogunofYonkers (71750) 5 years ago

Confront the guy and let him know he's being a jerk...sometimes a good honest talk in private can really clear the air and maybe you'll become tight friends
That would be the best result

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

Yeah def, I’ve already confronted him multiple times just not in private, usually in the group text

[–] chilone (17266) 5 years ago

Sock him in the ear.

[–] ShogunofYonkers (71750) 5 years ago

LOL!

Jeez, remind me to never annoy you Slugger😵🤛!!!

[–] Galactus03 (4289) 5 years ago

It won't matter in a few years. Eventually as we age, most of us really don't have a significant circle of friends. At least not where we hang with them a the time. My advice...ignore or laugh him off. The kind of stuff he's doing gets forgotten about quickly.

[–] Wint3rFir3 (6923) 5 years ago

There's nothing you can really do. Even a confrontation won't help because the person will either deny they do anything significant, or they'll acknowledge it, but probably won't change. The only thing you can do is try to distance yourself specifically from this person, and just enjoy the other people you're friends with in the circle, or give up on the circle.

I'm sorry these are likely your only options, but if your friends are really close, they'll stand by you and understand if you don't involve yourself with this one person. I'm surprised they don't stand up for you.

As someone with a naturally confrontation personality, I often ask my friends if, when I'm in a fight with mutual friends, I'm out of line and then I adjust my behaviour going from what they say. The thing is, I can't help being blunt with people. If they take it as offensive and say so, I usually try to change my behaviour. It doesn't sound like this person is mature enough to do this.

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

I’ve thought about letting the air out of all of his tires

[–] Wint3rFir3 (6923) 5 years ago

Then you're a better person than I am. Air out of tyres is generous for someone being a complete prick. My revenge fantasies usually involve acid to the genitals.

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

Lol trust me I’d rather beat the living shit out of him but he’s quite a bit bigger than me

[–] Wint3rFir3 (6923) 5 years ago

Yeah, fair call then.

[–] AndyKing1967 (33838) 5 years ago

Your choices are as follows: -
1. Adopt a passive 'don't rock the boat' attitude - unfortunately, you will remain unhappy, as this guy is never going to change and will continue to annoy you.
2. Stand you ground and fight him all the way - unfortunately, you will remain unhappy, as this will cause friction within the group and create tension.
3. Walk away from the group - this is your only option to achieve happiness. Make new friends and cut out the toxic, negative environment.

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

That’s bullshit why should he win and I suffer?

[–] AndyKing1967 (33838) 5 years ago

Why bother playing a game that you're never destined to win?

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

How am I never destined to win? If I block his texts and the other two friends treat me just fine?

[–] AndyKing1967 (33838) 5 years ago

You said, "he will always be there because it is his brother but my friends have done little to stand up to him".

He's not going to disappear, so as long as you remain part of this group, you will have to endure his behaviour.

[–] BillHicksFan (10102) 5 years ago

Maybe walking away from the group is the only way to wake the other guys up? Maybe you can talk/hang out with them on a one-on-one, or even a phone call to avoid the bullshit. I don't think its worth being uncomfortable, talking behind your back, cock-blocking, etc...

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

Yeah but my attitude is fuck him, why should I be inconvenienced because of him?

[–] [deleted] 5 years ago

No but I had a friend try to turn me against another friend. The beef was between those two. No need for everyone to side up. I ended up distancing myself from that friend.

[–] AmeriGirl26 (12299) 5 years ago

Hey, if they aren't willing to stand up for you when he threatens you or treats you like crap, they aren't really your friends. I know that from personal experience in junior high and high school. Real friends stand up for each other. They do not sit around, letting people dump on one of their own, for fear of losing their friendship with the asshole who's doing the dumping. I've seen it way too many times.

The dumper usually has something they want more than what they think they're getting out of a relationship with the victim. Either that, or they're too cowardly to get involved and don't want to get pulled into the fight.

[–] MovieBuff224 (5053) 5 years ago

Good point, I think it’s because at certain points I’ve gotten into it with the other two due to them being selfish and flaking on plans last minute (they are kind of introverted and so they are not good at communicating) so I feel like they harbor some minor resentment.

The second paragraph confuses me - at first you’re talking about the dumper and then you are talking about the other friends not wanting to get involved?

[–] AmeriGirl26 (12299) 5 years ago

It's hard to explain without using names, or pictures :(. I could use imaginary names, though.

Jane is friends with Amy and Martha. Amy and Martha are also friends with Olga. Jane and Olga hate each other, and usually stay away from each other, but having mutual friends like Amy and Martha forces them to sit at the same lunch table, preferably at opposite ends. Olga is a total bitch, and makes Jane's life hell during every lunch. She is jealous of Jane's intelligence and despises her for it. She also finds Jane's voice and incessant talk annoying and wishes she would go away so she can have Amy and Martha all to herself. Jane doesn't understand this at all, and just wants to have friends. Jane only dislikes Olga because Olga is mean to her for "no apparent reason." Olga plots to ruin Jane's life so she'll leave them alone, and spreads rumors about her all over the school.

When Jane confronts Olga about it, a shouting match ensues, and the rest of the sheep--I mean students--at the school stand around in the hallway, watching the cheap drama that makes their boring lives more interesting. Meanwhile, Amy and Martha just stand there, not standing up for Jane at all while others gang up on her. They don't want their friends to fight, but they don't want to get caught up in the maelstrom or lose Olga as a friend.

Jane isn't aware that Amy and Martha have grown closer to Olga by spending time with her at her house after school, and didn't tell her. Amy and Martha like having a friend who can let them swim in her pool and go out shopping, whereas they don't have the heart to tell Jane they aren't interested in her friendship, and don't see spending time with her as a good investment. They never even offered to visit Jane or invite her to spend time with them. She always had to be the one to initiate the after-school stuff. They just assumed her home was boring and that she had nothing to offer them. It wasn't Jane's fault that she had no allowance, so she couldn't go shopping all the time, and she lived in a house with no pool.

So Jane is forced to break the ridiculous rules at lunch and sit wherever the hell she wants in there (they force students to sit at one table per semester), as long as it's away from that bitch Olga. Being only a pre-teen and mostly unfamiliar with human nature, she still does not understand why Amy and Martha won't stand up for her, or abandon Olga to sit with her, and it breaks her heart that she's all alone at lunch now.

That isn't precisely what happened to me, but very similar. It took me a long time to understand what was going on in Jr. high and high school, and what it meant to have real friends.

[–] snepts (11123) 5 years ago

My ex-GF got pissed at me and next thing I know people I've known for years started shunning me. I figured whatever went on between the two of us was just that -- between the two of us. She started going around telling people I'm some sort of creep and a jerk just because i took all the detritus of a once promising relationship and gave it all back. While we were together I was as nice as I could possibly be and gave her a lot of space but she'd still get annoyed with me over, I don't know. Being too nice? She wanted the advantages of being with someone she could trust but without committing to a relationship. I tried to hang on but eventually it became too obvious that she was crabby when she felt like it and nice when she wanted me around. I think between her Father passing away, being a chronic pot smoker and maybe menopause and generally having a rebellious nature made her difficult to be close to. But I was surprised when people we both knew suddenly acted like I was the bad guy.