I have never mentioned this online but I trust people who have passion for movies. I have been hospitalized after failed attempts but it seems no matter what I do, I can't die, but I really don't want to live. I almost hardly can ever watch movies. I don't have a single friend.
shareI sincerely urge you to seek out therapy
You will have to research if it's covered by your insurance, medicare or medicaid (I do not know your circumstances nor age)
Lots of people go to a professional therapist once, twice or even three times a week to work on themselves but you must find the right professional for you and devote yourself to it
Honest best wishes Orson
Shogun's advice is very wise. You do not suffer alone. Depression is a common disease, one that is successfully treated everyday, but you have to commit to getting the help that you need. If you think that you might harm yourself, contact your doctor immediately or contact an organization like this one:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
They have a computer chat service on the site if you are more comfortable communicating that way, or you can reach them by phone at 1-800-273-8255
Thanks for sharing the link Tex
Anyone in pain should know that resources are available
Please follow Shogun's advice. If there's anyone who understands what you're going through, it's the professionals. You can trust them and there's no reason to be ashamed when talking about your problems with them. It may take some time and effort to find the right one you connect with, but it's better than trying to solve it on your own.
shareYes, see a therapist. Also try joining a gym and get some exercise. Exercise always improves your mood. Volunteer somewhere like a Veteran's center, soup kitchen, public library, museums, animal shelters, food pantries. I guarantee you these will help.
shareI have tried all that or I wouldnt have put this out there
in real life i dont think anyone would hold my hand and hug me if it knew it would save my life.. nothing is worse than someone saying 'oh how awful' and throwing me to some other idea
So you've been to a therapist? What was their advice?
shareI asked her for more feedback and she just said it wasn't necessary and that it was "my time" to talk. I think she knows there is no hope but won't say that of course. No matter what I say, she'll reply with the same thing. The place is like a factory and they recently cut all our time by 15 minutes because they can make more money that way.
It saddened me that when I finally had the guts to tell her a couple of things I shared to no one, that she forgot not once, but twice.
Honestly, if my life depended on her, she wouldn't move a muscle to help. And I've liked all my therapists as so many seem to quit the minute they are offered an extra dollar.
Of course the psychiatrist and the director there have a relationships and everyone has those colorful rainbow flags but if I were to ask for real help she'd probably throw that cliched "It's not professional or appropriate to save your life" and that's the way it is. If she was an online therapist, she'd have it made. And she's been my favorite.
The problem is everything but also the world in which I do not fit with.... I just wish I could afford the money to go to Switzerland, Holland, or the US to be euthanized. And this isn't just a rough patch, it's been this way forever, but in the past I thought if I worked hard enough or went through certain things for a future goal, something would happen but my entire life has been complete despair.
"I think she knows there is no hope but won't say that of course."
NO. No real therapist will ever think that there's "no hope". Even when you're dying on the streets of a heroin overdose they'll believe there's that lightbulb moment, an opportunity to turn things around and make some changes. When she says it's "your time" to talk, I believe that she does actually mean it's YOUR time to talk. She can't read your mind, ultimately it's YOU who has to make the changes in your life. Therapists aren't there to tell you how to live you life.
She probably has a lot of other clients, so that may very well be the reason why her memory is fuzzy. Or maybe it's like Shogun says, she's just not the right therapist for you. Just like with all the other people we build relationships with, there has to be a click. Whatever it is, you NEED to tell her this. Don't just tell her what you think you should tell or what you think she wants to hear, just tell her everything that's bothering you. No need to get mad at her or blame her, but be HONEST.
"Honestly, if my life depended on her, she wouldn't move a muscle to help."
That's your NEGATIVE thinking, buddy. Just deciding that she wouldn't help you anyway, so why even try. It happens to all of us when we're in a rut, but DON'T DO IT. Most people are good people. I would do everything I could if I knew I could save a life, but I would need to know WHAT to do. You need to tell her explicitly what she can do to save your life. You need to tell ALL of this to her, not to some strangers on the internet.
I'm not sure about Switzerland, but you can't just euthanize yourself here in Holland because of depression. And for good reason. Believe it or not, but stories like yours sadden me. Sometimes I'll see a case on the tv show Disappeared where you just know someone went off and killed themselves and it literally makes me cry. You may be 1 person out of 7 billion, but you do count.
I never understood why people think it's a therapist's responsibility. Even the greatest one can't change me or the world.
shareThat's the thing. Your depression makes you think too negative and not realistic thoughts. The right therapist can definitely help you make changes in yourself. But you have to start telling her every single thing you've been sharing with us. After that you need to discuss with her how to make a plan of the exact goals you want to achieve and whether these goals are realistic and doable for you. It's important to work towards something.
You can't change the world, buddy, that's not a realistic goal.
By the way, even though you didn't address other parts of my post, I hope you did read them. I meant what I said.
I see a therapist and she lets me talk about anything I want to, and it helps a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time, and she's cut our visits from once a week to every two, sometimes three weeks. I just talk about whatever's on my mind, nothing too heavy, but it's pleasant to talk with someone.
shareI believe we all need someone to talk to, just to get things off our chest.
sharein real life i dont think anyone would hold my hand and hug me if it knew it would save my life
I don't talk to anyone privately on the internet, but even if I did, I don't consider that friendship.
shareWell, that is limiting. I wish you the best of luck. Personally, I value my internet friends highly.
shareYou are doing it right now. You don't have to consider it friendship, but it IS communication.
Btw, what country do you live in, if you don't mind me asking? Here in the US you can't expect to get euthanized on demand. I think you need to be in the right State and have a chronic wasting disease.
Sorry you are going through this but hope this site has brought some pleasure.
shareThe fact that you have the courage to share your struggle is a personal accomplishment, seriously! I know because I experienced severe depression when I was a teen, even thought about committing suicide but it never went further than that. I was fortunate that my mom was extremely supportive when I confided in her my feelings. Long story short, while it struck my mind with overwhelming negativity, the problem resulted from a mysterious medical illness which had taken almost a decade for my family and I to figure out.
Please, please, I urge you, screen yourself for any physical ailments or symptoms you may have. It could be caused by something like blocked sinuses giving severe headaches, a thyroid issue, or hormones being out of whack. The human body is delicate and the slightest shift can be the source of many, many pains.
One depression metaphor I've read: "Imagine you're floating in the middle of the ocean. The ocean could be dead calm with perfect blue skies above...or a mass of thrashing waves, cracking lightning and a fierce storm overhead.
You could be all alone for as far as the eye can see, or you could be surrounded by your friends and family, all inexplicably cruising past in metaphorical yachts and doing impressive jumps on metaphorical jet-skis.
But no matter what is happening around you, you're in that ocean trying to keep yourself afloat, your head above water, and there's a current trying to pull you under. A relentless, unpredictable current. Sometimes it's a gentle tug, sometimes it's trying to pull you from the surface and take you straight to the ocean floor. Sometimes it rips you from the surface so quickly and violently that you no longer know which way is up. It changes, but it's always there.
Sometimes you can close your eyes and really, truly believe that the 'world above water' no longer exists.
But sometimes, and this one hurts the most...you can see back up. The world above looks distorted, faded and distant, but you can see the blue sky, or the storm, or your friends cruising past on ridiculous 80s watercraft, or see an empty horizon. You're aware of life above water, but you're numb and completely detached. You can often sense that your underwater state is causing pain and distress to others, but you're so far under, so far away from 'the world up there' that you're completely resigned to that fact. You don't feel like you're capable of anything but watching the world above from afar, and slowly sinking away.
And if/when you do finally struggle your way back to the surface, it hurts like a motherfucker. The fresh air burns your throat and lungs and feels like more of a curse than a blessing or relief, the light burns and stings your eyes, and the world above is there, waiting ominously to crash down upon you again. Even if it's a still, empty ocean."
~~/o/
It has always been in me, but as a kid, I always thought life would get better after a certain age or goal. Little by little and I can't even kill myself. But Ill try again and now just kinda doing a mental checklist of things i want public through my blog and even looking for a few movies left i didnt see and wanted to see until that planned but kinda unplanned moment comes. I was trying to live one lifestyle where I thought I'd eventually just die so I didn't have to do it myself but its not happening.
Someone else's words I think you can really relate to, Orson. It certainly resonated with my situation several years ago.
"Taking care of other people is awesome. It taught me to open up about stuff (ain't nobody wants to open up to you until you open up to them), but it also taught me to see healthy and unhealthy behaviors in others that, surprise, I needed to sort out in my own life. It taught me that I wasn't alone, and that just talking to someone could really help. If I never ever felt happy again, but I still felt love for my friends, then that would be a pretty good life in my book.
Counseling was rad, and it was very affirming to find out that so much of what I suspected about myself was true, and that so much of how I thought about myself was incomplete. (I still remember after my first year of counseling when doubts started to creep in that I was some monster, and I was able to proudly proclaim that I had told my counselor everything; it was awesome.)
My roommates and I set aside a time to just talk about our weeks, and that has been an all out lifeline, especially during times when I otherwise would stay completely to myself and rot away.
I've acquired a few solid support friends (often times not the ones you would expect), and that is always good stuff.
I'm terrified of meds myself, but I know deep down that they are an important option and even if it's scary, it might be worth it depending on the opinion of a professional or two.
I hope this could be helpful. It's always going to be a war, but that doesn't mean you can't get better at fighting."
I'm here for you.
~~/o/
Have you seen the movies Junebug or The Fountain? A couple of faves.
shareI heard somewhere that if you go online and type in anything you're feeling, no matter how mundane it is, something will always come up. The reason is because you're not the only one. People often feel that that strange or disturbing thought that lingers in your head is specific to you, but it's not. How many times have we said to ourselves "I thought I was the only one" after hearing someone else admitting a shared experience? All it takes is for one thought to enter our head and it stays there. I'm sure you know that what goes on in your head is not really how it's playing out in reality. You know the reality. I'm not one for sayings but this is why people tell us to listen to our hearts and not our heads. Think of it like this, you may feel like you want to die, but if you were getting attacked by somebody, your natural reaction would be to defend yourself. Deep down you do want to live, but your mind is telling you otherwise. Unfortunately, it's not easy to just push this aside. It may become tiring. Just remember, may THINK it's time to quit, but there's obviously a reason why you haven't done the worst. Deep down in your heart, you do, in fact, want to live.
If you ever feel like calming down when your mind is running around, try closing your eyes and watch this: https://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqBrIk32h7Y
A couple years ago I ran into a web site that was supposed to be where people who are depressed can go and chat, and it was one of the most bizarre things I'd ever seen. All the posts were lineal, so multiple people were having random conversations and it was impossible for me to follow. I asked about this and someone replied it would begin to make sense but I couldn't hang with it. I wonder if I could find it again, but I prefer this sort of thing.
share