True story about my ancestor Alaric in ancient Rome

Alaric was a proud Christian living in Rome circa 391 in the year of our Lord. He had a hot wife, 3 kids, went to Church, and worked as a construction worker.

One day, while minding his own business, there was a knock at the door. It was Gaius Maximus, the Roman tax collector and fervent supporter of the state. "Hi there, Alaric. It is I, Gaius Maximus. I'm inviting you and your wife to the bathhouse orgy tonight at my temple of Zeus, erm, I mean Jupiter."

Alaric replied, "Oh, no thank you. You see, I'm a Christian and I practice neither idolatry nor adultery."

Amazed, Gaius Maximus exclaimed, "You homophobe! You follow an outdated religion that will be gone within a generation! The Gen Alpha kids are all into the LGBTQ thing and if your religion doesn't adapt, then society will move on from you! Christianity is a fad, but the Glory of Rome is eternal!"


Alaric replied calmly, "We will see, but I shall honor my father and mother, just as I hope my kids will honor me like the Good Book says. "

Gaius Maximus took this personally since he had no kids, and looked for something he could abuse his state power and bully Alaric with. "I see you have a spear on the wall. What do you need a spear for? Don't you know that they lead to school throwings?"

Alaric replied, "I homeschool my kids. Those Roman public schools are full of indoctrination. Maybe if you spent less time studying augury (the study of divination by observing bird flights), and more time teaching math with Arabic numerals, kids could have skilled trade jobs instead of sitting around with no purpose in life."

Gaius Maximus said, "Ugh! Now you have a problem with augury! Trust the science, you religious bigot! Besides, you can't defeat Rome with a spear! You would need chariots and onagers!"

Alaric replied, "If you say so. I guess we'll see in time."

Gaius Maximus said, "You know what? You're a carpenter, eh? Well, I want to hire you to build an addition to my temple of Zeus, erm, I mean Jupiter. In it, you shall sculpt a statue of Zeus, erm, I mean Jupiter, who is 12 feet tall, nailing a life-sized naked Jesus to a cross."

Alaric apologized and explained that he could not, because it was against his religious beliefs.

Gauis yelled, "But no one's making you be a part of the religious part of the ceremony, you religious bigot! You're just building the temple for the ceremony."

Alaric tried to reason with him and said that building temples to pagan gods was not a service that he offered or wanted to be a part of it.

Gaius yelled, "Then it's off to prison, you Christian scum!"

At the trial, Alaric was charged with homophobia, blasphemy, public disorder, and 102 other charges and was sentenced to either 405 years in prison, or a round of gladiator combat. He, of course, wanting to see his beautiful wife and children again, chose the combat.

While waiting to enter the arena, a Roman soldier sent Saint Telemachus in the Coliseum. Alaric helplessly looked on as Saint Telemachus preached to the crowd and begged the Romans to change their ways; to stop practicing idolatry and paganism and to turn to Jesus. The Romans mocked him and laughed. Eventually, they grew tired of this and mercilessly stoned him to death. Then they laughed even harder that his primitive dying religion that would be gone in a generation.

The Emperor Honorius announced, "After seeing this, are there any Christians that have been sentenced that are brave enough to step forward? Or will all you cowards renounce your faith?"

Alaric rose to the occasion and walked out alone, standing in the middle of a crowd booing him and wanting blood to satisfy their political beliefs. He yelled out, "As my Master said, 'let he who is without sin throw the first stone'!"

Confused, the Romans turned to each other wondering if this was some sort of deception. "Is he saying that sin is a bad thing?", said Libtardius Dumbassius.

"I don't believe in sin because I'm a cultural relativist, so if I throw it, I'll be enabling him and admitting Christianity has a point," said onlooker Soyboyius Flaccidus.

The crowd kept murmuring to each other, confused at what to do. Emperor Honorius finally proclaimed, "It appears that we have a good Christian here. And y'all know what we do to good Christians....we feed them to the lions!"

The crowd roared in excitement. Three lions ran into the coliseum. Alaric prayed over Saint Telemachus' body and picked up a broken spear, half it's original length.

When the first lion approached, the broken spear pierced it's mouth and killed it. Alaric had to let go of the spear, and dove out of the way of the second lion while grabbing it's whiskers. This brought the lion down with Alaric, and a third lion accidentally mauled it while trying to attack Alaric. Amidst the bodies, Alaric jumped on the back of the third lion and grabbed it's mane. He rode it like a horse, and kicked the 550 pound lion while steering it to a wall.

The lion leaped...